Man wants to leave wife over her weight, 'Hear me out, I'm not an AH.' AITA? UPDATED
When this man swears he wants the best for his wife, he asks the internet:
"I’m considering leaving my wife because of her weight. AITA?"
Alright before I get called an asshole let me explain. I love my wife, I think she’s incredibly beautiful and even more so after she gave birth to our son 3 years ago.
The problem is that she put on a good amount of baby weight (Obviously) and never lost it. She instead started to gain more weight and was overall pretty depressed.
I initially assumed it was PPD and suggested she go to therapy for it. She went to therapy and got some anti-depressants, it took her a while find the right ones, and she’s been fine mentally since she found them.
Physically is a different story however. She has continued over the past 3 years to gain weight. The problem isn’t anymore that i’m not attracted to her, But she will die if she continues to gain weight. She is currently 5’2 about 260 pounds with a BMI close to 50.
I don’t know what I can do, I feel like i’ve tried everything. I’ve asked her to go to the gym with me, go on a diet with me, Not buy fast food, have some active hobbies. She’s turned down every single one of these ideas.
I feel like I don’t have any choice but to give her an ultimatum. Either she genuinely tries to lose the weight or I leave. I can’t watch the women I love and mother of my child slowly kill herself.
I don’t want to be the dude who gives an ultimatum, but I see no other choice. I guess I just wanted to ask if i’m being an asshole or if theres any other way I could go about this.
For everyone in the comments telling me you can be overweight and healthy, your right. But No, you can not be Obese and healthy, at least not long term. Heart disease runs in my wife’s family and while your weight might not effect you, being overweight is directly linked to heart disease.
I understand weight loss isn’t easy, I used to be overweight, but my concern isn’t that’s she not the same way she looked when we got together, It’s that she may not live to see our son become a teenager.
Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
albea6 writes:
Before you give her an ultimatum, can I make one final suggestion? Maybe you've already tried this, but if not, I think having one last conversation with her may give you important information.
I’ve asked her to go to the gym with me, go on a diet with me, Not buy fast food, have some active hobbies. She’s turned down every single one of these ideas.
Have you asked her if she wants to lose the weight? Because that's the key factor here. If she says no, she doesn't want to lose it, then you can go ahead and skip the ultimatum because you know the answer already.
But if she says she does want to lose the weight, then your next step at this point is to ask probing question and shut up and listen to the answers. Questions like, 'What do you think is the biggest thing holding you back?' questions like, 'How do you feel about yourself these days?', questions like, 'Are you happy?'
You should be asking a lot of questions. If she can't answer, you should be gently prompting her to take a few minutes to think and then try to answer again. You should be hearing her answers without judgement.
(externally, at least. internally you may have strong feelings about what she has to say, but if you display judgemental, shaming, defensive, or otherwise negative responses to her honesty - that will be the end of honesty. she needs to feel safe to be honest with you about an extremely vulnerable topic or else you may as well not even bother).
This is information gathering. This is not the place for you to talk about your feelings about her weight, her body, her choices or lifestyle. (You WILL get a chance to talk, though! I promise. It's just not this conversation). This is the place for you to listen deeply, as compassionately as possible, to her feelings, needs, and wants.
This conversation needs a babysitter, and time. Set aside a few hours, make sure you're in a distraction-free place.
Once you feel you've heard everything, then take some time yourself to consider the answers. Is this salvageable? Do you WANT to salvage it? Does she?
I think you'll find you don't need an ultimatum at that point. You'll either know if things can be saved, or if they can't.
anp327 writes:
Idk if you’ll even get to see this comment because there are so many. But, I am/have been your wife in this situation. My boyfriend (now fiancé) sat down with me and had a very genuine conversation with me about my health and weight.
He expressed to me how much he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me and that he wanted it to be a long life. He explained that he did not care what I looked like at all. He said this with tears in his eye, he told me I was his soulmate.
I believed him, and have since taken the steps I needed to to start getting healthier. This was a conversation that was difficult to hear and have, but because of how he went about it it wasn’t hurtful.
instantmess8 writes:
My first thought is: Just because your wife is on anti-depressants and isn't showing any signs of distress to you, doesn't mean she's "better". Have you had a sit down with her, on a vulnerable level and asked how she was doing or are you just assuming she's okay?
Weight gain, not finding any activities exciting, no motivation, lack of energy are all very common signs of depression. While meds can help ease these symptoms, depression itself does not just disappear...
