'AITA for wanting to block the man who married my SIL after my brother suddenly died?' UPDATED

"AITA for wanting to block the man who married my sister-in-law after my brother suddenly died?"

I've always been really close with my sister-in-law "Ally" and her girls. We are about the same age and had similar struggles with our kids and would share stories and advice over a glass of wine. A few years ago my brother "Scott" collapsed in his yard and died. He was only in his 40's.

We were all heart broken and I did what I could to be there for "Ally" since her kids were still young while struggling through my own grief. We sat and cried together so many times after this happened. A few months had gone by and I started noticing her being happier and less stressed.

I asked what was going on and she told me that a neighbor of theirs had been really helping her through this and being there with phone calls and texts even in the middle of the night when she couldn't sleep. I asked which neighbor and she looked at me shyly and said the neighbor's name. Let's call him Lucifer.

She told me that he has been coming over and just sitting with her and taking her out to eat so she could get her out of the house, making her feel loved again. I tried to hide my alarm and shock. You see, Lucifer was already married to a woman for 27 years and they had several kids (some adopted and still living in the house). He was also many, many, MANY years older than "Ally".

She was obviously enjoying his attention but I reminded her that he was married and to please be careful. I felt like they were just pissing all over my brother's memory. It only took a few months before he left his wife of 27 YEARS and filed for divorce.

Can you guess why? Apparently, Lucifer and Ally had started "falling in love" with each other but Ally didn't want to proceed until he was officially divorced because "it would be a sin to date a married man". My blood boiled and I saw red. She jumped in with "but you don't know what he has had to go through in his marriage. His wife has been emotionally mistreating him for years".

I couldn't say anything because I was so furious that she could be that blind. She is extremely smart and I never thought she would fall for something so stupid but I guess grief makes you do stupid things. I asked how her girls felt about it. She got sad and said they didn't like him and didn't want him to be around. Then she said "but if they only knew how kind he is they would change their mind".

I kept my thoughts to myself but tried to get her to see the light. A few months later, they were engaged. Their wedding was a small service that only a few were invited to. Her girls told us that they were doing everything they could to make him miserable which is upsetting for Ally. Apparently, after they got married Lucifer started insisting they call him step-dad or dad.

He was also trying to tell them what to do. Remember, it's only been about a year since their father passed away and they were pre-teen/young teens. I decided there isn't much I could do except keep being there for the girls as much as I could. Every time we got together Lucifer always seems to be mad at me for something I said or did.

One time Ally told me that he acts that way because "he doesn't feel like you really approved of our marriage". Without thinking I said "I didn't" but followed up with "but it's done and I'm not going to try to tear you two apart and will always be here for your kids". After that Lucifer made sure he was not around when I was there. Apparently, he didn't like my answer.

Last year her oldest daughter got married and I came up early to help set up for the wedding since they were doing all the decorations and set up alone. I brought my two teenage boys to help. We got to work as soon as we got there but things were tense and stressful because apparently a lot had been going wrong all morning. Now, I need to mention that both my boys are autistic.

They are high functioning but struggle with how to communicate and follow directions. Lucifer kept yelling at them to "move it there" and then "move it here" and "no, you're not doing it right" totally confusing them. My youngest son spoke up and tried to make a suggestion and Lucifer snapped at him saying "I don't need you to tell me what to do. Just keep your mouth shut and do as I say without talking back".

I turned around so fast I caused a dust storm. I was going to say something but then caught the eye of my sister-in-law who looked mortified and decided against it since I didn't want to cause a scene at my niece's wedding. I told the boys to put everything down and we left.

Later that evening at the rehearsal I approached Lucifer and explained that I understand he was under a lot of stress but he should not of talked to my son that way because he was just trying to help. Lucifer decided to say "I won't stand for disrespect and he needs to learn to show his elders respect and learn to keep his mouth shut and just do what he is told". I lost it.

I started seeing red but thankfully my sister heard what he said and saw my face. She came over and pulled me away before I opened up a huge can of whoop a$$ on him. Thankfully, I calmed down and let my niece have her beautiful wedding but I am so done with this jackass.

I have tried for years to put up with him for my sister-in-law's sake but after how he treated my AUTISTIC son, I don't think I can be around him again but that means losing a my relationship with my sister-in-law and possibly loosing my relationship with my other nieces (who still live in their house). I don't want my nieces to feel like I abandoned them. AITA for confronting him at that time?

P.S. The reason I'm posting now is because my sister-in-law is wondering why I haven't come to visit and wants me to stay with her for a few days (I live in a different state). I'm not sure what to tell her.

This is what people had to say to OP:

Vast-Temporary-771 said:

NTA. I wish you had let him have it. He needed a can of whoop ass. Your first priority should be your sons over your nieces. Do what you can to maintain contact with the kids but this toxic man is nothing you need in your life. I feel bad for your nieces still living at home. I would let them know you need to step back from the toxic person but you will always be a safe place.

sexypanda26 said:

He is going to keep behaving this way because nobody is holding him accountable. There’s so many things wrong with this whole situation, but the biggest thing is that this old man is not being held accountable by anyone. Allie is so desperate that she is willing to let him emotionally abuse an autistic kid and be a complete a hole to her own daughters smh

bakeacakeyum said:

NTA but I really, really hope you open that can. This elderly parasite totally took advantage of your grieving SIL.

