Man warns fiancé; 'You need to change your wedding dress; we both know it's CURSED.' AITA? 2 MAJOR UPDATES
When this man begs his fiance to change her wedding dress due to its backstory, he asks the internet:
"WIBTAH if I ask my fiancé to change her wedding dress?"
The dress itself is very beautiful but there is a backstory. My fiancé (30F) was engaged 5 years ago and was about to get married to her soon to be husband at that time. But that guy eloped with one of the bridesmaid.
The wedding was cancelled. She didn't get to walk down the aisle. 2 years after that she met me (31M) and we started dating. Now, I love her a lot. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I understand what she went through because I was cheated on as well.
We are planning a wedding. I know we are not supposed to see the wedding dress and what not so I didn't ask which dress she will be wearing. I got to know from one of the bridesmaid that she will be wearing the same wedding dress she bought 6 years ago.
I don't know if I am being unreasonable or not. But I don't think I will be comfortable seeing her in a dress that was intended for her first wedding. It feels like she is clinging onto the past wedding. I talked to her. I asked her why she wants to use an old dress and not buy a new one.
She told me this is her dream wedding dress. She made this dress just for her wedding. She hired professionals to do it. It was hand stitched. In my mind, it's still a cursed dress. She made the design way before she even met her ex.
She doesn't want such a beautiful dress to go waste. I did tell her if she thinks it is inappropriate considering her first wedding did not happen. She told me she doesn't want another dress. And she doesn't see it that way.
She only sees her dream wedding dress. To her, it is a perfect dress for a perfect day. And the dress is only for her and not for the groom. She also doesn't want to spend so much money on making another dress. I dropped the matter.
Look, I have been engaged before, when my ex gave me back her ring, I sold it. I bought a new one to propose my now fiancé. So isn't it fair for me to ask her to buy a new dress rather than an old one that was meant for her first wedding?
I haven't asked her anything. I am willing to pay more if she wants another dress. I don't want to hurt her feelings. I want her to be comfortable with her choice. But I feel like this is something we both have a say in. So aitah?
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
So, I would agree with you if this dress was specifically for that wedding. However, as described she's dreamed about this dress way before that wedding was even there. So in her dream wedding this is THE DRESS.
That just was not THE DAY. I think if you take a step back to see it from her point of view, the dress itself is sentimental for reasons beyond the first wedding. This dress wasn't made with that husband in mind, but with her and what she dreams and wants.
I would agree if you proposed with the same ring from you ex fiance it would be tacky. However, say that ring was your mother's or grandmother's and had much more significant value than the person wearing it.
I feel like once you realized you made a mistake on the person you were going to use such a sentimental item on, you'd stow it away and make a much better choice when you did finally use that ring.
Edited for spelling and forgotten words. ADHD brain. Also not necessarily an AH but I feel like you could understand each other better.
OP replies:
Ok, I see your point. The dress to her is basically something she wants to hold onto like an ancestral piece. Is that right?
cramy77 writes:
Since the dress was not made for that wedding and was designed before they got engaged I think your making a big deal about it. The dress has sentimentality value for her not the relationship itself. I think you are reading way to much into it.
The difference between the engagement ring and the dress. The engagement ring was bought with your ex in mind. The dress was made with your fiancé in find not her ex.
OP replies:
Ok I should be more clear. She made the design of the dress on a paper when she was in college. The dress was made after her ex proposed to her. That's when she dug out her old designing book and gave it to seamstresses to make it.
samee writes:
YTA. Look. She fully intended on using her vagina with that dude for the rest of her life, and you didn't expect her to replace that, did you?
It's a dress that she intended to wear at her wedding. She didn't wear it at her wedding, because she didn't get married.
haui writes:
If she ever dies? Buddy have I got news for her
OP replies:
This is some weird tradition that brides should be buried with their wedding dress on. I wanna go out like the way I came into this world. Completely naked lmao.
ploy77 writes:
She's not having a wedding because she loves you. She's have a wedding so she can wear this "dress" and be the center of attention.
You are just a prop. If this was really about the 2 of you uniting she wouldn't care what she was wearing. Starting to see why the other guy bailed. Hopefully she doesn't make the divorce all about her but, with the way she is acting, get ready.
