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Man gets vasectomy against mother's wishes, 'What do you want from me? Dad's in PRISON!' AITA? UPDATED.

Man gets vasectomy against mother's wishes, 'What do you want from me? Dad's in PRISON!' AITA? UPDATED.


When this man is freaked out by his family situation and gets a sudden vasectomy, he asks Reddit:

"AITAH for getting a vasectomy against my mother's wishes while my father is in jail?"

One month ago my biological father was arrested for not paying child support. He is a good person, always supportive I used to stay with him 2 weekends a month. He was never married to my mother.

He got caught driving without valid license because it was suspended due to his arrears. Honestly its not his fault, he was let go and the arrears just kept piling up. So he was not able to pay them back even when he got the job.

I am looking for some solution for him maybe I could get some of it forgiven, but its seems unlikely.

This made me realize that I dont ever want to be in his position ever. I always wanted to have kids but they are not worth that kind of risk. I decided the best way is to just not have kids.

I also decided to just get a vasectomy now. I am 21 and so its not easy to find doctors who are willing but I found one. I have appointment for the end of March.

I told my mother about it and instead of being supportive she got upset. She wants grandkids and I am her only child. But I gave her my reason I dont want to go to jail just because I lose my job in the future. If I have kids then it will be real possibility.

She is still trying to change my mind, she said she will pay for all the child support if that happens, but I dont think she is getting my point. I never want to risk being my father. He was never a deadbeat, he was just unlucky and he is in jail for it. I dont think she really empathize with me. AITAH?

throwawyarb writes:

NTA, and I completely support the choice to be child free, but since this decision comes from a (reasonably) very emotional place and you have wanted to have kids previously.

I would advise you take some time to be sure you are being clear headed about this. Vasectomies can theoretically be reversed but its not guaranteed and should be treated as a permanent decision.

Maybe consider looking into freezing your sperm so you still have a way of having kids if you find yourself in a secure enough financial position that stuff like this wouldn't be as much of a worry for you?

Im very sorry about what your dad is going through, the system should be more forgiving about non-payment of child support when there has been unemployment.

beautifulmelody writes:

Typically, CS is determined based on the income of the nonprimary parent, or sometimes potential income in the case where there is reasonable evidence the nonprimary is intentionally decreasing their income bellow their potential income.

CS is meant to ensure the nonprimary is paying the court decided percentage to support their child. If his current income is lower than it was previously, he should have requested the amount be readjusted to accommodate this.

Additionally, I understand visitation was limited at birth because of the logistics that come with a newborn. But your dad could have requested increased visitation when you were old enough to travel back and forth safely.

Assuming you're in the US, most custody agreements start at 50/50 unless the parents live too far apart to make that feasible or there are concerns about one parent's ability to safely care for the child for longer periods of time.

In some states/counties, they automatically bring you to court on a set schedule if you are behind on CS. You get the opportunity there to present your case and reasoning.

I know this as someone who's parent was brought to court every 2 years for not paying and eventually got their arrears erased with a doctor's note claiming disability.

I don't know, but I'm skeptical that having CS to pay prevents you from receiving welfare. Again, that's typically determined by income.

Lastly, your dad is in jail because he chose to drive without a license. I recognize that there are places where public transport is scarce. But this is still a decision he made that is against the law. Additionally, he likely was doing something else illegal to get him pulled over and discovered in the first place. Another choice.

Of course you're alloud to make this choice for yourself if it's what you feel is best. Just make sure you're getting the full story before you make such a big decision based on it. Losing your job and being in jail sucks.

But typically decisions are made along the way that get you there. And it can be hard to honestly take personal responsibility for the ones that so drastically change your life.

mousattackw writes:

I don't think you really empathize with your mother.

She raised you almost completely on her own, totally lacking the financial partnership she would have had from an in-home co-parent. She essentially fronted your dad the cost of raising his son to adulthood.

Child support isn't a punishment, it's a responsibility. And your mother covered his portion alone while he fd off and did whatever — which didn't include being your primary parent.

If you covered a friend's half of a shared dinner and had to wait two weeks for $50 or whatever, how hard would their failure to pay hit your bank account? Now multiply that by 500 and imagine they owed you the money for a decade. How would you be getting by while you wait on what you're owed?

Your dad sounds charismatic and kind, but that doesn't mean he's not a deadbeat. And I literally couldn't care less whether you snuff your swimmers or not, but your excessive sympathy for the man who left your mother responsible for, well, everything is extremely gross.

Have a little gratitude, punk. Because without him, you had her, but if she were as unreliable as him, you would have grown up in the system.

OP provides this update:

Also, seems that this post has somehow become a place to convince me to hate my father. Dont waste your breath. Also people saying that I am somehow demonizing my mother, I am not. I think she needs to understand that I can make decisions for my body.

Also, my dad did not stop paying CS on purpose, he lost his job and it accrued with heavy interest rates. He was paying before he lost his job, he paid after he found another job. He just was not able to pay the missed CS and associated interest and it accrued.

Why are you being cruel to him? You dont even know him? You want me to convince my father is deadbeat because he paid CS except when he didnt have a job.

You cant even empathize with a person who lost his job, who lives paycheck to paycheck. He always paid unless he couldnt. dont think you will succeed in gaslighting me.

Also I can ask for welfare support, but if I am a father with legal obligation to pay CS, there is no welfare support for me. I will not qualify for welfare, I will just be sent to jail and be told to just get a job.

How do people even get a job after they are sent to prison. Fucked up thing is my father is in jail and interest is getting accrued still. I mean how is he gonna pay from jail. Its all f-g stupid.

I did get my sperm frozen, its 500 bucks a year. If I ever to have kids, I would want to do it through surrogacy so that there is no risk of child support. I am really not comfortable with the idea of being a single parent on purpose.

But its good insurance to have although chances are slim to none. I definitely do not want to adopt.

Looks like OP is NTA here. But this is a complex situation. What would YOU do if you were OP?

Sources: Reddit
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