Man warns fiancé; 'If you force me to invite certain people, the WEDDING IS OFF.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

When this man is upset with his wedding guest list, he asks the internet:

"AITAH for telling my fiancé there will be no wedding if she keeps insists on controlling the guest list?"

My dad left the family and went no contact when I (35M) was 4. My mom remarried and had two kids with my stepdad. My stepdad never treated me poorly but always made clear that I was Dale (fake name) to him.

He was not my dad. My mom never tried to fix the relationship and honestly loved her new family and always saw me as a burden.

That’s what I thought at least until it was confirmed after my freshmen year of college when my mom asked me not to come home anymore.

I blocked her after that phone call and have had no contact with her or my stepdad (and half-brother) since then. I do still speak to my half-sister (25F) at her insistence but that’s my only contact.

It took me a long time to deal with basically being kicked out of my family. I grew to be pretty independent and thought I’d live alone until I met my fiance (28F) 4 years ago.

We have had a great relationship and her family opened up and invited me in with open arms. She comes from a pretty typical suburban family and they are great. Over the years I’ve told her about my issues with my family, she has met my sister and she never pushed for more, until we started planning the wedding.

When we started talking about who we would invite I talked about friends from college and co-workers and she kept saying I should invite my parents. At first I thought she was just trying to gauge if I wanted to. I said I would not be inviting my parents.

She said okay but then brought it up again the next day. I calmly explained how much they hurt me, how growing up feeling you were unwanted and then having it confirmed at 19 really stunted my mental health.

That over the years I have realized it’s their problem and if they ever want to solve it then they can initiate but I am in contact with my sister and it is clear they are happy insisting I don’t exist. It sucks but it’s their problem that they have thrust onto me. I can’t be the one to solve it.

I thought it had ended but she has brought it up two more times. The last one was last night, we were about to start the save the dates and she said “are you sure you don’t want to invite you parents? I feel like I might just invite them on my side.”

And I snapped. I told her we should probably just throw the invitations away because if you can’t respect what I’ve been through then I don’t want to marry you. I then went to our bedroom and fumed for awhile.

She came in to try to talk to me and I walked out, grabbed my keys and left. I came back around 11pm after hanging with friends and slept on the couch. She left for work without a word to me and I don’t know where we stand.

Her behavior is unacceptable but I feel I may have gone too far. What do you all think, AITAH?

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

festiq writes:

NTA I remember a post from a long time ago where the groom was no contact with his extremely abusive mother and the bride had secretly invited her to the wedding. When the groom saw his mother he left the bride at the altar and all of the siblings and his father berated her for being so thoughtless.

The relationship was finished because she couldn’t respect the grooms wishes. If she doesn’t respect you now she won’t respect you once you’re married.

feasttt writes:

I think I remember that one! It was from the sisters perspective, and when they found out she and him basically left the church and locked themselves up in their home to avoid all parties.

The mother was a clear narcissist who talked mad shit on their lawn, and the fiance tried to push for reconciliation with her parents in toe who basically were like, "you may as well marry her, you're not getting any younger..." Dude was in his 20s...

One that I remember involved a dude who was severely bullied and socially ostracized by his psycho sister, and nobody in the family believed him, so he cut them off.

Only, his wife started seeing the dudes sisters behind his back, and he ended up getting emotionally blackmailed into reconciling with his wife & estranged family sans the psycho sister, even though they all shoved culpability onto her for their own involvements, negligence, and general violation of his boundaries.

scorp writes:

I can understand her asking once. But OP had stated their wishes clearly. Multiple times over. That she does not respect his wishes is a giant red flag.

OP needs to sit her down, after he has calmed down, and state it one last time that this is the LAST time he wants to discuss this topic. Spell it out for her that this is not happening, and then directly ask her "do you understand what I have just said and can you respect my wishes and drop this topic"?

Also let her know that if she tries to go behind his back and invite them anyways, the marriage will be annulled and you will publicly make an announcement at the wedding that the marriage is being annulled because she just can't take no for an answer (that way everyone hears the same thing at the same time and she can't try any play the victim).

That is if OP feels that she is capable of respecting him and his wishes.

While it is nice that some people cannot fathom cutting family off because they are toxic and abusive because they have never had to experience that within their own family, that does not mean every person MUST have contact with their parents.

If this were me, I would not want the selfish person who disowned their own child because of their "new family" to be at my wedding. I would never want to set eyes on someone who could do something like that to the person I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. I would catch a charge.

scarycycle writes:

NTA. No you have not gone too far. Postpone the wedding just to be sure. Because she sure as hell does not respect your experience and desicion based on that.

There has been a story here on AITA about a bride who would not stop and in the end did invite the mother who the groom was no contact with.

It ended in a groom who didn't appear infront of the officiant, because one of the siblings warned him, and i think after the prospective ILs were informed WHY she wasn't invited they were appalled at their daughters behaviour.

Look for that story and maybe show that to her. But honestly? Before you marry her you two are in dire need of couples councelling for a few months to see if she really can respect your decision and if a marriage would have a future.

As it stands now - because she can't even be an adult and talk to you, instead she's throwing a tantrum - shes not wife material.

bizmodd writes:

NTA. They may be your blood but they’ve showed that they have no interest in being your family.

This can be really difficult for people to understand if they come from a healthy, functional family unit (which it sounds like your fiancé does) Regardless, they don’t deserve to be part of such a momentous day in your life especially when you don’t want them there and have made peace with that.