OP replies:
I don't think that. I already talked to her about it and sorted things out. I am wearing something too that symbolizes me at my wedding.
It is a watch that I bought after I saved money. I wouldn't have forced her to wear something that she doesn't feel comfortable with. You are perhaps reading into it too much.
And I think it is insensitive to poke fun at people who went through a tragedy and was betrayed by both her friend and lover. It is her wedding too. She deserves to be the center of attention along with her groom. Nobody wants to look like an owl on their special day.
brgrl writes:
In my experience no woman buys a dress with her groom in mind. We buy it with ourselves and OUR dreams in mind. Sometimes we have a dress in mind since childhood.
In your fiancée’s case is even more about her, she designed the dress for herself when a wedding was not even an idea.
It’s not about the ex, it’s not about that relationship, and it’s not about you. It’s about her and her dreams. Don’t rob her of that, she’ll never forget or forgive you for it. YTA.
sopinoin76 writes:
YTA I dont think you get it this is not a store dress where you can go and find another and its also not a dress she picked out for her first wedding. This is THE DRESS she wanted before her ex and you.
This is the dress where she said "when I get married this will be the dress I will wear" and she didnt even know who she was going to marry. This is her Dream dress not her first wedding dress. The ring was just a ring its wasnt made as something you have in mind before you even found someone.
Let me use an example lets say your dream is to go to build a house but you started building when you where with your ex (at the time your gf) you break up and now you are with another girl and the house is finished, you arent going to sell your dream house cause its your DREAM house something you wanted wayyyy before theses relationships but you wanted to start a family in this house.
You gf say sell the house cause you planned a family with the ex in the house. I dont know if this was a good example but I think you can understand what I mean.
slixard6 writes:
I’m going to start with NAH. I see where you are coming from; it can be hard to have a reminder of a previous relationship on your wedding day. I think that’s understandable.
However, your fiancé clearly does not see it that way. She seems to have had this dress in mind before the first engagement, so to her it’s just a beautiful dress she’s been thinking about for a long time.
You’re not trying to see things from her perspective. You’re only justifying your own feelings. She’s not trying to understand how you feel either. Y’all need a real heart to heart about this. Maybe you just want her to tell you she understands how you feel, which is kind of what this sounds like to me.
In the end, it’s just a dress. It will be worn for a single day, unlike a ring which will be worn for years. It sounds like she is dead set on wearing the dress. Is this really the hill you want to die on?
c876 writes:
She made the design before she ever met anyone. She didn't design the dress for THAT wedding. She designed the dress for when the time comes to get married. This is her dream dress. You chose the last engagement ring for the last fiance, that's why you sold it.
She designed the dress before she met anyone. This wasn't the dress she wanted to get married in to the last guy. This is the dress she dreamed of getting married in. Period. It would be different if she was divorced and getting married in the same dress as her first marriage's wedding. But she never got to wear her dream dress.
Please reread your post again, her explanation makes complete sense and you heard what she said, you're just not listening.
Your hang up is based on your insecurities. This dress is not attached to her ex, this dress is attached to her... her dreams, and hopes.
She wants to marry YOU. She said yes. She wants to spend her life with YOU. She created the dream dress for one magical day in her life. She is choosing to be with you for life.
The dress has nothing to do with the ex, the dress is her dream. There's no sentimental value of the ex in that dress. The sentimental value in the dress has nothing to do with anyone else but her.
When women get married and are trying on dresses, we aren't thinking about the man at the moment, we just want to know if we feel good and special in the dress we have for a special day.
This is her dream dress. You are her dream guy. This is a match made in heaven for her. But your insecurities are getting in the way.
If she didn't love you, she wouldn't have said yes in the first place. All you are seeing is the ex in her dress and you're forgetting that the dress was there before the ex. You should be seeing the dream of a little girl in the dress.
Another way to think of it is this: what if your fiance's dream had always been to get married in her mom's dress and she didn't get to because the last guy cheated. Would you not let her get married in her mother's wedding dress this time?
Would you see the dress attached to her ex or attached to a dream of getting married in her mother's dress? Does that make sense?