OP responded:

I totally agree. Makes me wonder how long he had a thing for "Ally" even before my brother died.

evilslothofdoom said:

Block the AH and try to keep in contact with the kids, the way he spoke to your sons is an indication of how he treats the kids. How old are the kids now? Would it be possible for them to stay with you?

It could be worth having a conversation about what you've observed from Lucifer to Ally, only speak factually, no emotional language. Let her know you love her, but can't be around Lucifer as he has crossed the line in how he treated your sons and don't feel safe having him around you and your kids.

OP responded:

Luckily the two youngest are about to graduate high school in 2 years. I've been trying to keep cordial because my nieces are close to my boys and love being around them. They have both rebelled pretty hard making it very difficult for "Ally" to raise them.

We all tried to tell her that she needs to make sure the girls approve before marrying him but she convinced herself that they would grow to love him as she has. I hate to say it but I've wanted to tell her so many times "I told you so" but honestly she has been my biggest support in raising my boys and I hate to lose that.

Appa1904 said:

NTA. Tell your nieces you're always there for them. Give them your number. Stay in contact or let them seek you later if necessary, just explain why you're distancing. They'll understand.

OP responded:

Thankfully, they have my and my sisters numbers and they vent their frustrations to use. They also text with my boys since they are close as well.

Two months later, OP shared this update:

First, I want to thank everyone for their kind comments and suggestions. I made sure I read all of them and even took some of the wording y'all suggested to help me explain things to her. Yes, I finally talked to her. I started in an email giving her an overall view of how I felt on what happened but she wanted to call. Let me first explain a few things before going into what happened on the call.

I am hot headed and have said a lot of very hurtful things in my youth while angry that I can never get back. After loosing a very dear friend because of my inability to hold my tongue I promised myself I would never react or speak in anger again. It took years and although I still struggle with it, I have trained my month to shut as soon as I feel angry.

I'm explaining this because a lot of people wondered why I didn't say anything to Lucifer after he said what he said to my son. My niece was close by and I knew if I allowed myself to respond it would be in a raised, angry tone and once I start, it's hard to stop.

When I approached him at the rehearsal dinner all of our family and my niece's future in-laws were there and I did not want to embarrass her in front of them. I talked with my sons (who are 15 and 18) about it and explained that what he said was not OK.

My youngest son (bless him) even offered to beat him up for me but I declined since I've always taught them that words and not violence is how to win any fight (my son would of really hurt him since he is 6'2 and strong and Lucifer is about 5'3 and a flabby old fart).

Another thing that people wondered was if Lucifer was abusive to the girls and Ally. I've talked to my 2 sisters who are even closer to my nieces and they said that he speaks to them in a very dismissive way and has said things like that to them as well but nothing beyond that. Apparently, my older niece and Lucifer got into a yelling match just last year for talking to her the same way he talked to my son.

My SIL seems to always defend and support him which pisses all of us off. That also explains why she didn't say anything to Lucifer when he said what he did even though she was standing right there. Y'all have helped me realize that she has done this to herself and I will not keep making excuses for her.

Many of you are right when you said this has been going on for so long because no one has spoken up and confronted them out of fear they will not let us visit the girls anymore. My whole family are peace makers and HATE confrontation of any kind. I'm like that as well but my patience for that is over. So, we talked.

I made sure I stayed calm before calling her. We said our niceties and then I started telling her how I felt about what he said to my son and how he justified himself when I confronted him. SIL explained that everyone was stressed that day and was sure he was sorry about it now. I asked if he was there. He was. So, I asked to be put on speaker so I could ask him directly.

She did and I asked him with SIL there listening if he was sorry for speaking to my son the way he did at the wedding. Lucifer breathed heavily and with obvious anger and annoyance in his voice said he already told me that I need to teach my sons better on how to respect their elders and should learn to shut up and do what they are told. Remember how I said I've taught myself to shut my mouth when I get angry?

Unfortunately, my month rebelled after years of training and the flood gates were opened. Here is what I said: "my boys will show respect to those that deserve it and what the hell have you done to deserve anyone's respect except abandon your children, abandon your wife, and become an adulterer by pursing a piece of ass with money before my brother was cold in his grave.

Just how long were you lusting after Ally before my brother even died? You have done NOTHING to deserve any kind of respect because you are a narcissistic, lying, cheating piece of crap that preys on vulnerable grieving women". At this point I knew I had lost any chance for reconciliation. He was yelling back and I heard Ally trying to calm him down.

She told me that if that is how I feel then we are not welcomed in their home and hung up. I felt good that I finally said what I've wanted to say for years but a bit guilty for not keeping my cool. The funny thing was my middle niece (who is 17 now) called me about 30 minutes later and said she heard the whole thing and laughed the whole time.

She has never liked him and has been the only one that has stood up to his bullying and thought she was the only one that felt that way. I told her that we all felt that way towards him but haven't said anything because we thought that her mom would cut all ties with us if we did.

She said that as soon as she graduates high school she is never going to be under the same roof as him but she would NEVER cut ties with us because "you are my dad's family and I love you all". Tears welled up in my eyes out of love for her and guilt that we had not defended them more.

My sisters, my nieces, and I are planning a girls trip next year after she graduates and I couldn't be happier. As for my SIL, she will have to reach out to me if she wants to reconnect. I know now that I will not lose my nieces and that is what is important.