Man tells wife to start saving for retirement because he won't be paying for her. UPDATED
Man tells wife he isn't going to pay for her retirement so she should start saving, wonders if that was mean?
Am I the A%#hole (AITA)? I'm a 54-year-old male (54/M), and my wife is a 54-year-old female (54/F). We've been married for 16 years, and throughout our marriage, I have been the sole provider financially.
My wife, who holds a law degree from her home country, decided to give up her legal career to move here and is now a U.S. citizen. However, she has only taken on part-time jobs, typically working 2-4 hours per day for about $14-16 per hour, while also taking care of our 12-year-old daughter who is currently in the 7th grade.
On the other hand, I have been employed since I was 12 years old and have accumulated various financial assets, including Social Security, my 401(k), inheritance, and other investments.
Presently, I cover all our expenses, debts, and financial obligations. My wife's perspective is that the money she earns is hers alone, whereas the money I make is considered our joint income.
Recently, I had a conversation with her where I expressed my love but also my concerns. I suggested that she needs to step up, start saving money, contribute to our bills (as I've been urging for the past 4 years), and plan for her retirement.
I emphasized that I don't intend to stay in a situation where my retirement savings are cut in half, leaving us struggling financially, and where she relies solely on me for her retirement.
I made it clear that I don't want to be her sole retirement plan. In response, she said, "Why should I be with you if you won't take care of me?" and called me an a%#hole. So, AITA?
OP added an update:
I may have worded my initial statement poorly. What I meant to convey was that I expect her, given her employment, to assist with some of the family's expenses and consider starting an IRA to work toward her retirement goals. Relying solely on me for retirement income is not a sustainable plan for either of us.
Do you agree with some of the top comments?
ServiceFinal952 says:
Let me clarify this situation. She made the sacrifice of giving up her job and career to come here, dedicating the past several years to raising your child. And now, you're telling her that she can't rely on you in retirement? What on earth? Do you even love your wife? You're coming across as a massive AH (a*%hole) in this situation.
I suppose if this is the stance you're taking, you might want to calculate what you owe her for the childcare costs incurred over the last twelve years, as well as a fair salary for her contribution to taking care of your home and preparing meals, among other things.
Let's not forget the time and effort she put in, especially during those late-night hours with the newborn. You see, you're not the only one capable of being petty and vindictive.
You're quite the character, and I have to say, YTA (You're the A#%hole) in this situation. I genuinely hope she stands up for herself when she decides to leave and gets her fair share of everything that rightfully belongs to her. I look forward to that day. Have the kind of day that you truly deserve.
Existing_Fox_6317U says:
YTA. She gave up her career and left her home to be with you, take care of your home and raise your child. He contribution to your life has given you the flexibility to advance your own career at the expense of hers.
You are a huge a%#hole for not considering "your" retirement money to also be hers, and you would be a colossal AH if you abandoned her now that she's middle-aged and anchored to a foreign country (where her law degree is useless) by her child being settled there.
Atomic_Bread_ says:
YTA. You are a massive a%#hole. She sacrificed everything in her working life to be with you. She then took on the responsibility of being primary caregiver for your child. You’ll never have parity in retirement income, so is she meant to just live in discomfort? She’ll get 50% in the divorce anyway, because it seems like this is where it’s headed.
What do you think? Was OP right to tell his wife to start saving, or should he have been thoughtful when saving his money to include his wife?