Man's wife cheats one time in 14 years; he says, 'I'm abandoning you and our daughter.' AITA? MAJOR UPDATE.
When this man is furious with his wife's cheating slip up and doesn't even consider forgiving her and repairing their family, he asks Reddit:
"Am I wrong for not giving my cheating wife another chance?"
Me (39m) and my wife (33f) have been together for 13 years. She recently went away on a girls trip.
I was not worried at all. I have never had a reason to distrust her, she has never done anything to give me an cause for concern, and it’s not like she was even going abroad. She was going to a BUTLINS half an hour away for gods sake. She went with her sister and a few other girls.
She called me up this morning, and I didn’t expect anything other than her checking in. She’s only been away 1 night of a 3 night trip. When I answered she was crying, and incoherent. When I finally calmed her down she told me she had slept with someone else the night before.
Supposedly, she met a guy, who SHE approached, they flirted a little, and danced together, and she thought that was as far as it would go. But he supposedly just charmed her into a kiss, which turned to making out, which turned to her asking him to walk her back to her hotel, which turned into them having sex.
She says nothing was amiss — He wasn’t pushy, or weird, and they actually had sex multiple times, because she would say they need to stop, and he would stop immediately, and then after a few minutes she’d want him to carry on and he would. And he supposedly “never even finished” because of the stop/starting.
This supposedly went on for 3 hours and she eventually said stop for good and asked him to leave, and he did.
The guy is supposedly 10 years younger than her, and she said she lied and told him she was going through a divorce. She says she doesn’t know what came over her, and she just wanted to “see if she still had it” but got carried away.
14 years, married for 10, and we have a 7 year old daughter. I want to leave her and our daughter. Well obviously I'd still be a father, but in general, I'm just OUT. She’s begging me not too, offering marriage counselling, never going out again, never drinking again etc etc.
I’ve always been a one chance sort of guy. I just told her to go F herself and have been ignoring her since about 10am. Now her friends and sister are calling me too. They apparently had no idea she’d even gone home with him. They saw them talking but thought nothing of it. I just want them all to leave me alone.
I told my mum about it and she said I should “think of my family” and that my wife seems genuinely remorseful and didn’t try and hide anything, and came clean straight away.
My mom keeps saying, it’s “not like she had an affair” and that is bad as it is this is “best case scenario” and that I should "think of my family." After that conversation I feel like I’m insane. Am I wrong for not even considering forgiving her?
Before we give you OP's major update, let's take a look at some of the top responses. Readers had a LOT of controverisal opinions about OP's decision.
benesyfrup writes:
You’re not wrong at all, she broke your trust. Now every time she goes anywhere will she do this again? And she didn’t have sex with him 1x she told you it was multiple times.
Turn your phone off and take your daughter out for a meal. Spend time with her before your wife gets home and starts love bombing you both and strong arming you.
fancygrap7 writes:
Cut your losses and move on. If she’s capable of cheating on you the first night of a girls trip that included her sister should give you pause.
As you noted she pursued him..it’s likely it’s not a one off if she was that cavalier and so easily disrespected your marriage even lying about the status. Hours of cheating is not a one time “mistake”. Good luck!
eight6 writes:
There's nothing here to discuss. If it were me, it'd be over. No questions asked. Your family will be fine; plenty of only children grow up with two homes and are just fine. (I'm raising one right now.) You're not insane. You have self-respect and don't deserve to be treated the way you were treated.
Editing later to add: this is advice from a 41 year old with four children who is divorced and happily remarried. The answer is right in front of you. It is simple. It is not easy. But it is simple.
Editing even later: if you stay, you’ll certainly be pulled into couples counseling. This seems exactly what you need in the surface of it. Over time, however, it’s the mechanism by which her cheating will become your fault.
Shes very sorry at first. Please stay and let’s work this out. What might it take? Can you stay for another four weeks? Can we just commit to that?
Then she’s very sorry, very much so still, but you know, it turns out that she just needed to feel a connection with someone because she felt unappreciated because you got her only a gift card for Christmas and she does all of the cooking.
She is really sorry about stranger dick but it felt so nice to be looked at by someone new with appreciation and desire and not having to tell them to Hoover the floor.
