Man finally tells wife of 9 years his 'erotic secret.' 'I can't lie to her anymore.' AITA? UPDATED 2X
When this man contemplates telling his wife the truth about his se%ual preferences, he asks Reddit:
"My wife doesn't know my true se%ual preference. AITA?"
My wife and I have been together 9 years, married for 7. But I know that I'm gay. I've never been attracted to another woman other than her, but I've been attracted to lots of men. I've never been in a sexual relationship with a man but if I wasn't with my wife, I know I would be. My preferences when I'm 'by myself' have only ever been over men lol
But it's strange - my wife is my soulmate in the most absolute sense. It doesn't matter that she's a woman, I'm so in love with her mind and her heart and her as a human being that she could literally be in any body and I would love and worship her.
Even being with her sexually is incredible because it's her. I know this makes no sense and that's why I can't tell her. She would think she isn't enough because she isn't a man.
But she's the other half of my soul and I could never ever hurt her or be without her. I think every inch of her body is beautiful and she lights me up like no other human ever could. However I have this secret.
She completes me and I know I won't need to be with anyone else, but I know no one will believe that. Is it possible to be gay-except-one-woman? If so that's what I am lol.
Edit: I realise now w I'm probably on the bisexual spectrum somewhere instead and I'm content with that, I don't really need a label! Oh and to those calling me a pervert, a degenerate, a fetishist etc for being attracted to men... I suggest you try replacing the hate in your heart with love. It's worked out very well for me. AITA?
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
theer77 writes:
I view as sexuality as a spectrum. You might be bi in that you're 99% gay and 1% straight and your wife ignited the 1%. As long as you're happy with your wife, and she is with you, that's what matters.
OP responds to that saying:
Hijacking this top comment to say thank you to everyone who has shared their own personal experiences, it's good to know that this is seemingly more common than I thought! It makes me think I need to focus less on labels and more on how fortunate I am to have my wife and her love.
I secretly identify as a gay man (or at least that's what I have thought up until now) but I have a wife. We've been together 9 years.I've never been attracted to another woman other than her, but I've been attracted to lots of men. I've never been with a man but if I wasn't with my wife, I know I would be.
My preferences when I'm 'by myself' are men.But with my wife it's always been different. It's never mattered that she's a woman because I love her mind and her heart so much, she is my soulmate.
And so I find her body attractive and beautiful and we've always had a very fulfilling sexual relationship.But I feel like this makes no sense and if I tell her that I'm 99% sure I'm gay then she'll think I want to leave her or cheat on her. But I don't whatsoever, I only want her.
She is my absolute world and I am so in love with her and so attracted to her. Is there a sexuality that is like... gay but except one woman? Or like bi but specifically where the gender doesn't matter in one instance?
Readers continued to weigh in on OP's original post:
I would like to give you the perspective from the other side. And I would also like to inquire how old you are? Please tell your wife.
Sexual deception is a form of emotional/psychological abuse. There is so much push for LGBTQ+ rights, which is all fine and dandy, but your wife has every right to make her own decisions on what (and what she isn't) attracted to. She deserves to know the orientation of the person she married, and make a decision if that is a deal breaker.
Believe me. There are a crap ton of us straight spouses out there who found out their entire life/marriage/everything was a lie. You are practically a newly wed, and if you are relatively young, it's all great for you.
Talk to the multitude of women who have their husbands come out of the closet after 20-40 years of marriage because as youth and hormones faded....their husbands realized they couldn't do it with a woman anymore.
I've heard the entire spiel. I've heard all about how my husband loved me with his entire heart and soul. That he tried everything to make it work. That he thought I was the only woman out there that he could make it work with. Then he decimated my life and walked out after being married for 20 years.
Take my word for it. Finding out your husband was secretly gay the entire time is not an ego boost. Being told that your husband is in love with men, but you were the only woman that he could have ever been with is not remotely helpful.
I can't tell you the destruction to myself that I have gone through. It wasn't even "the gay thing". It was the deception. The lies. Finding out the man I loved struggled to be with me for years.
We in the group call it the mind f*ck. I can now say I have lived through an incredible amount of abuse being stuck in a closet completely against my will.
So. Tell your wife. And be prepared for the fall out. Maybe she will be perfectly fine with it. Maybe she will be upset. It is going to be painful for her to find out you have been lying/deceptive for 9 years.
Prepare to go to counselling. Mixed orientation marriages only work if both parties are completely open and honest, and agree to the terms of the arrangement. You are lying to her, no matter how you want to spin it.
She has the right to choose a heterosexual man. Or to choose a bisexual man. Or whatever other orientation she wants to be with.
Personally, I was not attracted to a man who was sexually attracted to men (not that I got a say in anything as, after 20 years of marriage, he sat down beside me and said "I'm gay, I'm divorcing you". I had no idea, he was a very good liar).
If sexual orientation isn't that big a deal as so many on this forum want to point out, including yourself, then why aren't you just being honest? It's because it does matter to people, and people deserve to know so they can make their own decisions.
sebvegetraian writes:
I'm kind of torn on this. Like, identify how you like, sure, but if you insist on an inaccurate label, you will likely end up in a fair amount of confusing situations.
Labels are linguistic tools at their core, they exist to communicate a concept in a word or two, either to others or to yourself. Finding an accurate label generally feels nice for a lot of people because it means they aren't alone (for a label to have gained any traction, at least a few people must have resonated with is).
