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'AITA for wanting to divorce my wife because she caused me to go to the ER?' UPDATED

'AITA for wanting to divorce my wife because she caused me to go to the ER?' UPDATED

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"AITA for wanting to divorce my wife because she caused me to go to the ER?"

Bit long, sorry in advance. I now see how easy it is when writing down your thoughts. As I always wondered why people wrote so much. So my wife (45f) and I (50m) have been married for almost 20 yrs. We have a 16 yr old daughter, and life has been pretty good.

We've had our ups and downs like any marriage. But we worked together through it. We have even done MC a couple of times to get ourselves on the right track. (Mostly IRL stuff and feeling like roommates).

When it comes to household chores. I've always cleaned the house, as I'm a bit OCD with cleaning due to growing up in a house with roaches as a kid.

She takes care of the laundry, and we split making dinners on days I'm off as I work 12 hours a day, 4 days a week. Kiddo takes care of the dishes.

So here in lies the issue. The wife is going through perimenopause. She's been super emotional and a bit unlike herself for the last 6 months or so. She is taking meds to help even out her hormones, but it's taking time.

One day, she is overly nice, the next day complaining about every little thing and getting all bent out of shape.

So yesterday morning was one of her bad days. I forgot to set up the coffee pot to make coffee in the morning. When I went down, she was all bent out of shape over it. I tried my normal tactic of apologizing, as I had a migraine and went to bed early and just forgot.

Told her I would make coffee in a bit as I just woke up and needed a little bit to get the morning fog out of my head. Typical thing for me in the morning.

She didn't like this answer, so as I went to sit on the couch, she threw her coffee cup at me. Causing it to smash into my head, breaking and splitting my head open.

At first, I was pissed that she actually threw something at me like WTF, but then felt liquid (blood obviously as I couldn't see it) going down my neck. I put my hand on it, pulled it back, thinking it was coffee, then saw the blood. I was bleeding everywhere, horror movie style.

Of course, at the sight of this, my wife all the sudden freaked out. My wife screamed at my daughter to get a towel. All the while apologizing to me and crying, stating she was sorry.

We headed to the ER and had our daughter drive as wife couldn't as she was a hot mess. Luckily, it wasn't so deep that it needed stitches, and they used that glue stuff.

The thing is, I had a rough childhood/home life. I was physically hurt by my mom all the way up until I left at 18. My wife knows this, and when she did what she did, it brought back all those memories so long ago forgotten.

I love my wife, but I swore to myself that I would never be in a place where I'd be this happened ever again. And now I don't know know if I would be the AH if I file for divorce because of this.

I know her hormones are partially to blame, but also know she's an adult and responsible for her actions. I guess I'm just looking for advice wondering if AITA if I decide to leave. Maybe I just needed to vent a little, too.

Let's take a look at some of the top responses:

celticmess writes:

Is your wife unable to make coffee? (Serious question, is she somehow disabled which would explain not making the coffee herself?)

You need to sit her down and have a very serious conversation about domestic violence, the criminal consequences of physical assault, and your boundaries. I've known dozens of women who struggled with perimenopause and not one of them assaulted someone.

Be clear to her that, while you do love her, that can't ever happen again under any circumstances-- that if it were to happen again you would immediately file for divorce.

It sounds like she needs some mental health intervention and the specter of divorce could be the wake up call she needs.

excellentcliet7 writes:

NTA. She physically assaulted you and caused you to go to the ER. I'm a women and have hormones and this isn't acceptable. I would suggest taking her to the doctor asap and getting yourself and your daughter a safe place to go.

I would never tell someone to stay with someone who put them in the ER so it's up to you whether this is divorce worthy in your eyes or maybe take some time apart while she gets herself under control. There is never a justifiable reason for throwing your coffee and coffee cup at someone.

irowells writes:

Hormones really can make you feel like someone you aren't. To me the most important question is - do these rages ever happen to anyone but you?

Because if you are the only one she ever blows up at, if she never destroys her stuff but only yours, if somehow your daughter is spared the brunt of the "hormones" and you get it all, if she doesn't randomly explode on coworkers or her boss or her friends...then it's not just hormones, and she is in control of herself even as she claims she isn't.