She’s really sorry she did it three times but of course if you had taken your daughter to and from school more and helped organize her activity calendar she wouldn’t have felt so stressed.
Before long, the mechanism will have not only assigned you the blame, but it will indeed also assign you the work of repairing the relationship, by taking her out to dinner, by requiring you to purchase little gifts of appreciation and recognition.
By requiring you to get her spa days so she isn’t stressed, and that larger house she wanted a long time ago but you couldn’t provide because you don’t make enough money (unspoken is that another stranger may be able to provide this for her, but you can’t say that, because that would be attacking language).
By letting her go on more girls trips because hasn’t she shown her remorse? You wouldn’t want her to feel smothered by responsibility; that’s backward progress in this counseling.
Her cheating on you will end up being your fault and her consequence for cheating will be to be showered with gifts from you and appreciation from you. At that point the tables finished their turning, the mechanism shuts off, and you are the f-g chump.
hollymc writes:
Dan Savage (a relationship advice columnist and podcaster) has some thoughts on this that I find interesting.
He says that if someone is in a monogamous relationship for many years and slips up once, that means that generally they were very good at monogamy. I know our culture is very unforgiving with this kind of thing but the fact that she came clean immediately, was drunk when it happened etc should be considered.
Don't rush your decision. Sleep on it, talk it through with your wife. This might be an opportunity to grow a stronger relationship as a result.
digitalheadbutt writes:
The chorus of idiots you're going to find on here will give whatever subjective answer that they want. If it bothers you then divorce her and f*** anyone else's opinion.
Personally, I don't feel like I own any one's body even if they are with me. My love is not conditional upon their obedience or some other bullshit.
What would concern me is why she felt the need to do it at all, without telling me there was something missing in our relationship that she felt she needed to seek elsewhere.
Before I gave up on a 14-year relationship, broke my family, and possibly caused long-term trauma to my child, I would try to find out what the root cause of the situation was and see if there's anything I can do to repair it.
If there's anything there to salvage I think it's worth trying. However if your trust or your ego or your love are so fragile that they cannot survive a stranger's dick then maybe get out of that relationship and also go to therapy.
mikemyersrespie writes:
There certainly seems to be a consensus here, but I don’t agree with it. Are you within your rights to leave? Sure. Are you within your rights to be hurt and angry? Absolutely.
But consider your options and what you’re giving up to get. I assume you love this woman and that she loves you. I assume you both love your daughter.
You and your wife both have an opportunity here to learn and teach your daughter some important lessons about owning your mistakes (on your wife’s part) and forgiving the people you love (on yours), and on learning how to communicate and identify the real issues in a relationship before it’s too late.
So if it’s me, I’m definitely going to couple’s counseling, and I’m giving some serious thought to what this person has to/can do to win my trust back.
For context if it matters, I’ve never cheated and only been cheated on once, and not in a serious relationship.
And now, let's take a look at OP's major update about the situation:
So my wife came home tonight, after giving me the day to cool off. I asked to see the guy. Idk why maybe I’m a sucker for punishment. And of course he looks like a superhero. So that’s great.
Guy looks like Anthony Joshua or something. For the record, my wife, is beautiful. Like perfect teeth, works out regularly etc. I am not ugly, but I am just a typical english guy.
Not overweight, but could probably lose a few pounds, bit of a dad bod etc. Still have a full head of hair which is nice. I always felt so lucky to be with her. She was an amazing partner, an amazing mother, funny, intelligent etc.
I asked her to lay out what happened to me in more detail. I wanted to catch any lies/changes in the story/test her consistency.
She basically says she was at the bar and the guy was stood next to her, they glanced at each other, and she said “where did you come from?” to him. He asked what she meant and she says she said he “was the first handsome man she’d seen”.
And that’s how the conversation got started. As for her telling him she was divorcing, that happened when he glanced down, noticed her ring, and asked her about it. Apparently once she said that he went on to say “not like I give a fuck either way”. What a gent.
I asked if she thinks he could have slipped her anything, and she says it’s impossible, because they only did shots together. I asked if she took any drugs, and she admitted to doing coke with her friends, which isn’t all that surprising, if you’re from the UK and you’re into drinking culture it’s pretty standard.
