'WIBTA if I divorced my wife for accusing me of cheating?' UPDATED 4X

"WIBTA if I divorced my wife for accusing me of cheating?"

Me (44m), my wife Grace (42f). Fake names for obvious reasons, same with throwaway account. Married for 13 years, together for 16.

Quick backstory: I met Grace about the time I got out of the military. It was a medical discharge, I met her while I was at the hospital for surgery. She was a nurse on the floor I was staying on, single mom, divorced for a couple of years.

I left the military, went back to school, and now I work from home as a software engineer, more or less. We started dating, took it slow the first couple of years because of her daughter, Maya, who was 5 at the time. Grace is still a nurse and Maya goes to college.

I would have said, until last month, that our marriage was pretty solid. We've had arguments, I admit I was kind of shit at housekeeping when we first moved in together because I was not used to how much kids tear things up around the house. But other than that it was good.

No "step-parent" issues, I had an active role in Maya's life because her own father lives overseas for work. We went on dates. Intimacy has always been great. We wanted kids but it wasn't in the cards for us. Honestly, I'm a bit blindsided.

I've had friends who were "blindsided" by divorce but I never understood how. Usually there were problems that they glossed over and then suddenly their wives would leave them and they just didn't see it coming.

But the rest of us could see it coming from a mile away. So here I am saying the same thing and maybe I just missed something huge.

The past few months Grace has been more stressed than usual. Ever since Covid, she's been burnt out and I asked her multiple times if she wanted to quit her job, at least for a couple of years. I thought the burn out was coming to a head, she was withdrawn, angry.

She snapped at me constantly, she ridiculed Maya over everything. But she's my wife, she was traumatised by the pandemic, and both Maya and I were understanding. We would do okay with just my salary so last month I sat her down to suggest again that she quit and take some time off to heal.

Then everything blew up. She started yelling at me that she knew what I was doing. She's known for months. She has proof. I didn't know what she was talking about at first but it didn't take long to realize she was accusing me of infidelity.

I can't lie, I was angry as hell. I opened my phone, handed it to her, told her to go through it. I went and got my laptop, unlocked it, told her to go through that. The whole time she's still shouting at me about some other woman.

I don't have "traditional" social media accounts. I'm on lobsters, hacker news, and I have a reddit account. I told her to check everything, there's no secret Facebook or instagram or whatever.

No messages from anyone. I opened discord, even Slack. Everything I could think of. But she wouldn't even look at it. She just got angrier and angrier and then she picked up my laptop and threw it. That's when I had enough and left.

I went to my parent's house. All the while, Grace was texting and calling and leaving more and more unhinged messages about this woman she knows I'm with.

When I got to my parent's house I called her once and told her I needed a few days because I was too angry to handle talking to her. My sister called the next morning and told her Grace had called her multiple times as well to see if I was really there.

After a few days I called Grace to talk and at first the conversation was productive. She apologized for throwing the laptop but she said I made her so angry because I was being so calm.

I told her I was not calm because I was being accused of cheating on my wife and I was furious but it was either try to talk it out or start shouting, which I didn't think was a good idea. Then she got angry, told me I was twisting her words and things felt apart quickly.

She started going on and on again that she knew I was cheating, she had proof. I asked her what proof, because I would like to see it. I don't remember how we got there but she said she was going to send everything to the lawyer and I said fine, send a copy to mine because this was going no where.

She got really quiet after that and asked if I was serious and I said I wasn't going to stay in a marriage where my wife thinks I cheated on her but won't tell me why. We ended the call there and I've been at my parent's house since.

My dad is on my side, my mom thinks Grace is just having a rough time and that we can talk this through. My sister is pissed she got dragged into it so she thinks we're both assholes, and Maya is miserable because she's being torn between me and her mom. I feel like maybe I jumped the gun and should have stayed calmer.

EDIT: My morning meetings are finally over and I need to concentrate on my job so I'm going to be logging out for the day. I'm going to talk to my mom to see if she'll talk to Grace. Suggest therapy, couples therapy, etc. I believe those of you who suggested missing reasons are correct. Something is causing this, I just don't know if it's something I've done, stress in her life, or if it's full on projection. I don't think it is. But you never know.

I'll assure Maya again that she has a place here no matter what. As far as I'm concerned, she's my daughter and of course she's got a place here if she needs it. However, I also won't try to pressure her considering that's her mom and I know this is pulling her in two ways.