YTA (a soft one, but still one)
bob-1 writes:
Gentle YTA She didn't buy the dress for her ex, she bought it for her for her wedding day. She's not clinging to the past, she's excited to be wearing the dream dress to her wedding to the right guy.
Please please don't make her doubt her decision, if anything tell her you're so excited to see her and the dress and can't wait to see how stunning she looks.
If she goes to find a different dress she will always feel like she got the second best dress and didn't get to look the way she wanted to at her actual wedding. It's nothing to do with her ex.
The ring and the dress are two different things- I'd never have said yes to wearing an ex fiances ring, because it was picked out for her to show her commitment to him. The dress is picked by the bride only for her; though obviously we all hope our husband will love how we look in it.
This is partially coming from experience- I actually bought my dress before I was engaged. I knew it was coming, we were looking at rings, but I was on a budget so I knew I wanted to shop when there were sales on end of season dresses. I didn't wait to get engaged, I bought my dress.
I tried on a bunch, and I did find one that he may have liked better- he's a bit more traditional than I am- but I went with the one that made me feel the best. I knew he'd still love it (he did, because I looked great) but I didn't buy it for him. The wedding was about us, the dress was mostly for me.
Plenty of people asked me what I'd do if things changed and we didn't get married- easy, whoever I ended up marrying in the future would be lucky enough to see me in that dress instead!
Clearly I'm lucky enough that what happened to you and your fiance didn't happen to me and we're happily married 10 years later- but I get where she's coming from. She put even more work into hers, it's special to her and her alone. Remind yourself how lucky you are to be the guy she trusts enough to marry in that dress.
And now, OP's major update:
Ok, I received a lot of feedback. I appreciate it. I thought it would be better to just communicate my thoughts to her rather than demanding her to change the dress. I talked to her today.
I said everything I mentioned in my post about my insecurities and my analogy of the ring. At the end she told me the same thing most of your guys have said. The dress represents her. It is not about the groom.
She designed that dress when she was in college and came across the dresses worn by both her grandmothers. She took inspiration from their dresses and made them into her own.
And my ring and her dress is not the same. At least my ex-fiance got to wear the ring. She never got to wear the dress and she is glad because the dress would have been tainted with bad memories. She wanted that dress to be an heirloom. She wanted to be buried in that dress if she ever dies.
She further told me she was going to make changes for the actual dress anyways because during her first wedding she had made some modifications. Her ex didn't want her to have anything sleeveless so she put sleeves on it.
She is going to remove the sleeves and go back to the original design. She also told me in her original design she wanted a cape. She would take that cape off during the reception giving it an illusion of wearing 2 different dresses.
But she scraped that idea because her ex thought it looks tacky. I told her I am willing to pay the money for the cape, she said she would be thrilled. I am glad I talked to her. I am not going to ask her to change anything about the dress.
She wants to go back to the original design and I am happy with that I talked to her about this. We are rushing our wedding so everything needed to be quick. And buying a new dress would be another pain.
Also a lot of you guys have been asking me to show the design. I do not have the picture of the dress. I only have pinterest links my fiancée gave me as a reference of the cape.
Edit: Since people are confused, she wants to make replica of the dress in future. The replica will be used for the burial and the actual dress she is going to wear would be passed down.
And now, OP's SECOND MAJOR update:
My (31M) MIL is kind of neurotic. My fiancée (30F) has been stressing a lot because of the wedding. We were discussing the guest list and she popped out of nowhere and told us to invite her friend, Jane.
My fiancée doesn't not hate Jane but she has beef with her daughter, Stella. Years ago when my fiancée was about to get married to her ex, Stella eloped with him and it was a betrayal because Stella has been a close friend of hers.
She was one of the bridesmaid. My girl was devastated. I understand her pain because I was once cheated on too. Now her mother wants to invite both Stella and her husband (the pos ex).
My girl and her had aa fight. She told me she is thinking about uninviting her own mother because of this but is afraid she will create a bigger drama.
Her mother thinks she should forgive Stella because if she didn't take her ex away from her, she, my fiancee wouldn't be getting married to me. If she invites Stella then of course her ex would come along as well.
She is not in love with him but she is still cold towards Stella. My fiancee is not handling it well now. We get married in just few months. We haven't planned more than 50% of the things. I am seriously considering uninviting my MIL.