A few of you seem to be American, so let me explain what exactly a “butlins” is. It’s basically a holiday resort, usually for families, but they sometimes host adult exclusive weekends where it’s a pretty big party place. It’s cheap, and grimy, and can be a lot of fun.
People dress up, there’s djs, live music, multiple venues and late night entertainment etc. As for people saying she got caught by her friends, she actually didn’t. She disappeared with the guy and went home with him.
Texted her friends she was tired and wanted to go to sleep, and as they are on the resort and the hotel is like a 3 minute walk they all just said to text when she was safe in her room.
She was sharing a room with her sister, but she was in their other friend’s room drinking and doing coke because they thought she was sleeping.
She told the guy to leave at around 6am because she thought her sister might be coming back soon as that’s when the party usually winds down. I asked her how many times she had sex with the guy and she said 4 or 5, lasting between 5-10 minutes each time.
Apparently even after cheating she never thought she’d sleep with the guy. She says she just wanted to give him oral, so she did that, but the guy said he could only finish through se%.
She didn’t believe him, until 20 minutes later he still wasn’t done so she gave up and climbed on top of him. But then after about 5 minutes she thought “what the f am I doing” and got off him.
Then laid there and cuddled him and drank more, and then 10 minutes later they would be touching each other again. This repeated 4 or 5 times. She says that she kept thinking “it was wrong” but then would think “it’s too late now anyway, so might as well carry on” and basically go through a loop of that.
I asked her why she felt the need to see if she still had it, and she says since she hit 30 she’s been self conscious of her aging. That when she spots a new wrinkle or something it drives her to tears. She said that chatting to the guy made her feel young again, and she latched onto that.
Also apparently the guy was there with a girl, who my wife said “looked like a younger version of herself”, and the guy pointed her out to my wife and said “that girl over there watching us has a crush on me” and laughed about it.
After he had been talking to my wife for like 30 minutes the girl had enough, walked over and kicked the table, spilling the guys drink and then stormed off. She says that the guy picking her over a younger woman drove her ego crazy, and that was when she decided to kiss him.
I asked her why she even told me, and she said that when she woke up, she saw I’d sent a selfie of me and our daughter eating pizza together, and it sent her into a nervous breakdown.
That she was wailing and sobbing so loud it woke up her sister, and that’s when she confessed. Her sister told her she was insane for what she did, and wasn’t very comforting and then left the room mad at her which made it worse, and that’s when she called me.
I have asked her to leave the house for a few days, and she is staying at her mother’s house while I decide what I want to do. She begged me not to make her leave, but she did when I said it was the least she could do after blowing up our entire lives over wrinkles making her sad.
As for my mother, she still thinks I should forgive her. For context my dad died about a year ago, and my wife has really been a rock for my mum.
I cannot see her as much as I would like, due to my work, but my wife is a self employed lash/nail tech and has a lot of free time, which she uses to spend with my mum, to keep her company, do her hair, and have girly days to try and make sure she doesn’t get lonely (like I said, she was such a perfect partner).
No I don’t think my mum is a cheater or whatever, and she is very angry at my wife. But she loves her. And she just wants everything to be okay.
My daughter has no idea what is happening, she was already asleep when my wife came and went again. She will just think mummy is still on holiday. I still have no idea what I’m going to do. Honestly I’m still reeling. But that’s basically everything.
Readers wasted no time weighing in on OP's update:
addisunshine writes:
Your wife was beyond selfish in every single way. She threw away your relationship, family and trust over something as shallow as wrinkles. She thought of you multiple times, and didn’t consider you important enough to stop what she was doing.
She only told you what she did so she could alleviate her guilt. I feel for your mom but your wife made this decision all on her own. I’m so sorry dude. I can’t even imagine how devastating this must be. Sending all the love to you and your daughter.
responsivesiguature writes:
Break up with her. Do not accept any apologies. Do not validate any of her equivocations. Do not hug, console, or reward her for her "feeling bad about it".
Get a DNA test for your daughter. Regardless of the results be a perfect dad for her. Make sure your daughter knows when she's old enough why you broke up. Live the best life you can, it will be the best revenge against your sociopath demon of a wife.