2nd EDIT: Okay, so I took a quick break and thought I'd come back and read a couple comments but there are way too many to read. But there is an overall theme to them so I'll try to quickly address them here.

Someone asked if I was cheating. I understand why you asked that, I never came out and said in the post but let me assure you, no. I'm not cheating. I never have. Granted, those are just words and I'm sure some will think that I'm lying. But I love my wife. I never wanted to cheat. I'm not a saint, I've been attracted to people. I think Salma Hayek is gorgeous. But the thought of cheating has never crossed my mind.

A lot of people think she's cheating on me. Again, I don't think so. She's home every night at the same time. She doesn't hide away her devices. Could there be someone at work? Yes. Do I think she's cheating? No. But as many pointed out, those are famous last words.

Talking about divorce/staying calm. I have PTSD. I've worked a lot in therapy over the years to process intense emotions. It's why I stay calm. Not because I am, but because if I don't then I get overwhelmed. The "talk to my lawyer" comment was one of those moments I didn't process well.

I don't think it's a good idea to divorce her after over a decade together because of this past month. On the other hand, I know that because it's not a safe place for me mentally, I'll stay at my parents until we get this resolved.

Could it be hormones? Yes. It could. However, my wife is already taking hormones because of a medical procedure she had when she was in her early 30s. Like I said, it wasn't in the cards to have kids.

She has to see the doctor usually every six months to check her levels. Her last appointment was in March. However, her mood changes started before that.

Mental health issues? This is what I think it Is personally. Like I said, Grace has been building up to a burn out for a while now. These mood changes started a while ago, it's why I brought up taking time off of work.

It's why I brought it up again last month when she blew up at me. I think this is stress. It's why I haven't actually contacted a lawyer. Because I hope my marriage can be saved. I think I just wanted reassurance from a neutral 3rd party because I'm so far out of my depth here.

To those who say don't get my mom involved. My mom already is. She and Grace are incredibly close. She's called Grace every day to check on her. Grace has no contact with her own family.

So I'm not really involving mom as much as I'm just asking her to suggest marriage counselling to her the next time she calls. I sure as hell don't want to get some other party involved in this, so I'm not going to contact a friend to talk to my wife.

I haven't been no contact with my wife since I left. I probably should have clarified that. She messages me, sometimes it's the same silly stuff we've always talked about like random memes she's found or crap her coworkers are doing.

And sometimes it's her begging me to just tell her the truth. I'm exhausted mentally from this all and at the end of my rope. I've suggested therapy a couple of times already but that's gotten nowhere. Hopefully mom bringing it up might help.

Why the throwaway? Because my coworkers also have reddit accounts and I don't want them to see this post.

They might but hopefully software guy in his 40s with a wife in nursing is generic enough to American audiences that they won't know it's me. But if it's on my actual account, they definitely will. No one at work knows and I'd like to keep it that way.

I think that's everything. I want to add though, please don't disparage my wife. I'm upset over this because my wife is a great woman. She's smart, she's funny, she's sweet. She's been a wonderful mother and that's why I've been worried the past few months about her. Because this is so out of character.

Additional Information from OP:

Well yes. I would love to tell you why she thinks I'm cheating but she literally won't tell me. If it's because I'm on my computer too much, or because I use my phone weird, or I'm taking phone calls at odd hours, I don't know. She will not tell me why she thinks I'm cheating.

And that's the worst part of this. I could at least figure out what I might need to change, maybe I'm not being intimate enough. Maybe I haven't set up enough dates. Maybe she's feeling like I'm being distant. But I don't know. And I want to know. I love my wife. I've loved my wife since our second date. I knew I wanted to marry here after the first month.

This isn't an argument over me not doing the dishes right or her watching the rest of Fall of the House of Usher without me. She's accusing me of cheating on her and she won't tell me why. And I can't fix what I don't know.

And because I don't know, you don't know. If you can track my wife down and get her side of the story, please pass it on to me. I would also like to know her side of the story.

Comments and info from OP:

OP on getting therapy for himself and his wife:

I'd be happy for any sort of therapy. I've had to do it on and off for years, but she refuses because she thinks it's useless. I'll suggest it but I don't hold out too much hope.

I'm thinking because she's resistant to go to a therapist I might suggest she goes and checks with her PCP. She's been showing symptoms of burn out for a while, so depression, exhaustion, getting annoyed with us really easy. I personally think this is some kind of issue with stress.

mustang19671967:

Usually when blanketmaccusations it Is because they are doing it . Investigate her cheating especially if in an at fault state

OP:

I don't think she's cheating, but then you're right. It could be projection. She's never accused me of this before. This is brand new, hence why it was so startling. If she had been doing this for years I think you'd be right. It's why I'm having so much trouble with the whole situation. None of it makes sense.

