Man wants a divorce because wife 'stays in touch' with ex, 'I don't think this is healthy.' AITA? UPDATED
"AITA for wanting to divorce my wife because she wants to keep in touch with her ex?"
"I M(30) have been married to F(29), and we have had issues where F(29) wants to keep checking on her exes to see if they are okay. I have expressed to her that I don't think this is healthy and it bothers me a lot. She promised me she would stop and even blocked everyone, and we continued with our lives.
Recently, while I was traveling, I found out that she was trying to get in touch with her ex. She claims she just wanted to check in and see how he is doing. All of this happened behind my back, and if I hadn't found out and confronted her, she probably would have brushed it off. I feel lost; to me, this is cheating. I don't trust her anymore, and I am considering divorce.
This situation is not healthy for our relationship, and I have expressed several times how her actions affect me. We have two small children together, and I am tired of constantly worrying about her reaching out to her exes. I told her I want a divorce, but she keeps saying it won't happen again and we should try to work things out.
However, I honestly don't want to. Even if we go to counseling, I'm exhausted. At this point, I just want the kids to be happy, and I'm willing to live with her for a while until we prepare the kids and our finances for the divorce, but not as a couple. Am I overreacting?"
EDITS:
This ex was not a relationship; they just hooked up several times because my ex was afraid of getting into a relationship with this guy. She has stated multiple times how nice he is, how wild the sex was, and she even talked about our relationship with him.
I also have several exes, including an ex-fiancée and casual partners, but they are irrelevant to me. I don't understand people saying that I'm controlling. With two children who require a lot of care, how do you find time to look into these things.
I took the children with me so she could rest up. I just don't get it. Firstly, I completely disagree that I'm controlling. I expressed how I felt, and she willingly said she would block them. I will never disregard my feelings; prioritizing my own well-being and emotional health is most important to me right now.
The kids are definitely mine; I don't care about the financial part, as money is not an issue. If she wants child support, alimony, whatever, she will have it. I care about my mental health and being well for my children. She is making her choices, and she is free to do so, but I don't want to be a part of this. I have enjoyed my life quite a bit; I have no time for these games.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Sebscreen said:
NTA. She lied to your face, broke her promise, all in pursuit of doing something most would consider cheating or at least wildly inappropriate. Intended or not, the optics and implications of unblocking and reaching back out to exes when you are away are crystal clear.
I also have no doubt that if you pushed this very valid concern, she'd turn around and vilify you as controlling and abusive. No amount of therapy can win back the trust when she went out of her way to deliberately and methodically stab you in the back.
LLJKSiLk said:
NTA. She is disregarding your feelings on purpose and only tries to mollify you when caught red-handed. If you stick around she will just keep doing it.
Rumble73 said:
NTA. Unless she’s co-parenting, this is an actual normal boundary in many healthy relationships.
BlueGreen_1956 said:
NTA. If your wife lied to you about this, what else might she be lying about? You need to understand that she has an insatiable need for attention. From you. From her exes. From her coworkers. It never ends. If you are at the point of considering divorce, get your ducks in a row and do it. Having kids makes it more difficult but sometimes it just is what it is.
uiam_ said:
NTA. What is to be done once the trust is gone? She's just sorry she got caught. People here saying YTA are insane. She lied & ignored a boundary you both discussed and she agreed to and attempted to do so behind your back while you were traveling. Red flag sale.
DinkumGemsplitter said:
NTA. Unless you are co-parenting, I see nothing positive in continuing a relationship with an ex while you are in a committed relationship.
Early-Tale-2578 said:
There should be no reason why she’s contacting her exes I guarantee she wouldn’t want you doing that . She obviously doesn’t care about your feelings so why stay with someone like that especially when she’s doing it behind your back NTA
UPDATE:
We've had an open conversations without judgment, with a lot of understanding. It turns out she's been hiding a lot more than I realized. She's definitely been unfaithful, as she admitted. Anyway, I feel a mix of sadness and relief now that she's finally come clean.
I'll eventually file for divorce and let her go once everything is sorted out. Thank you for your advice; I truly appreciate it. And to those who labeled me as jealous or controlling, well, reality can be quite different from what you assume.