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OCD husband wants to divorce Perimenopausal wife after she 'splits his head open.' AITA? UPDATED.

OCD husband wants to divorce Perimenopausal wife after she 'splits his head open.' AITA? UPDATED.


When this man is furious with his wife and wants to leave her immediately, he asks Reddit:

"AITAH (50m) for wanting to divorce my wife (45f) because she caused me to go to the ER?"

Bit long, sorry in advance. I now see how easy it is when writing down your thoughts. As I always wondered why people wrote so much. So my wife (45f) and I (50m) have been married for almost 20 yrs. We have a 16 yr old daughter, and life has been pretty good.

We've had our ups and downs like any marriage. But we worked together through it. We have even done MC a couple of times to get ourselves on the right track. (Mostly IRL stuff and feeling like roomates).

When it comes to household chores. I've always cleaned the house, as I'm a bit OCD with cleaning due to growing up in a house with roaches as a kid.

She takes care of the laundry, and we split making dinners on days I'm off as I work 12 hours a day, 4 days a week. Kiddo takes care of the dishes.

So here in lies the issue. The wife is going through perimenopause. She's been super emotional and a bit unlike herself for the last 6 months or so. She is taking meds to help even out her hormones, but it's taking time.

One day, she is overly nice, the next day complaining about every little thing and getting all bent out of shape.

So yesterday morning was one of her bad days. I forgot to set up the coffee pot to make coffee in the morning. When I went down, she was all bent out of shape over it. I tried my normal tactic of apologizing, as I had a migraine and went to bed early and just forgot.

Told her I would make coffee in a bit as I just woke up and needed a little bit to get the morning fog out of my head. Typical thing for me in the morning.

She didn't like this answer, so as I went to sit on the couch, she threw her coffee cup at me. Causing it to smash into my head, breaking and splitting my head open.

At first, I was pissed that she actually threw something at me like WTF, but then felt liquid (blood obviously as I couldn't see it) going down my neck. I put my hand on it, pulled it back, thinking it was coffee, then saw the blood. I was bleeding everywehre, horror movie style.

Of course, at the sight of this, my wife all the sudden freaked out. My wife screamed at my daughter to get a towel. All the while apologizing to me and crying, stating she was sorry.

We headed to the ER and had our daughter drive as wife couldn't as she was a hot mess. Luckily, it wasn't so deep that it needed stitches, and they used that glue stuff.

The thing is, I had a rough childhood/home life. I was physically abused by my mom all the way up until I left at 18. My wife knows this, and when she did what she did, it brought back all those memories so long ago forgotten.

I love my wife, but I swore to myself that I would never be in a place where I'd be abused ever again. And now I don't know know if I would be the AH if I file for divorce because of this.

I know her hormones are partially to blame, but also know she's an adult and responsible for her actions. I guess I'm just looking for advice wondering if AITAH if I decide to leave. Maybe I just needed to vent a little, too.

Let's take a look at some of the top responses:

celticmess writes:

Is your wife unable to make coffee? (Serious question, is she somehow disabled which would explain not making the coffee herself?)

You need to sit her down and have a very serious conversation about domestic violence, the criminal consequences of physical assault, and your boundaries. I've known dozens of women who struggled with perimenopause and not one of them assaulted someone.

Be clear to her that, while you do love her, that can't ever happen again under any circumstances-- that if it were to happen again you would immediately file for divorce.

It sounds like she needs some mental health intervention and the spectre of divorce could be the wake up call she needs.

immediatefinger writes:

WHOA. Wtf. NTA dude. I’m premenopausal and it’s hell, I mean genuine hell. I’m paranoid, I hear things, I sweat all the time, I can’t sleep.

I’m insanely angry constantly and my fuse is short and lit. And I would NEVER ever be physical in any way let alone throwing a coffee cup.

That’s straight out abusive behaviour and hormones, even insane ones, are not an excuse. It doesn’t matter if you had a horrible childhood or an ideal one. Your trauma does not make you any less or more deserving of physical assault.

If she’s assaulting you she’s lost her fg mind. And even mental illness does not mean you have to tolerate an assault. She needs to see a doctor immediately. If she can’t restrain herself from getting physical she has lost her ability to control herself.

excellentcliet7 writes:

NTA. She physically assaulted you and caused you to go to the ER. I'm a women and have hormones and this isn't acceptable. I would suggest taking her to the doctor asap and getting yourself and your daughter a safe place to go.

I would never tell someone to stay with someone who put them in the ER so it's up to you whether this is divorce worthy in your eyes or maybe take some time apart while she gets herself under control. There is never a justifiable reason for throwing your coffee and coffee cup at someone.

keegums writes:

Absolutely not. Tell her to leave indefinitely, if she won't then separate. She needs serious help. If she doesn't see that then divorce asap. If she leaves without issue and spends time doing everything to get better, it might save the marriage. But it might not if your trust is completely gone.

She needs to separate and get her ass to multiple Drs immediately for the psychiatric emergency of harming others, for her own sake.

This is necessary even if the marriage cannot be saved. If she doesn't go willingly then it may be a lost cause by default.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Nobody expects this after a couple decades of marriage. It must have been so frightening and I hope you heal up quick and can live in safety. How is your daughter handling it?

irowells writes:

Hormones really can make you feel like someone you aren't. To me the most important question is - do these rages ever happen to anyone but you?

Because if you are the only one she ever blows up at, if she never destroys her stuff but only yours, if somehow your daughter is spared the brunt of the "hormones" and you get it all, if she doesn't randomly explode on coworkers or her boss or her friends...then it's not just hormones, and she is in control of herself even as she claims she isn't.

NTA no matter what you decide. Even if it IS hormones, you are NTA for deciding that staying is a risk to your own physical and mental health, and that it's not a risk you're willing to accept.

weardreamer writes:

How about a separation to start? Ask her to move out, or move out yourself, whichever makes more sense for you both.

That said, a very big NTA, and I’m so sorry that it happened.

Edit: After I gave birth, I had intense feelings of rage towards my husband that often needed a physical expression. I threw pillows at the sofa and stuffed toys at the floor, WHEN I WAS ALONE.

I also once overturned an empty play yard when I was by myself and there was nobody else at home. That is to say, even though I was hormonal and blind with range, I still had enough control and sense of self to not throw breakable things, and not subject my loved ones to my outbursts as they happened.

I also got myself into anger management therapy and sought help for my issues. I think what she does in response to will be important information for you to consider when deciding what to do. Nevertheless, physically separating yourself from her while she does whatever she needs to do to overcome this is more than fair in my opinion.

illustriouspain8 writes:

honestly her purimenopause is no excuse for her to be violent enough to throw something that can actually kill you. and she did and it actually injured you.

men get jail time for pulling shit like this. iv seen ways too many women using their periods and menopause as an excuse to become abusive and violent.

too many to count. iv actually argued a legal case where the woman actually hit her husband in the head with a rolling pin because she was having pain from period cramps. the guy ended up with a concussion and a week long stay in the hospital.

the wife was besides herself with grief over what she did but the minute the guy was out of the hospital, he went straight to the cops and filed a complaint against her for assault.

so, you may love her. you may have a daughter with her but shes clearly capable of doing worse. my simple suggestion would be to separate yourself and your daughter from her and then take a call on whether you want to proceed with divorce or not.

Looks like OP is NTA here. Any advice for him?

Sources: Reddit
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