OP on if his wife is likely to receive strange texting scams from someone else that accuses him of cheating on his wife:

This is something I never even thought of so I will definitely look into this. Thank you, I had no idea that this was even a thing. But it would explain why she hasn't shown me the "proof" yet because she's waiting on it.

Update 2 (5 days later):

I don't have the energy or patience to go back to AITAH so I am just doing this here. A quick and dirty update:

No. My wife is not cheating on me. As far as I know, she's not sick, got a tumour, or showing signs of early dementia. If she were, those things would be easier to process. Maybe it's perimenopause or menopause, I don't know. I don't care.

Yes, I will be seeking a divorce. No I will not go into it farther. I have already spoken to a lawyer. Maya is currently living with me and my parents. I will be looking for an apartment/condo to rent soon. I feel like I've overstayed my welcome. Maya is thinking of taking some time off to visit her dad. I don't blame her.

I'm a f&^%$g mess right now. I don't even know why I logged back into this account other than to say no, my wife really wasn't cheating on me. I can honestly say I wish she was. It'd be so much fg easier than this shit. Thanks for the advice and the concern.

Update 3 (3 days later):

I'm sorry if this isn't the right community but my friend suggested it and I thought maybe this might be the right place to vent, or get advice or something. I'm not sure what information is necessary or relevant so I'm just going to write everything down I can think of.

I've been married to my wife Grace for 13 years. We've been together for 16. When we first got together she told me she was low/no contact with her family. There was some obvious trauma regarding it and as someone with PTSD, I respected that she may not be ready to share it. Plus, my family loved her so I was happy to share. After dating for a while, right before I proposed, she told me more about her family.

Grace is from a deeply fundamentalist Christian family. I know the umbrella stuff was a big deal as well as marrying young and a lot of really fd up shit. She got married at 16 to the son of family friends. He was 19. She was kind of lucky in a way because her ex-husband moved her across the state and away from her family and she was able to finish school and start college.

From what I can gather he wanted out of the cult too. She had their daughter, Maya, when she was 21 and he was finishing up his last year of school. When he finished school he went off to grad school in Europe and she moved back home to her family. They got divorced soon after.

After the divorce her family tried to marry Grace off to a guy that was over twice her age, which was her cue to finally get out too. From what little she would tell me, it was not an easy exit.

A lot of violence was involved and she suggested there was SA/attempted kidnapping from the older man. However, eventually she got out. She took her daughter, moved in with a distant aunt, cut off most of the family. A few years later she met me and the rest was history. Until this year.

The past few months my wife has been very snappish, sudden bouts of anger, withdrawn. She's a nurse and I thought at first she was burnt out. She was working days at a time with no break during the pandemic.

I thought the trauma of that and just non stop covid shit was finally coming to a head and I suggested a few times maybe she should take some time off. The last time I suggested it she blew up at me and started accusing me of cheating. It was an intense fight, she said she had proof and I wanted to see it, she threw my laptop and I left.

We had another fight a bit later over the phone where she said she'd send the proof of my infidelity to a lawyer and I said pass it on to mine. After that we mostly talked via text, and it was mostly her sending me updates at work or silly memes. Periodically she'd plea with me to tell her the truth about the cheating but I had no idea what the hell she was talking about.

For the past few weeks I've been waiting to see what proof she had, for her to talk to me more than a few memes here and there, anything. I've been living with my parents and it's been fg stressful. I was thinking I was never going to find out what was going on until a few days ago when she showed up at my parents to talk.

And finally she told me the proof of me cheating which was her coworker had told my wife she had seen me with another, much younger woman.

So okay, I can handle that. I ask some follow up questions, what did she look like, where was this, etc. I figure out pretty quickly that she's talking about Maya. We go to the hospital to eat lunch with her sometimes and her coworker must have seen us together.

Simple mistake right? Except my wife knew that her coworker was describing Maya and was more or less suggesting I was cheating on her with the child I helped raise and calls me dad.

I tried not to get angry because I know she has a lot of trauma with older men being with younger women, especially after what her parents tried to force her to do. But at the same time, I felt disgusted and betrayed she'd ever think I'd do that and the conversation devolved into another argument.