NTA no matter what you decide. Even if it IS hormones, you are NTA for deciding that staying is a risk to your own physical and mental health, and that it's not a risk you're willing to accept.

illustriouspain8 writes:

honestly her perimenopause is no excuse for her to be violent enough to throw something that can actually kill you. and she did and it actually injured you.

men get jail time for pulling s^%$ like this. iv seen ways too many women using their periods and menopause as an excuse.

too many to count. iv actually argued a legal case where the woman actually hit her husband in the head with a rolling pin because she was having pain from period cramps. the guy ended up with a concussion and a week long stay in the hospital.

the wife was besides herself with grief over what she did but the minute the guy was out of the hospital, he went straight to the cops and filed a complaint against her for assault.

so, you may love her. you may have a daughter with her but shes clearly capable of doing worse. my simple suggestion would be to separate yourself and your daughter from her and then take a call on whether you want to proceed with divorce or not.

Later OP came back with this update:

First I want to thank everyone for you responses. When I first posted I thought I would get just a few replies. Obviously I got way more than a few and was just overwhelmed by the shear volume of comments. So never replied but I did my best to read them all, however working 12 hour days doesn't leave me much free time.

So before the update, figured I'd answer some questions that everyone asked.

My daughter and I are safe. So thank you again for your worries and concerns.

My wife has never had anger issues or thrown stuff ever. Not to say she hasn't yelled or lost her temper (normal when we've had arguments, as we all do)

However she does have depression and anxiety and takes meds for those as well.

Sorry if my post made it seem like I was making excuses for her. I was and am not. She's an adult and responsible for her actions.

Also some people mentioned I gave pointless info in the first few paragraphs. I figured it was best to point out that her actions wasn't due to me be being a lazy husband.

Ok onto the bit long Update:

So after posting here, I took some time to cool off as I clearly was still mad about the situation. I took my daughter and we went for a drive. We talked about this issue and asked her how she felt.

Much like most of the responses here, we agreed that it would be a good idea to leave the house for a bit, until her mom/my wife's mental issues have been resolved/meds adjusted. We headed back home and I asked my wife to come down so we could have a family meeting. As she'd been hiding in our bedroom since we came home from the hospital.

She came down and clearly feels awful, looked like she hadn't stopped crying since the incident. We both hugged her and told her we loved her but we needed to talk.

I told her for at least this week and maybe next week, we were going to stay at my sister's place. She could stay in the house as she works from home and can't go into the office. She started to cry again, so waited for her to compose herself and finished.

I let her know what she did wasn't OK. I reminded her of my childhood and that although this was outside of her normal behavior, it has caused a rift in our marriage. But I was willing to give her this 1 time pass.

However she Has to go see her doctor like yesterday. Tell her everything that happened. Everything she was feeling, not to sugar coat anything so that her doctor can get her the right meds so that this never happens again.

As many of you mentioned, it would be dumb of me to throw away 20yrs for a one time f^%$ up. (When I posted I was still pretty pissed) Although it was a huge f%$# up, I think it's something we can work through.

I told her that we need to setup an appointment with a MC again. That this is gonna take work on both our parts to move forward.

I also told her that if she ever did anything like that again. I would file for divorce and take our daughter with me. That her and my safety was my number one priority.

She apologized several times during the talk. She tried telling us that she's all messed up with with her hormones and the meds and she didn't mean too. That when she threw it, it was like as soon as it left her hands she knew she f^%$# up.

I let her know that we understand she's going through a lot. But that her hormonal issues are never an excuse for acting out and intentionally throwing stuff at me. That she's an adult and she's responsible for her own actions. Blaming it on hormones or meds or other bs wasn't gonna cut it. (I did get a bit heated at this point).

She at least acknowledged this and apologized again.

So this is were we are at this point. We are at my sister's place now as I write this. Sorry again for the stupidly long post.

Again, thank you all you internet strangers for taking the time to read and comment. It allowed me to vent and also get some clarity.

Sources: Reddit
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