Man uninvites younger brother from their father's funeral; 'I can't let him EXPOSE our father in his eulogy.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

When this man is furious with his brother, he asks the internet:

"OOP asks if they'll be an AH for uninviting their brother to their father's funeral?"

I have three younger siblings, two brothers (Andrew and Ben), and one sister (Claire). When we were younger, my father discovered Ben was homosexual. He was enraged, and probably would have disowned Ben on the spot if it was not for the intervention of our mother.

Dad and Ben never reconciled, and Dad did everything in his power to make Ben as uncomfortable as possible. Us siblings stayed close, but eventually Ben could not take the constant abuse anymore and moved out. Claire followed, but for career reasons. Andrew and I stayed in our hometown.

Dad died of COVID complications few days ago. As the eldest son of the family, it became my responsibility to prepare the funeral. He was a prominent member of the local community, so attendance will be high. Now we come to the main issue.

Ben wanted to give a eulogy, and sent me a draft of his speech. Unsurprisingly, the contents were not flattering, and I rejected him on the spot.

He got really angry, and told me that this was his best chance to expose Dad's hypocrisy, especially since he had the image of a good family man. He wanted everyone to know how much abuse he suffered at the hands of our father.

Now, I love Ben unconditionally. He is my younger brother, and there are not a lot of things I would not do for him. However, this is one of them. It is simply not appropriate to speak ill of the dead at their own funeral, which is supposed to be a celebration of their life.

For all his ugly, hideous flaws, Dad was a complicated person, and focusing the entire funeral on his relationship with one person is too much.

There is also the fact that letting him do such a eulogy will probably cause a massive fallout in the community. Ben will not have the deal with the consequences, because he lives in another state, but Andrew and I will be left picking up the pieces.

Claire is on Ben's side for this one, while Andrew is on mine. I want to stress that I am not trying to cover for my father, or what he did to Ben. But there is a time and place for such things, and a funeral is not it.

Ben eventually backed down, but his husband has tipped me off that Ben is still preparing to cause trouble. I really really do not want to do this, but it seems to me that uninviting my brother from the funeral is the only choice. WIBTA if I did so?

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some top responses:

cimres writes:

He has said that Ben will be free to go home and never think about the consequences of his actions (apparently the sister as well) while he and his other brother will be left dealing with those consequences. Let’s be clear here, we don’t know what exactly he means but a lot of people tend to “blame the son for the sins of the father” so to speak.

I’ve seen it a few times where a family member harassed or destroyed by the actions of another. They may look at the family as a whole differently, they may blame him for his fathers actions, for his brothers action and think he “let him do it”. We just don’t know but he is worried about the repercussions on his own life.

I understand this because my own father did some things and we begged my other sibling to stop trying to throw it all out there because it would damage our lives and reputations as well.

They get to leave state while my business, livelihood, and how I support my kids could be destroyed. The difference is my sibling actually understands and stopped to prevent hurting the rest of us as we all suffered in some way already.

punslin writes:

Not the asshole for not wanting drama at a funeral. However, if your dad managed to maintain this image despite his actions and you agree that your dad was in the wrong for what he did to ben, then I feel you have a responsibility to address his flaws and false image.

Not to mention, other people presumably know about Ben and their rocky relationship, or will have questions about why Ben isn't attending if he is uninvited, so questions will be asked regardless.

Whether this is addressed inside or outside the funeral is ultimately up to the organisers (you), but as a member of the LGBT community myself my sympathy goes to Ben here. As far as I'm concerned, your dad failed to be father.

faf09 writes:

YTA because it sounds like the reason you are opposed to this is that it will expose to the community that your father was abusive.

That suggests to me the the entire family protected your father from the repercussions of abusing your brother.

Was your father in high standing positions throughout his life? A community leader? Can you honestly say he was deserving of those honors and accolades? Should he really remain a pillar of the community?

What I will agree with is that a eulogy isn’t the place to expose your father. Not because the outcome is inappropriate, or that it’s inappropriate to honestly talk about the dead. It’s not speaking ill to speak the truth.

The reason it shouldn’t be during the funeral is because a funeral doesn’t allow time for the follow up conversations that need to happen. It would turn what should be a healing process into shock value. It will make the conversation not about your dad’s choices but about the audacity of your brother.

Your brother is angry, not just at your father but at the family’s clear intention to sweep your father’s abuse under the rug. But what he’s planning isn’t going to make him feel better, and could potentially make others dismiss his trauma as merely the black sheep lashing out.

He should write his eulogy and post it on his Facebook or other social media. And you and your family need to acknowledge you are continuing to cause your brother harm by telling him his story can no longer be told because it can harm your father’s reputation.

Your father ruined his own reputation. That doesn’t mean there is no good in his story. It just means the good that is there must be found honestly and be the truth.

If you want to honor your father then honor the full man that he was, not the idealized man you wanted him to actually be.

jj08 writes:

I think NAH but you have to know this might change your relationship with your brother forever (tho I guess him going could definitely do that too) and whether you are willing to risk that or not it's your choice to make.

Also at the end of the day you might not want to cover for your father but it's what you are doing imo, you are still hiding what he did from everyone when a person he abused wants to expose him. I understand you are not doing it for your father but your brother might not see it that way.

malcador writes:

YTA. Reminds me of some local drama a few years back about a priest who passed away. Real fire and brimstone evangelical type, "pillar of the community" and all that jazz. Liked to really dig in on the evils of homose%uals and how their sin pollutes everything around them.

Talked about "the only way someone ends up gay is that they were sexually abused." Then he died, and his son comes out as gay AT THE FUNERAL. Turns out papa touchy Feely was a serial se%ual abuser who had violated children for years, including his own.

