Man calls wife with major depressive disorder 'selfish and manipulative.' AITA?

When this man is fed up with his wife, he asks the internet:

'AITA for calling my wife selfish and manipulative?'

My (42m) wife, Lily (40f) has struggled with mental health as long as we’ve been together. She has MDD and goes through these episodes of intense, uncontrollable depression which usually last a few days. Meds help but they’re still pretty bad. I try my best to support her.

We have two kids D (14f) and S (13m). Generally when Lily is having an episode, I’ll take the kids out or keep them occupied away from her. We’ve agreed that this is best for the well-being of herself and the kiddos.

The kids are old enough that they can stay home by themselves, so during the most recent episode I left to go do errands and told them to leave their mom alone because she was feeling sick (what we’ve always told them).

When I got home, I found the kids and Lily sitting in the living room. D was rubbing her head and S was cuddling up to her. They both looked upset. I told the kids to go to their rooms and asked Lily what happened. She said that they asked her what was wrong and she told them the truth; everything including the reason she had scars.

I was horrified. I told her that it was selfish and manipulative for her to put that kind of pressure on our kids. She argued that they were old enough to get the truth when they asked for it and that she would never place the burden of her health on them.

She hasn’t talked to me since and it seems like the whole thing made her episode worse. My daughter was apparently listening in and she called me an asshole and that she wants to be able to be there for her mother. Am I the asshole?

Let's see what readers had to say:

dakgh writes:

YTA. Your kids are old enough to discuss mental health issues. You freaking out and trying to hide your wife's depression might even lead to some mental health issues with your kids. I understand why you guys hid it in the past and maybe your wife should have discussed this with you before telling your kids.

flaj writes:

NTA but honesty is always the best thing. Your whole family should have been in on the conversation with a professional so your kids could have asked all the questions they need to. I can't imagine hearing this & then wondering if I'm going to have this too. That is exactly what your kids are wondering I guarantee it.

You need to schedule some family counseling to get through this safely & healthy. Your wife made a poor decision without consulting you or a therapist first. Not good. It affected the whole family poorly. Not good. She should have offered all of you a safe space to have the discussion. Good luck.

agaz writes:

YTA. Seems pretty clear that you’re so ashamed of your wife for her condition that you don’t even want her to be able to be honest with her own children.

Shame on you, for acting like she has the plague when in reality she’s a pretty normal human being who’s acting responsibly and trying to be transparent and have an honest relationship with her family.

People have depression for all kinds of reasons. You’re treating her like she’s untouchable during those times, making it so that she can’t be around any of you. Did it ever occur to you that that might make it worse? That she might have guilt and fear that you’ve simply reinforced?

It sounds like her daughter wants to actually treat her like she’s normal at these times, which is totally reasonable and a sign of actual empathy. Shame on you for blocking her from getting basic comfort and support that we all need. By role modeling that it’s OK to be honest, your wife could have prepared your kids for any time that they might need to get such support.

Instead, by shaming her and calling her names, you’ve made it clear to your children that it’s not OK to ever admit to having mental health problems, because even a longtime spouse might reject you over it.

You’ve made it clear to them that you think it’s so shameful that she should’ve lied to them about it. What a confusing and distressing message for children to get from their father. What a disrespectful example you’ve set for them, treating their mom as lesser.

fancyfeat7 writes:

NTA. I don't believe your children should have to care take to their mothers "depression" nor is it healthy to be privy to any hx of "scarring".

That is a heavy burden for children if, they are consciously aware of it or not. In my opinion as someone with clinical MDD and PTSD and a mental health professional there are many things someone can actively do to take care of their mental health which doesn't include parentifing your children to take care of your needs.

Your wife's behavior goes beyond the symptoms of MDD. It is manipulative. Having a mental illness does not give someone freedom to not be responsible as a parent or partner. And people shouldn't use their mental illness as an excuse to make others care take their needs.

Millions of people have mental illness and continue to function daily as a parent, partner, employee, and responsible member of society. Our culture has learned helplessness when it comes to having a mental illness and it's sad because having a mental illness does NOT make you less than or broken as a person.

There is so much help now a days and believe me if she is having these episode so severe then her meds aren't working or she's on the wrong meds and she definitely needs a good therapist to help empower her.

And help her with any trauma in order to find her joy again because, she deserves that and neither you or your children can give her that. It's is not in your ability to "fix or repair" her.

Yes of course be loving and supportive as we all should be to our family members but only she heal herself. And healing this begins with being honest with yourself and taking responsibility for your own mental health needs. I do wish you all the very best.

lowchar writes:

As a child of a mother like this he is NTA. I was put on all the time to support my mothers mental health. He’s trying to protect them as long as possible.

However, opening up to them is probably the best for everyone. There is already such a stigma on mental health problems and you freaking out is just going to make it worse.

wettyz writes:

YTA. Mental health is something to be talked about at all ages (in age appropriate ways). When I was their age I was going though some DARK mental illnesses and had no way of guiding myself through it or what life might be like if I survived it (which suprisingly I did.)

They have either already been around some of this stuff with their peers or will be very soon. Your wife seems to be very active in wanting them to develop a healthy mindset to mental health. Not talking about it doesn't help them.