I know telling anyone to calm down does the opposite. It simply came out but she was being ridiculous in my opinion. My wife isn't a fan of my family. None of them have done anything to her personally but she states it's because all of them give her backhanded comments or "unhelpful helping" (unsolicited advice basically) and she's tired of dealing with it.
Understandable. But it takes zero effort to be civil for my sake. She says she shouldn't have to be civil to people who don't respect her or take her seriously. So she gave birth a month ago to our daughter and on Sunday, I invited my mom and a few other family members down to meet the baby.
She didn't even want my family to come here because her family hasn't met the baby yet but ultimately she said "whatever." My wife pumped for the occasion because she knew people would ask to feed her (our daughter has never used a bottle, as she's strictly breastfed).
But anyways, my wife was visibly pissed off with how much the baby was being passed around and at one point I told her to maybe go take a shower or something to cool off.
She said no and said she needed to be there to "watch" and make sure nothing happened. All because the baby wasn't passed back to her when she started crying, despite my wife saying she wanted her back.
Okay, I didn't push it (she has PPD, being treated). Well, at one point my mom had the baby and was feeding her the pumped breast milk and she started choking on the bottle.
My mom is slow so she recognized the issue but didn't sit her up as quickly as my wife liked so my wife immediately stepped in and took the baby to sit her up right. My mom said "I have kids you know. I know what I'm doing. I'm not stupid." And my wife snapped and said "really? That's why you just kept her on her back while she's choking and puking?"
And eventually handed the baby back off to my mom but then the baby choked again and my wife just lost it because again, my mom didn't sit the baby up with urgency like my wife wanted. My mom tried protesting and saying she was being ridiculous and my wife told her to shut up and get out.
I told her she needs to go calm down. Now I'm getting the silent treatment because I "defended my mother and clearly wanted to put the baby in danger," as well as calling us all "idiots."
Never in the history of forever has telling someone to calm down actually calmed them down, it’s like throwing water on an oil fire. That aside, let’s count the ways you’re an ahole:
Your freshly postpartum wife didn’t want visitors, you decided “huh, f her wishes” and invited people over that you know she doesn’t like. She pumped because she knew your family wouldn’t let her feed her own baby in the way that works best for her
The baby was being passed around and it was stressing her out. When your baby started crying and she wanted it back your family didn’t let her. Your wife rectified the situation when the baby was choking because your mom was slow as sludge to respond. You mom was a verbally abusive ahole.
Your wife handed the baby back and your mom repeated the exact same dumb thing and baby choked again. Your mom argued again. Instead of sticking up for your wife you backed your family and completely invalidated her feelings.
You swore at her. Your wife righteously lost it, I don’t blame her for that or for her giving you the silent treatment. Your wife has PPD and you’re being a really shitty partner. Do better.
“None of them have done anything to her personally but…” Then you go on to describe what they’ve done to her personally. And she should be civil to them for your sake, even though you won’t stand up and support her when they’re disrespectful to her.
And the main event here, I can’t even believe was a huge AH you were! Your wife should dump you and your nasty fucking family. You are the AH and so is your mother.
Jesus Christ YTA. If my newborn was choking and someone didn't sit her up faster than the speed of light that would be very last time they ever held that baby, no exceptions.
Your mother needs to learn to watch her mouth, there was zero need for this language when speaking to a new mom concerned for her baby's safety. Your mom escalated the situation and you should have called her on it.
YTA babies shouldn't be passed around like a spliff at a party and have people bottle feeding a breastfed baby like it's some sort of sport. Milk comes out differently from a bottle then it does with a breast.
And a baby being around by all new people with different voices and smells can be upsetting. Not to mention its rsv season. I know you want to show your baby off to your family but ask your wife how does she want to manage it? A smaller group of visitors? Only mum can hold the baby? Her concerns are valid.
YTA, without a doubt. She gave birth recently and has to deal with passive aggressive people. The fact your mother felt comfortable to judge her regarding sitting her up immediately already tells me you let her violate your wife’s boundaries.
Also not sure what protocol your doctor asked you to follow but mine suggested limiting contact the first three months as their immune system builds. I would be pissed too if my baby was being passed around.