Man tells wife to 'drop' an issue their daughter is having at school, 'I started making 2 lunches.' AITA?

"AITA for telling my wife to drop an issue that our daughter is having at school?"

My wife (36F) and I (35M) have 2 kids (10F & 8M). We live in a school district that has already started school and our kids have been in classes for about 2-3 weeks now.

Our daughter has been having an issue with her lunch being stolen a few times a week. The school offers breakfast and lunch, but it isn't free. We always put money in accounts for the kids in case they want to eat school lunch instead of what we pack for them, so our daughter doesn't go hungry even if her lunch is taken.

She also doesn't have any dietary restrictions. My wife works night shift as a nurse, so I am the one getting the kids up and ready for school in the morning, including packing lunches. And yes, I put their names on everything. My daughter has told me every time that her lunch was taken.

The first few times I asked her to just eat school lunch, but she doesn't always like what they offer. So, I started making 2 lunches for her and told her to hide one in her backpack instead of bringing it into the classroom where the other lunches are.

I've also talked with her teacher about it and she said she would be more vigilant about the lunches. But that hasn't stopped them from being stolen. My daughter is not the only one having this issue.

My wife is up in arms about it and wants to bring it up to the principal, superintendent, school board, etc. She thinks that whoever is stealing from our daughter is a thief and has some kind of grudge against our daughter. I, however, have a different view on it.

The way I see it, whoever is taking lunches probably needs that food more than my daughter does. If their family had means of providing packed lunches, I would assume they would do so.

Same goes for putting money in an account for school lunch. My feeling is that whichever kid is stealing lunches is hungry and I don't want to compound that by making this a bigger issue. The teacher is already aware and I don't feel we need to elevate this beyond that.

Our family is not in dire straights financially. We do just fine. But I know that isn't the case for everyone. And if packing 2 lunches for my daughter means that a hungry kid gets a solid meal, I'm ok with it coming out of our pockets.

My wife and I got into an argument about this because she wants to send an email to anyone and everyone at the school district that she feels "needs to know about this." I told her that we should wait and see if the teacher can figure out who the kid is and we can handle this without bringing the whole school district down on this kid and their family.

My wife wants to set up meetings with the teacher and principal, but I told her she would need to be the one attending them, because I won't. And since she usually sleeps during the day when the kids are in school, she didn't like that.

She thinks I am being an AH by not "protecting our daughter." But our daughter is not going hungry and whoever is taking her lunches isn't either, which I'm ok with.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

sheramom4 said:

YTA. "It's okay to steal if you need it more" is not a good lesson for your child or other children. Would it be okay for someone to come steal your car because they need it more? What about your wallet? What is they stole your daughter's backpack or coat? All you are doing is contributing to the problem.

And your daughter isn't the only child being stolen from. What if one of the other kids can't afford school lunch and is going hungry? The stealing child may be taking from someone who needs it even more than they do. This needs to be handled at an admin level, so the next step is to meet with the principal.

Otherwise_Degree_729 said:

YTA. You’re not helping your daughter or whoever is stealing from her. Your teaching your child that she has to put her feelings aside, that she has to let people take from her “because they need it more." There’s someone in the world that needs what you have more than you. Your going to let them take it from you? Your car? House? Clothes?

You don’t know who is stealing from your daughter. A hungry kid? Should be reported. A neglected kid? Should be reported. A bully that enjoys harming your daughter? Should be reported. A kid that is binge eating and stealing from other child?

For all you know is just a kid that enjoy throwing your daughters lunch away. Schools offer discounted or free lunches for lower income families. How can this kid get in the program when nobody takes notice of his problem and lets him get away with stealing.

Vast_Responsibility6 said:

YTA. Do you realize the lesson you are teaching your daughter? Because it's "It's okay for someone to victimize you because whatever you have they need it more." You are setting a potentially dangerous example and now your daughter knows you care more about your romanticized view of her being stolen from than her and her wellbeing/needs. Shame on you.

ToriBethATX said:

YTA. This needs to be escalated. It’s not about a poor child needing food or going hungry. It’s about outright theft and possible bullying. How do you know if the child(ren) doing this are needy.

The child(ren) might have decided that targeting your daughter is a good idea. If it’s not known or stopped now, it will just get worse. It’s nice that you are teaching your daughter to be kind, but you are also teaching her to roll over and be a doormat to appease everyone else.

If you truly want to help a child that is poor and possibly hungry, add to that child’s breakfast/lunch fund with the school as an anonymous donor. Stop teaching that child or children that stealing is ok.

bdayqueen said:

YTA - You're teaching your daughter that it's ok to be victimized. Stand up for your child.

apexpredator1235 said:

YTA and are only making your daughter an easier target for the thieves to steal other things from her since they won't get in trouble for it. She told you because she wants you to protect her and you're not.