If these are her issues then I understand her 100%. I'll give you a little background into my issues to form maybe another perspective of what she might be dealing with: I've been in a similar situation as your wife after losing a loved one. The weight pilled on, I had no motivation, I hated myself.
To the rest of my family and friends I was "fine" because I didn't have the emotional energy to have to explain to everyone that no, I was not fine. In fact my world was crumbling around me and I didn't view myself as worthy of saving if that makes sense. I was on strong meds during this whole thing yet I was still miserable.
I ended up getting to be around 265lbs (I'm almost 5'6) and it was my bf who sat me down and told me that he was worried about me.
My weight never came up, he never attacked me about my weight at all. Instead what he said was similar to "I can't help but have a negging sense in the back of my mind you're not as okay as you say you are. I love you and I'm worried but I'm here to help".
There was much self reflection after that and I started to put things to help myself in place. Instead of instantly going to the "I must lose weight" I had to take therapy to first love and accept myself.
Once I was able to do that, I was able to appreciate my body and then started making small changes to my life that would promote weight loss. And it wasn't an easy or short journey lemme tell you!
Now, I am not saying that your wife is dealing what I dealt with, but it is another view to consider. You also haven't mentioned but are you the only one who doesn't like her weight gain? Does she enjoy the way she looks and that's why she hasn't done anything to lose the weight?
Anyways, at the end of the day: this is your wife and the mother of your child. You have a right to be frustrated and considering alternative options but if I was in a similar situation, I wouldn't give the ultimatum quite yet.
If it does turn out that she wants to lose the weight but isn't interested in your methods of weight loss, then find something she enjoys (dancing, walking, cooking better meals, etc).
If it does turn out to be a thing involving mental health, more therapy would be the best starting point and a lot of reassurance and help to get her on track. If she enjoys her look and doesn't want to lose weight, well, you can't force her to lose it. By that point yes, I'd move on.
jennim1994 writes:
Losing weight is hard and slow. If she wants to lose the weight she needs to fidure out what works for her. I personally had lots of success with the 5/2 diet where I eat under 800cal 2/3 times a week and normal the rest.
It worked for me because it was easier to restrict severely a couple times a week then be constantly dieting. For someone who struggles sticking to a diet (like me) I found this better as I only had to diet certain day.
But care should be taken not to massively overeat on off days so you still remain a deficit. Talk to your wife. Figure out what she wants and if she wants to lose the weight be prepared for it to be a long hard process.
I don't recommend extreme diets or anything that will be unsustainable and lead to 'giving up' work with her to find a healthy balance, even finding ways to make your favourite foods with low fat ingredients.
Making small changes. It helps! Use less oil abd butter cooking. Use low fat versions of food. Use smaller plates. Add healthy snacks. Cut out empty calories fro. Fruit juices and drinks.
All these small changes can make a big difference down the line. But ultimately if she doesn't want to make these changes your not an asshole at all. Attraction abd health is important.
And now, OP'S UPDATE:
So I made a post about 5 months ago because I was getting pass the point of no return with my wife’s weight. Now Expectedly I got called an asshole and a dickhead and every other name under the book for evening mentioning it.
But I also got some real good feedback and decided before I made any real decision I would sit her down and let her know how I was truly feeling. Because at that point we had, had multiple conversations addressing it but none of them lead anywhere.
So after we put my son to sleep I asked my wife If we could talk for a moment in the kitchen. Now i’m not gonna lie the conversation was probably the hardest one i’ve ever had.
Because despite what everyone believed I do love my wife. Now I don’t want to get into every detail but the basis of the conversation was that I needed her to at least try and be healthier.
I also think she needed to hear how serious I was about this and when I told her I was even thinking about separating I think it really put the nail in the coffin.
It’s been about 5 months since then and i’m proud to say my wife has lost 35 fg lbs. I am so proud of her it’s fg ridiculous. The first month was a fg hurdle and a half but now she’s going steady and losing weight at a healthy moderate rate.
Recently she even started to exercise with me. In the morning I usually jog, but since her knees are somewhat shot 3 days a week we go walk a mile or two, together and either talk or just listen to music together. I know it sounds corny to say but she even seems happier and her confidence is coming back as well.
Well this was my little update and I wanted to finish it with thanking anyone who actually gave me advice on my first post.