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Man realizes that 'toxic men' manipulated him into divorce; begs to remarry ex-wife. AITA? MAJOR UPDATE.

Man realizes that 'toxic men' manipulated him into divorce; begs to remarry ex-wife. AITA? MAJOR UPDATE.


When this man finally realizes that he was tricked into divorcing his wife by his toxic family and friends, he asks Reddit:

"I was manipulated into divorce, begging for my wife back. AITA?"

I’ve been divorced for almost 2 years and a few weeks ago my father (67m), my 2 brothers (37m&40m) and 4 friends (35m,37m,38,41m) while very drunk joked about how they can’t believe I left my wife.

They said that they all tried to get with her since the divorce but she had repeatedly rejected them, saying it would be inappropriate and unkind to do such a thing to me.

I laughed at what they were saying just to ease them into saying more and once they thought I found it funny they really opened up. They had all purposely made me feel paranoid about my ex-wife cheating on me, and using me because why would a woman like her be with a man like me if it wasn’t for the money I made?

They often hinted at or sometimes even directly said that she wore the pants in the relationship and that she was only with me because I’m easily manipulated.

They constantly planted negative things into my mind. If I went to talk with them about something happening in my relationship they would put a negative twist to it or they’d purposely give me bad advice.

Then when I lost my job during covid they all hinted at how she’s definitely cheating now that there’s no financial benefit in being faithful to me. I obviously trusted them and often took their words to heart and it ruined my marriage.

I frequently argued with my wife and I was always accusing her of something or suspecting her of not really loving me. I questioned everything that was between us.

I often told her bullshit things like how I’m a high value man and that she needed to appreciate me and when I was not working for 6 months I flipped the script and started accusing her of not respecting me for not working.

I was unappreciative of all her hard work and for being the one who took care of our household bills and any other bill during those six months of unemployment. I continued to let their words drive me into paranoia and I started accusing her of cheating with her co-workers.

Eventually my wife had enough of my moods, constant mistrust and accusations. She left me and to be honest for a long time it felt like it came out of nowhere and so I had myself convinced she left me for another man.

Now here I am knowing that every man I’ve called my family, my friend were all my enemies who I let destroy my marriage. I obviously lost my mind once they were done telling me all the ways they conspired to ruin my marriage, and we did get to blows. I’ve cut off all contact with each and everyone of them.

I want to reach out to my ex and make amends and hopefully get her back. My ex-wife has agreed to meet up with me and she doesn’t know exactly what I want to discuss with her and I don’t know how to go about making amends and hopefully mending our relationship.

How do I tell her how much I regret everything and that I want her to give me a second chance? Is there even a chance for us?

Edit: Some of y’all keep saying “you took the words of your friends over your wife’s” and I don’t think that’s a to fair or complete assessment. I trusted my father and brothers.

My father was the main driving force behind this manipulation campaign and it’s not often that your entire family is conspiring against you. And not only your family but also your friends.

I’m not running away from accepting the fact that it is wholly my fault in how my marriage ended. I take ownership of that. I take ownership of the fact that I accused my wife of being a cheater or a user. I regret it all.

If my ex-wife doesn’t accept my apology. I would accept it gracefully. If she said she never wanted to talk to me or ever get back together I’d also accept it. I would not stand in the way and I would not try to change her mind. I would wish her well and leave her be. AITA?

Before we give you OP's major update (where he meets up with his ex-wife) let's take a look at some of the top responses:

specialistbi7 writes:

You told her you’re a high value man? LOL good thing she ran for the hills. Men who say that are usually the biggest AHs on the planet. You went to your family and friends instead of a therapist for your relationship problems and that’s where you fd up.

And I bet the guys you were venting to aren’t even married or in healthy relationships so getting advice from them about your marriage was bound to lead to divorce.

Not to mention you quoted a man who spent a good amount of his time putting women down who couldn’t even get a woman of his own.

Bruh you were married…listening to miserable single men In the future, either go to a therapist about your relationship problems or at least get advice from people who are in healthy marriages.

They will usually encourage you to work through problems in a healthy manner and give you better perspectives on situations. If she is fully healed, knows her worth and knows she deserves better, you may not be able to get her back.

aggresivesteve writes:

You know what I did when my family and friends tried to come between me and my husband? Cut them off.

I went over 4 years not speaking to my father. Didn't see him before he died. Didn't go to his funeral. It's been over a decade since I've seen some of my family. Because it was never about the worthiness of my husband, but rather their control over me. You fell straight into that.

You can't help who you are related to, but you can protect yourself, and the people in your life. You need to learn to see bad behavior for what it is, and how to respond to it. Go to therapy.

Just apologize to your wife. No strings, no hope of reconciliation, just apologize. I might not be a high-value woman (whatever the f that means), but there is no way in hell my pride would let me go back to a man that treated me this way.

caitnmelon writes:

I applaud you for your recent self-awareness. All that said, they are right you are easily manipulated, but you need to take accountability for this. You let them plant those seeds and you treated her like shit for years. For absolutely no reason except your own insecurity.

That’s all on you, bro. The whole woman hating, ‘high value man’ BS shows me you didn’t respect her at all. She didn’t leave you for another man, she left because you couldn’t live up to being a good man. I really hope she went on to find a good man, one who respects her as a whole person and not just property.

I really hope you continue with the self-awareness journey you are on. I hope you get into therapy. You realize and take accountability for how your marriage ended so maybe you can show up as a better man for your next partner or this cycle will just continue.

The fact your family and friends went after her after your divorce goes to show their lack of actual respect for you. I would cut these people out of your life like a cancer.

And now, OP's major update:

On Sunday I got to meet up with my ex-wife. I apologized profusely and she was kind and understanding but said she couldn’t and wouldn’t forgive me.

She said that it simply isn’t in her nature to forgive, and that despite it all she holds no grudges or anger against me and wishes me nothing but goodness in my life.

She did give me some advice and told me that I have been in an abusive relationship all my life and that in order to heal whatever is broken in me that I should cut out my father as he sets the tone for my treatment by the rest of my family.

(She had pointed out the many ways my father has hurt me or had encouraged my family to mistreat me).

She said I’d always be stagnated and unhappy if I continued to associate myself with my family and former friends. I told her that I cut them out of my life and that I’ve got my first therapy session scheduled in a few days. She said she was proud of me for taking my first step into healing.

Our conversation was heartfelt and emotionally devastating as we discussed the many ways our marriage had failed as well as the abuse I’ve experienced by my father and family.

We cried the entire time. We cried a lot. We ended our conversation with a long hug and then we said our goodbyes.

Well, there you have it. Is OP TA here? What do you make of this strange situation?

Sources: Reddit
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