Surprisingly little media coverage, but that tends to happen to rich clergy members caught doing evil s. I hope it's not the same story with your dad, but I gotta say it certainly smells the same from your description.

gaiuy writes:

NTA I'm not going to debate the sins of the dead - but the avowed intent of the living. "I'm coming to the funeral to make trouble." That's an asshole right there.

It's **cowardly** to want to settle scores mid-ceremony. The dead can't defend himself.

The living (who are there to grieve) can't leave or argue - not in the formal setting of a church (or hall or whatever), forced by convention and good manners to sit and listen to what ever kakology the aggrieved want to force feed the assembly. Isn't this just as much grandstanding as flinging oneself on the coffin graveside? No one KNEW and LOVED him like I did = No one KNEW and HATED him like I did?

Do you think the dead guy's friends will think "Oh gosh, this changes everything, now I hate that bastard too"? Or "Oh gosh, what a tacky scene-throwing attention wh*re! He's a grown man, why didn't he deal with the guy when he had the chance"?

Your brother may not have liked the b*stard - then don't come! NC goes beyond death IMHO. Tell him to control himself or stay home. If he needs catharsis so bad, suggest your brother stick around the graveside and watch the front end loader pound the dirt flat as many of us silently did that day [of my asshole father's funeral -edit for clarity] Forgetting the dead is the best revenge.

silverc writes:

YTA. Your brother wrote that out of grief and anger. Never will his father change to accept him. Never will he have the relationship that all kids no matter how old they are want with a parent. Anger because where is the justice for all that he suffered. Anger because it hurts to the bone that this happened and how dare nothing is said.

I've been in similar shoes. Talk to your brother and the rest of your siblings to see if you all can come up with a balanced eulogy.

Tell your brother that you do want his pain to be acknowledged, but eulogy is about the deceased whole life, not just a portion. Have the eulogy reflect the good and bad. Be honest about who he was. As he was human and not a Saint - so it shouldn't be all good.

Your brother does have a right to say what he needs. Let him know that you support that. However, not everyone outside the family will understand and judge him and the rest of you harshly.

Offer as a compromise for your brother, at a funeral, they allow time for the family to have their own private time before the actual funeral starts. It can be as long or short as the family needs. Allow your brother that time to say what he needs to say. Then when he has it all out, make sure to comfort him because it's going to be rough. Then have your honest funeral.

UPDATE 1:

For those asking why I would even want to honor such a horrible man in the first place: it's complicated.

Dad was a great father until the incident, which happened when I was in college. It's not easy being torn being two people you love, and even though I can say I did not hesitate to choose Ben, Dad was still the person I grew up admiring and loving.

I'm still sorting my own feelings out, and trying to reconcile the loving father that raised me and my siblings with the man who threw away everything for his petty prejudices.

For those asking about the fallout: It has to do with the town's local politics. That's all I'm willing to say.

Going to do a last few clarifications here because people are making a lot of assumptions:

No. We did not cover up the abuse. All four of us siblings have been clear to our friends and family why we moved out of the family house, and my mother has also made it clear why she and my late father were estranged, even if we did not go out of way to air the family's dirty laundry.

Ben has also made it clear that he does not resent any of us besides our father, and us falling out would just be what our Dad would have wanted.

I might have understated a bit when I referred to the eulogy draft as unflattering. It was vulgar, vile and definitely not appropriate for a funeral. Even if I had agreed with Ben's plan, there was no chance I would have approved the draft; the eulogy would have reflected badly on him, and not my father.

I am not going to ask Ben to keep the abuse a secret. He is free to tell anyone he likes, on Facebook, the local obituary etc. I just think that the funeral is not the appropriate time, and especially not through an eulogy.

Hello, it has been one of the longest weeks of my life, but the funeral has finally concluded. Thank you to everyone who commented on my original post. Some people sent me messages for an update, so here you go.

First of all, it would have been a mistake to rescind the invite to my brother, and thank you to the people who pointed out that I had no way of keeping him out of the church without asking security to throw him out.

That would probably have been almost as bad, if not worse, than the eulogy. I had to deal with a lot of people during the funeral preparations, many of them unpleasant but influential, and really was not in the right state of mind to make decisions.

It was also wrong of me to try to deny Ben closure, though I do have to say that the comments accusing me of being complicit in or not having done enough to stop my brother's abuse were out of line.

A singular post where I am actively trying to limit personal information is not a fair basis from which to extrapolate our family relationships, and it seems to me that many of the commenters have their own emotional baggage that they are trying to project onto my relationships.

I met up with my brother and his husband a few days after he gave me the eulogy. Thank you to those who suggested I ask about his motivations and provided alternate perspectives.

We had a surprisingly brief talk. In short, Ben did not want us, his immediate family, to lionize our father. We agreed that Ben would come, but we would leave the eulogy to Dad's friends and we would hold a private wake for his immediate family only.

UPDATE 2:

The funeral was mostly uneventful. A few questions were asked by the priest and my father's friends why none of his children or his wife were giving eulogies, but I just explained that we were leaving it for the wake. At the wake, we all got to say what we wanted to say. I will leave it at that.

Thanks to whoever suggested the after-funeral party. We went to our childhood home and had a great time. Due to COVID, we really hadn't had the chance to meet up much, and this was first time we've had in a long while to catch up.

After the funeral, we published an obituary with sections from each part of the family. It was tacitly worded, and choosing the right words was a pain, but Ben had fun with his section.

All in all, I think the matter was settled quite nicely. Thank you again for everyone who gave advice, and everyone who provided their kind words.