Man wants to get revenge on wife who cheated on him 5 YEARS AGO; 'We stayed together but I'm STILL HURT.' AITA? UPDATED
When this man is torn about whether or not to get back at his wife, he asks the internet:
"AITAH for wanting to get revenge on wife from when she cheated on me 5 years ago?"
My wife (35F) and I (35M) have been married for 10 years. We have 2 children (9F, 7M). 5 years ago, I found out that my wife had an affair. I felt crushed and numb because I loved my wife a lot.
Her affair partner told me about it when my wife called it off. The affair lasted 1 month, and my wife had called it off because she felt really guilty about it. When I confronted my wife about it, she was very remorseful and didn’t deny anything.
She said she’d do anything, follow any reconciliation steps I asked, and just begged to not breakup our family. I asked her why she cheated, and she gave no excuses, and she just said it was for the thrill.
My first reaction was to divorce but after sitting on it for a week, I decided to just stick it out for our family, and because I still loved my wife. My wife was very thankful, and she even told me I had a hall pass I could use whenever I wanted.
Over the next year or so, my wife followed the reconciliation steps, which included therapy, getting sober, quitting her job, and a bunch of other things. I had forgiven my wife but I could never forget it, I would occasionally just replay in my mind my wife cheating on me, and that always hurt a lot.
Fast forward to today, and my family is doing great. However, I have a struck a friendship with Melissa (32F) who I met at a bookstore. We had common interests in books for existentialism, metaphysics, and similar books.
I don’t know how, but when we met, we just clicked. We initially met every week at the bookstore to just discuss books and life, but we started talking more about our personal life and we then started going on coffee dates and brunches.
One more thing we had in common was that Melissa too was married to her husband who had cheated on her many years ago.
It’s been almost a year since I met her, and Melissa has made it upfront that she has very strong feelings for me, and that she’s never had these feelings for anyone else ever in her life.
I too have a lot of feelings for her but I feel guilty about it so I haven’t told her about them yet. I haven’t crossed any physical boundaries and I don’t intend to (we only hug and hold hands). But I do want to explore more of emotional connection to her, because I’ve never felt like this ever.
I remember that my wife gave me a hall pass 5 years ago when she cheated on me. Would I be the AH to use that hall pass to explore the emotional connection I have with Melissa?
Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some top responses:
PolygonMan: It'll end your marriage, but yeah you should probably go tell your wife you want to use your hallpass. Because the marriage has obviously never recovered and you've obviously found someone who is a better match for you.
Even better, just go tell your wife you want a divorce and that no matter how hard you tried you could never truly get fully past the cheating. That it's best if you separate so you can both find a relationship that isn't broken. All of that would be the truth.
Then you can go to Melissa and say, "I've begun divorce proceedings with my wife. If you want to explore what we have together I would want to do that, but only if you divorce your husband.
We can ensure that neither of us are cheaters, and we owe it to ourselves to make that the case. Even if you don't divorce, I'm still divorcing my wife, but I won't be waiting around. I've wasted too much time already.
I hope you'll find the courage to take a leap of faith with me, understanding that there's no guarantee it will work out. I truly believe that we have a special connection, something I haven't ever felt with someone else in my life. I would be very sad to lose it."
Sl0th_luvr: A hall pass is for a one night stand with someone you’re attracted to. But that’s it. A hall pass is NOT to deepen an emotional connection you have with someone by adding se% into the mix.
I would just tell your wife you want a divorce because chances are your wife will ask you for one when you tell her about Melissa. She’s definitely going to find out that this is someone you’re already in love with.
Just be honest and say that you never really forgave/forgot the affair and that you want a divorce.
Because chances are, if you do use your hall pass with Melissa, you’ll probably want to end things with your wife, since you and Melissa already have feelings for each other. She doesn’t seem like someone you want to just use for se% and never see again. You know, like how hall passes usually work.
And honestly it’s clear to see that you never really got over your wife’s affair, or you wouldn’t be holding onto the idea being able to cash in a hall pass five years later.
Not that you or anyone needs to get over an affair by any means. I just mean that you didn’t truly forgive her, or you wouldn’t feel the need to do the same to her. Even if she said you could because deep down, I’m sure she didn’t really mean that. No one is truly ok with giving their partner a pass to sleep with whoever they want.
dawgpoundma: Dude you may not be having a physical affair in your eyes with Melissa but you are already cheating on your wife by an emotional affair. I think you are cheating holding hands and hugging her cause you aren’t doing that as friends but intimate contact. It’s obvious you haven’t forgiven your wife at this point kindest thing is divorce and let you both live your own life
authentic writes:
I think that might honestly hurt more. It’s a deeper betrayal. In the relationships you commit to for the long hall, you know the truth in the physical is temporary. Your face, your hair, your physique, your style; everything changes.
The connection is special because it goes far below the surface. A physical affair hurts, but its surface level, its lustful and simple. To WANT to spend time away from your spouse/SO and CHILDREN to dedicate time deepening a romantic connection with another person, in secret, is next level.
With that said, studies show men and women have opposite instinctive reactions when it comes to the type of affair. Men have a harder time forgiving a physical affair, and women have a more difficult time moving on from an emotional affair.
The first question from a man is often “did you f him?”; while women are more likely to ask “did you love her?”.