This sounds like a boundaries issue. You’ve expressed how you feel about the situation multiple times and she keeps crossing that boundary. I could totally see it coming from a place of love though.

I’m sure she’s excited for the wedding and wants it to be this perfect, idealic day for both of you where everyone is able to reunite and make amends. It’s a nice sentiment but it’s out of line to keep pushing something when you’ve made it clear multiple times that you have no desire to have a relationship with them.

Definitely talk it over with her again. Talk through it until you come to a resolution (might be a long convo but it’s better to get it all out then leave things uncertain). Hopefully she’ll be able to see it better from your perspective and you’ll be able to move forward with the wedding planning. Wishing you both the best of luck!

agitatedfi writes:

NTA. Your fiancé is. What doesn’t she understand about 1. Your own mother telling you to stop coming to visit while you were in college? 2. Your stepdad made it clear that you don’t belong in HIS family? 3.

You’ve been hurt by these people so deeply that for your mental health you’ve not spoken to them in YEARS? 4. That they aren’t invited to your wedding because of their treatment of you?

Your fiancé has shown that she has zero respect for you or your feelings and might’ve invited them to the wedding behind your back. You deserve to have a woman who has your back; respects you and is empathetic towards you and your experience with your family.

You have explained to her over and over again that you don’t want the woman who gave birth to you (she’s no mother to you!) and her family to be around you, let alone attend your wedding, which should be special and beautiful.

I’d say rethink whether you want to go through with the wedding, because she’s showing you exactly who she is, and that you nor your feelings mean nothing to her. Call off the wedding until she gets it. Or don’t marry her at all. You deserve better than that.

And now, Update 1:

Relevant Comment: She's already in contact with your parents. This particular kind of obliviousness doesn't start with asking permission but rather begging forgiveness.

OOP: I don’t think so. I go to dinner or talk with my sister every Thursday night and she would hint if my mom and Dale wanted to reconcile. They don’t. They honestly are happier pretending I don’t exist.

And now, OP's second update:

I’m very overwhelmed by the response. So many thoughtful responses. Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond. I thought I would give an update.

My fiance normally gets home around 5:30pm so after I was done working (I work from home) I waited for her to show up.

Got very worried when it was 6 and she still wasn’t home but around 6:15 she shows up with my sister which was a big surprise. While my sister and I connect every Thursday we live 45 minutes away from each other so her popping by is not normal.

Both of them looked very anxious so I was very confused. I asked them what was going on and my sister just bursts into tears and saying she’s sorry. After like 5 minutes of her losing her shit she starts talking about the family.

So apparently when she told my mom and Dale that I got engaged it started a rift between them. Not because they cared about me but about how my half brother, which is 27, is still living at home, single with no steady job.

If you’re thinking, wow they kicked you out at 19 but let him stay there past when he could rent a car, don’t worry I said it out loud.

My mom apparently wants to do the same to my half brother but Dale won’t let her. So they are currently separated. With my mom living family and refusing to come back until my half brother is out of the house.

For some reason that defies all logic and reason my sister thinks getting an invite to my wedding will bring the family together. Since it was my engagement that caused the rift. At this I blew up a bit.

I told her that my engagement had nothing to do with it, that their shitty parenting and poor relationship skills caused it and don’t put that shit on me. She cried even harder, and this time I was not going to console her.

My fiancé is just sitting there the whole time so while my sister is trying to get herself together I question my fiance about this.

She also tears up a bit but tells me my sister was telling her about how I always bring up the family on our Thursday and that deep down I wanted to repair the relationship. I asked how she could believe that when I was very clear that I was no contact with my family and had never mentioned wanting to be in contact.

I told her that I tell her everything and would never hold back something like this without talking to her. She’s always been my sounding board. When I switched jobs last year, we talked about it every night and her advice mattered more than anyone else.

She apologized and then wanted to show me her phone. Specifically the messages between her and my sister. At this point my sister perks up and asks her not to show the phone conversation. But my fiancé tells her she’s trying to save her relationship. My sister has just been straight up lying about our Thursday conversations.

Saying how I was always talking about reconciling, how I would never admit it but I’m partially at fault too, how I really want to see them all again. Every time I would tell my fiance no she would text my sister and my sister would talk about how I just couldn’t be open because I was embarrassed.

Just completely false. I would be perfectly happy never seeing any of them again. I can’t believe my sister still sees them. At this I tell my half sister to leave and that Thursdays are cancelled.

My sister puts up a little bit of a fight but I ignore her until she leaves. She keeps saying sorry over and over again but honestly I’m done with her. I’ve blocked her and will be no contact with her for the time being. A complete betrayal of my feelings and relationships.

As for my fiancé and I. I am still very upset. She went behind my back with my sister. Never asked me about it. Let my sister manipulate her and honestly hurt me. I told her I love her but my trust is broken. We’ve agreed to go to couples therapy and see if we can repair the relationship. I hope we can but I’d say it’s a toss up for me. She’s got a lot of work to do.

Readers continued to weigh in:

Commenter (removed, downvoted): Oh f off. Your fiance was lied to and manipulated just as much as you. Don't hold this against her if you don't want to be the asshole. Now is the time to come together with her as she has seen how fd they are.

Tell her you love her and forgive her and never believe anything unless it's out of your mouth again. But that's up to you if you want to throw away the love of a good woman.