When it comes to family, your lot is your lot. You can't choose them. You can only choose how you deal with them. Family can be pushy, overbearing, entitled, or straight-up annoying. Is it right to cope with it in any way you can?
I (M31) and my wife (F30) have two kids, M(5) the other F(2).I also have two siblings, an older brother (M35) and a younger (M29). My older brother and I both have kids. My younger has none and has bounced from fling to fling.
However, in 2020 before the pandemic hit, he met this girl (F23). We’ll call her Amber. (Fake name). From day one, he was obsessed with her. They started dating, and she stuck around when we thought we’d only meet her once and never again.
We were all happy to see my brother get serious about someone, even if they were younger than him. However, as Amber started spending more time around our family, collectively, we all noticed certain things she did we didn’t like.
For example, she would move something in whoever’s house we were in and say, “this looks better like this, so I moved it for you.” Or she would get into people's stuff and say, “we’re family now so we can share.” Such as when she used my SIL's lotions and makeup without asking.
But this was the thing that made us all dislike her. She would constantly talk proudly about how she turned my quote “spineless f*ckboy baby brother into a man.” Okay, unnecessary, but he was a player before, so I get the “joke.” But then she added, “I’ll do what your mom couldn’t and teach him to be a gentleman.”
We’ve all mentioned these things to my brother, but he brushes it off or says, “I love her, dude; what can I do.” And welp…. He proposed to her at the beginning of 2022. And no, she hasn’t changed her antics since 2020.
Recently, Amber came over with my brother for my wife’s birthday party. Of course, my kids were there too. Amber, I’m in front of a house full of mine and my wife’s family. She says, “oh, it’s my favorite niece and nephew!” Before picking up my daughter. She added, “am I your favorite aunty?” In a baby voice, as if she was saying it to my daughter.
I walked over, took my daughter out of her hands, and said calmly but sternly, “you’re not their aunt. So please don’t refer to yourself as their aunt”. She seemed taken aback and immediately got defensive, saying, “I’m marrying your brother, so I will be their aunt by marriage.”
I just shrugged and calmly responded that I didn’t care if they got married, she could be Mrs. Amber or Amber, but she was not their Aunt. A few people heard and pretended not to, but Amber was upset and left, and my brother came in asking what had happened. After I told him, he said I was an ass and took off after Amber.
My brother called me that night, saying I needed to apologize and take back what I said, but I refused to. My kids hardly know/spend time with her, and she’s not very well-liked among our family. So AITA?
The internet is not afraid to take a side.
YTA (You're the A**hole). You can dislike her and keep her away from your kids all you want, but she will in fact be their aunt.
ESH (Everyone Sucks Here) - I think you all suck. The way you handle it was inappropriate. She will be your family by marriage, therefor she will be there aunt by marriage.
Also, Amber sucks she needs to know what her place is. The statement she made about your mother and brother is a big no-go. But you talked to your brother not to Amber. I’m not saying it would have changed anything, but perhaps it would have.
NTA (Not the A**hole). You don’t have to consider her family sometimes even blood doesn’t mean much it’s really your call.
NTA. Amber is an entitled control freak. If she moved something in my house she wouldn't be welcome back again and if she DARED to touch my personal items she would be all kinds of sorry.
YTA in this particular situation, even if she's awful in general. She's your brother's life partner, so she's your children's aunt. She can be a distant aunt, a hated aunt, a practical stranger, whatever. You get to choose how much she sees your kids, but not her position on the family tree.
OP, you can choose a lot of things about your family, but you don't get to choose whether they're technically family or not.