OP I think you love your wife, but I didn’t hear you say you also got therapy to process how her infidelity hurt you. What I heard was that you’ve carried resentment for her all these years, pulling up the memory often enough to keep the sting of it just below the surface. Forgiveness does not ask to use a 5 year old hall pass.
slloipt writes:
A hall pass is for a one night stand with someone you’re attracted to. But that’s it. A hall pass is NOT to deepen an emotional connection you have with someone by adding se% into the mix.
I would just tell your wife you want a divorce because chances are your wife will ask you for one when you tell her about Melissa. She’s definitely going to find out that this is someone you’re already in love with.
Just be honest and say that you never really forgave/forgot the affair and that you want a divorce.
Because chances are, if you do use your hall pass with Melissa, you’ll probably want to end things with your wife, since you and Melissa already have feelings for each other. She doesn’t seem like someone you want to just use for se% and never see again. You know, like how hall passes usually work.
And honestly it’s clear to see that you never really got over your wife’s affair**, or you wouldn’t be holding onto the idea being able to cash in a hall pass five years later.
**Not that you or anyone needs to get over an affair by any means. I just mean that you didn’t truly forgive her, or you wouldn’t feel the need to do the same to her. Even if she said you could because deep down, I’m sure she didn’t really mean that. No one is truly ok with giving their partner a pass to sleep with whoever they want.
griets6 writes:
A hall pass is typically for a transitory, no emotions engaged, physical interaction. You have established an emotional connection far beyond that. Remember how you felt when your wife indulged in a primarily se%ual affair for a month? Magnify that times 100.
If you still haven’t got over the affair, I understand. I don’t support you because you chose to live a lie after the fact, but I understand.
Now, you’re contemplating emotionally devastating two women. One, for the hurt she caused; the other as your “just due” for having been hurt. Maybe you can mentally justify returning old hurt to your wife. But what has Melissa done to merit being treated as a pass?
ETA: To everyone saying “Melissa isn’t innocent.” You are right. My comment was from the position of having been the other woman. I did NOT pursue, it started out as a friendship where he used me as a shoulder to cry on and a sounding board for how to de-escalate arguments with his partner.
His descriptions of the fights made her sound unhinged. I caught feelings for someone who seemed to be a vulnerable guy struggling to make his relationship work but I suppressed them as strongly as I could and outwardly maintained a platonic attitude.
Until the time he noticed I was shaking with nerves around him and asked why. My eternally stupid self confessed I’d developed feelings and hated to see him cry over what she was putting him through. Shortly thereafter, they broke up.
A month or so later, we started dating. We got married after a year, and it was only as time passed I realized that his ex had never been the shrewish harpy he described. was the argument instigator, he was the escalator.
If it can be said that a near 30-year old can be groomed… I was groomed to be his next victim. All this to say, I’m probably over-relating to Melissa.
cratm writes:
Waiting five years after she’s done all this work (clearly invested on her part in saving this marriage, otherwise she wouldn’t do it, going so far as to quit her job), and THEN saying to yourself “maybe now is the right time to cheat!” And this is cheating; you’re having an emotional affair (also this nonsense about holding hands and hugging!) Bro, come on. Don’t lie to us or yourself.
And what you’re describing is not having a one time fling. A hall pass to me is a pass to f someone no strings attached and go back to your life; what you’re looking for is to literally explore a full on relationship with this woman (who is actively cheating on her husband). I agree with other commenters.
I argue Melissa and you OP are the AH’s now, not your wife. Honestly, what would possess you to think this is a great idea? Do you honestly expect your wife (who has been apparently going to every length to help repair this marriage for FIVE years), is gonna happily go “oh yeah sure baby! Go cheat on me with ✨Melissa✨ and I’ll just go f myself and watch all that hard work go down the drain.)
Like honestly. Do you have any idea how defeated she will feel? How hurt? I’m not excusing her cheating in the past, but the past is five years ago and she has clearly done her best to make amends, and you made it seem like you wanted to stay in that marriage with her.
Out of the blue coming to her and asking for that hall pass now is like a slap to the face, and you should already be preparing to sit down and fess up to her that you’ve been emotionally cheating on her, and holding hands and hugging another woman. You’re cheating. So like, bro.
Point is OP, if you have any desire to stay married to your wife and keep your family together, steer clear of Melissa. If you want to make sure you guys end up divorced and broken after your wife has spent the last five years doing massive work to repair it, then go right ahead. In the end you will have been the one to wreck the marriage at this point, not your wife.
Update:
Thank you everyone for the advice. I have decided not to use the hallpass as I don’t really feel too great about it, and it wouldn't be fair to my wife.
I want to clarify what I meant by using the hallpass. I had no intentions of proceeding with any se%ual activity but instead deepening my emotional connection with Melissa, and may have at worst included kissing (she tried to kiss me once but I rejected it because I felt guilty about it).
I texted Melissa and let her know, and while she was disappointed, she asked if we could still remain friends like we are now and I told her sure, and she was very happy about it. I do like hanging out with Melissa a lot and talking about life, I also get that flutters and excited energy, and I like that a lot.
Commenters continued to weigh in on OP's decision:
afreerideeveryday: So....you have decided to have an affair
LazyInstruction9688: You can’t remain “friends like you are now”…. Wow