This can be true of gender, sexuality, mental health, physical health and any number of other things.
And I think OP is a good example for why finding a better label can be helpful. He knew he was mostly attracted to men, so he felt pigeon-holed into 'gay', but he still felt attraction to his wife, but no other women, leaving him confused. The comments helping him find a more accurate label gave him comfort, and the courage to talk to his wife.
And the helpfulness of these labels is directly linked to how clearly defined they are. P.S. As for the experimentation thing, yeah, that's just stupid. It's an experiment, the conclusion has to be drawn from the outcome, not the fact that the experiment took place.
If you experiment with a partner of a particular gender, how much you enjoyed the experience helps determine your sexuality.
laslacker writes:
Seuality amuses me in that if you're in a monogamous relationship does it really matter? Like I'm pansexual (or maybe omnisexual, I had a conversation with a gen zer and was like...I would have sex with anyone, regardless of their sex organs/gender and apparently that's what that is...
Also love == sex for me), but I've been with my husband for 17 years (when did I get so old?) and have zero intention of being with anyone else barring circumstances I'm not gonna contemplate... So I appear to be straight and am effectively straight because I'm a woman only having sex with a man so...
I don't bother thinking about it. Though my husband is well aware that my tastes run the gamut and absolutely no one who really knows me is surprised when they find out.
informalgal7 writes:
I definitely relate with this!! I am gay myself, however I’ve only ever had 2 intense girl crushes. The first one was in middle school and I though she was fg beautiful and got nervous around her even sat next to her once, but never talked to her at all.
The next one was in high school and she was so drop dead gorgeous and her personality was so fg amazing. I wanted to be around her and was drawn to her. She was literally so easy to talk to and was incredibly funny.
We got kind of close (she was a senior, I was a freshman Yes ik that’s weird but we were just friends and i happened to have a crush on her). Anyways I ended up telling her eventually that I had a crush on her but that was it and we eventually stopped talking, still have her on instagram though.
And finally not a crush however, in 2020 I’ve made some online friends and one of them is a girl. She and I got completely close and although Im gay I really thought she was fg gorgeous and amazing.
We vibed on personal level, and had this weird chemistry where we kind of liked each-other but didn’t know what we were lol. Was a weird stage in our friendship but all I knew was that I wanted her to be in my arms and for her to be safe and just give her the world.
And the weird thing is although I see myself marrying a man, With her I’d definitely experiment haha, I even told her “I’d eat your pussy, titties and i’d fuck the shit outta you, and she laughed and said “oh really lol”.
I know that I am physically and sexually attracted to men fully, However with women (with the right one) we can have an intense physical connection but I wouldn’t be sexually attracted to her as I am with men.
But i’d definitely so sexual stuff, I just prefer men lol. So i completely relate to you. So I have no idea if i am fully gay or if i’m bi or if that makes me str8 curios lmao
And now, OP's update after telling his wife the truth:
So after I posted here last week I did a lot of research and I'm fairly certain I'm bisexual with a strong physical preference for men, but demisexual when it comes to women.
I've never had deep feelings for anyone except my wife, male or female, but when I met her and started to develop those feelings, the physical attraction strongly followed. I obviously don't plan on ever finding out if it would be the same with other women! (Nor do I plan on being with men, despite what some people said)
Either way, these labels don't really matter in themselves because I won't be exploring it, but I did decide I wanted to tell my wife and they helped me articulate it.
So I sort of blurted it all out to her over the weekend. I told her I'm probably bisexual/demisexual, and initially wasn't sure whether to tell her she's the only woman I've ever been sexually attracted to but I did in the end.
I told her my love for her wasn't defined by her gender, but that she's my soulmate and I'm truly in love with her heart, her mind and her body.
Those of you who said she probably knew more than I thought were right. She was sort of surprised but not entirely. She said she assumed I wasn't straight because she "had a vibe" (not sure what that means!) and she'd noticed I'd never talked about how other women were attractive.
I think she was surprised that my preference other than her skews so significantly towards men, but she knows I don't want to pursue it so she said it doesn't matter.
She also told me she thinks she's on the bisexual spectrum too somewhere herself, though likewise has no plans to explore it. But it's such a relief to have it all out in the open with her.
I told her I'd be more than happy to go to therapy with her if she wants help processing, and she's said that's not necessary right now but it's good to know it's an option in future.
Thank you to everyone who left kind and critical but constructive messages (and no thank you to the homophobes). Looks like everything will be ok!
Readers continued to weigh in on OP's update:
deviantesq writes:
Happy to see a good outcome for you OP! This is only the beginning - just think of the amazing open conversations that are now possible . . . especially so since she thinks she might be a little bi herself! This could bring you even closer together, if that’s even possible!
I’m of that generation (40M) where, when I went to school you’d do everything in your power, as a young man, to avoid the slightest suggestion you might be gay so you wouldn’t be bullied over it.
Now being much older (and very happily married to my wife), I think it’s possible I’m somewhere on the bi spectrum myself. It’s not something I’ve ever tried, and I’m not likely to, but it’s an interesting thought just how many people may have similar suppressed thoughts.
forsakenage writes:
So dumb. I see No point in bringing this up and throwing this grenade on the relationship