During that argument she admitted that it wasn't just any coworker, the coworker is her first cousin Shelia. And Shelia is still in the church.

It all starts tumbling out that she's been hanging out with Shelia during down time. She's been calling and talking to her dad. The one that tried to marry her off to a man older than I am right now. She's been going to church meetings again when I thought she was at work.

And you know what, none of the church stuff would be a problem. If she wants to be Christian, whatever. Except everything she's spewing is a contradiction to every other thing she's spewing. First I evidently am in my "prime" years for children, I'm 44. I'm past my prime for kids. Maya is 21 and I'm thrilled to have her living at home but I'm also thrilled she can clean her own bathroom.

Because my dad is secular Jewish, he's evil and that evil is passed down to me. My mom is more evil because she was Christian (she never really was, her family was lapsed catholic, I'm not sure she's ever even been to mass) but mom turned her back on the church and didn't raise me Christian which is evil.

My mom, a woman who loves my wife probably more than she loves me, is now a sinner and deceitful, according to my wife.

But more than all of that, the part that makes me sickest and pushed me to actually call a lawyer was that she suggested our daughter, brilliant amazing kid that loves her mom so much, is to blame because she's "young and flaunting herself."

It's all jumbled up in my brain. There was so much more. She went on for what felt like hours before I asked her to leave. I wasn't a good provider because she had to work. I know I reminded her that I was suggesting she take time off from work but evidently that was proof that I was just trying to isolate her from her family.

There were so many f&^%$g tangents and conspiracies. Like suggesting she get therapy, which I've been doing since before the pandemic, but especially after the pandemic, was me trying to brainwash her to be okay with me having an affair with Maya. I don't understand any of it.

I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to even start. That evening, after my wife left, Maya called crying because her mom was saying some really awful shit to her. So I told Maya to come stay with my parents and I and that just added flames to fire so now Grace thinks we're living together.

I called a lawyer and I think my marriage is over and I don't know what to do. I don't know where the fundamentalist shit starts and where the conspiracy ends and what I'm even supposed to do to fix things. I don't know that I can fix things. I don't even know how I missed things falling apart to this extent.

Update 4 (1 week later):

I saw my wife earlier today. Wanted to sit down and start talking about what divorce was going to look like between us. We have over a decade of our finances, our home, our lives intermingled. I've been paying for Maya's school. It's her job that we get most of our insurance coverage from. I put the down payment on our house, but she's paid off just as much of it as I have.

We'll have lawyers do all this but at the same time I just wanted to look at her and make her see what she was doing. Divorce isn't just a word, it's a real concrete thing. The lives that we have been living are over as we know it. We're not old, it's not like we can't move on from this, but at the same time I've been her husband for so long I don't know who I am without her.

When I got home I started drinking and I haven't stopped all evening. Which is f*&^%$g stupid, don't do what I did. I just, couldn't stop. I kept seeing here, sitting across from me. Refusing to look at me. I don't know her anymore. And I'm not sure if I ever did.

My therapist talks about masking right? Because of the PTSD and adhd and shit. I mask a lot with coworkers or clients or whatever, but I never had to mask at home. And now I'm wondering if this entire marriage she was just masking being happy with me.

Was she miserable the whole time? Did she pick me because I was stable and a good dad figure to Maya? I'm not ugly, I'm not handsome either. Our sex life was good but was it?

Was she just doing it because she learned all that shit as a kid that she had to please her husband? I feel sick. I feel like I abused her because I don't know how much of it was her and how much was just the programming she went through in that f&^%%$g church.

And Maya, christ, Maya is just... she's not great. She's trying so hard to be stoic and strong but she's my baby girl. I taught her how to fish and she's better at it than I am!

She taught me how to knit when I was having trouble with work during the pandemic and struggling with the lockdown. She's such an amazing kid and she's hurting and I hate Grace for that. I hate her for hurting our kid.

But I love her. and that hurts too. I don't know what the point of this was. I came back to read over the theories about cheating on me or menopause. I thought what we had was fixable. I thought if I worked at it we could change things. And it's just over. It's so fg final. Let that be a lesson, sometimes shit just ends and there is nothing any of us can do about it.

One comment to OP:

rexendra:

You and Maya will get through this, and she will need you more than ever now. I was hoping this was gonna be a silly misunderstanding. Keep Maya out of this cult if possible, best of luck to both of you. And take care of yourself, maybe get some kind of counseling. This would be a major transition if it were a simple divorce, and it is very not simple.