Man's fiancé does permanent damage to her face and then DISAPPEARS for 8 months. 'I am disgusted with her behavior.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

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When this man is shocked by his fiancé’s unhinged decision, he asks the internet:

"My fiancé did permanent damage to her face. I'm furious. AITA?"

My fiancee "Kim" I have just learned is completely insane. She took some days off work this week "Sick" and avoided seeing most people in person. She claimed she was feeling sick and just wanted to stay home alone.

She has never given me any indication that she would lie about this in the 6 years we've been together. No one in her family had any worries because she was a stable individual who would never do anything crazy.

She got a face tattoo. She took 3 sick days from work to recover from the fact that she got a face tattoo. She told no one of this plan beforehand. I have never in our time together been talked to about tattoos by Kim.

She showed no indication that she was even interested in getting any. I was not even the first to learn. Her sister visited her because she got worried after Kim canceled meeting with her for lunch on her 3rd day "Sick" and got the grand reveal.

She didn't tell anyone beforehand because she "Didn't want to be talked out of it" and hit the results because the swelling and redness were so bad that we would "react badly and not be able to understand the artistic meaning."

Kim is Asian American. She got Japanese symbols going down her forehead and under her eye. I don't know the meaning of them. I don't really know if I care to know the meaning of them. Kim's parents are Japanese immigrants.

According to her sister, who was nice enough to inform me of this whole debacle, this is a big no-no in Japanese culture. Tattoos have links to crime and are looked down upon. Her parents are beside themselves and that is a whole other set of drama I can't even begin to approach.

Kim talked to me last night about it, and acted offended and started a fight because I told her it was absolutely insane of her to do this. She works a public-facing job. She talks face-to-face with clients in the financial industry.

The minute her boss finds out, the career that she went to school for will be over. She actually didn't consider her job, or family, or me at all and decided "a long time ago" she was going to express herself freely without any concerns.

I'm worried about her right now. This is not normal. She blocked my number after our fight and is ghosting me and her sister because we're trying to help. But, dear lord, this is far beyond me.

I cannot comprehend what I'm even supposed to do right now. I am disgusted with her behavior. Kim's lost her mind. Is there any chance I will be happy married to.... this?

A woman who went and got a face tattoo, and hid that fact because she knew we would all talk her out of it> Dear lord I really need to run don't I? I am so angry. AITA? Should I have more compassion?

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

cram65 writes:

Its extremely impulsive, its easy for people here to contemplate mental illness, or drugs or whatever the reason may be. Only she knows. And you know her better than us.

But people saying its her body her choice, this isnt a women's choice issue. Even if a woman posted this about her potential husband, we would all say the same thing, it was a really stupid thing to do.

This is a very rash decision, its not a normal tattoo, its on her face. Its one of the dumbest things you could do, with no consideration for others in your life or about your future.

If they are gonna get married and have a family, how can she help support the family without a job cuz of her dumb tattoo decision? What if the husband needs her to be the primary provider even temporarily in case of an emergency or crisis?

How can anyone in her life take her seriously now that whenever anyone sees her, they first see the face tattoo and all that implies about her and her decision making abilities?

How can an employer rely on someone who would make thAt decision? Unless she wants to work at a weed shop for the rest of her life. She also wasted all those years of higher education. Its extremely selfish and again its not a womans rights issue its not that black & white. Its much more complicated than that. Unfortunately.

OP, you have a tough decision to make too. Personally i would step back not go through with the marriage. This could be one of many impulsive decisions to come, and i dont wanna be around that and the chaos thats possibly to come.

ground^1 writes:

YTA. Unpopular opinion alert (braced for downvotes): It’s her face. She got a tat on it. She didn’t cheat, abuse you, steal your identity, slash your tires, birth a sneaky link’s child and pass it off as yours etc.

She made an unpopular and detrimental decision to get a face tat. So… what’s the solution? There’s a few.

1.) She can buy industrial strength concealer to hide the face tat 2.) She can eventually get the tat removed 3.) She can opt for a hidden tattoo somewhere else OR get a temporary version of the tattoo 4.) She can do a combo of 1 & 2 & 3 and everyone can laugh about it with her in 10 years.

There are ways to fix this decision. However, if you were prepared to leave her over this fixable thing, it’s best you go ahead and leave.

This is essentially a non-issue in the grand scheme of the hills and valleys that life often throws our way. So, if you’re having trouble handling solutions or gentle conversations about a face tat… marriage in general may not be a route to take rn.

If she’s otherwise a great person, trust me, there may come a time when you wish the worst a person did was get a bad tat. Just my 2 cents.

trackerrac writes:

Yes you do need to run. She had a sneaky little plan that she enacted over several days and actively hid from you and others. The fact that you had NO idea of her face tattoo interest is the most shocking part of the story.

What else don’t you know? What else will she do without telling you? Her comment that she will do what she wants when she wants (in the name of self expression) means you will not be in a partnership. And that this type of activity is now to be expected.

Her blocking you means this engagement is over. She has shown you who she really is - and you do not know her. In fact, she’s sick of people not knowing who she really is and I promise you there is more to come. I saw this type of “turn” with my own sister and believe me it lead to acts of infidelity, financial malfeasance and more.

Yes face tattoos are statistically proven to negatively impact jobs, relationships, and income. In fact, many shops won’t do a face tattoo because they are a prime indicator of future self-harm.

NONE of this is your problem. Save yourself and run. Even if you try to “help” she does not want it and has told you clearly that YOU are in the wrong. so listen, learn, believe, and end this relationship swiftly.

Venixxx writes:

YTA. I mean if a face tattoo is turn off for you, sure, I guess you could be like this isn't for me. But surely you were with this woman for her personality, but to me you make it seem like you care about her money more than her happiness, I get it sucks for you, but maybe this is right for her and feels good for her.

Sure it's probably going to cause a headache and they might have transfer jobs, is what it is. I just feel like everyone on top of her probably would make her feel like shit, especially her partner who's meant to be supportive is just berating her for something she's ALREADY done, there's no point screaming or lecturing her AFTER she's done it...

it's done, either deal with it and move on, or break up if you're truly unhappy over someones expressions, even if you don't agree with it, you're not the one who has to live with it and what people say for the rest of your life. There's obviously a reason she didn't talk to you about this

crimen% writes:

ESH. On one hand, I’m all for self-expression and doing what you want with your body, and she has every right to do so. On the other hand, it’s really concerning that she made this decision seemingly out of the blue, without considering her job.

As other people have said, this might be some medical or mental health issue, but it very well could also be that there isn’t any underlying issue and she just made a decision for herself, impulsive or not.

If it’s just a decision she made, this would be a red flag for me just in the fact that she didn’t mention it to you first and that she hid from you, her job, and her family because she knew it wouldn’t be well-received.

I’m not saying she should have asked for permission, but I think she should have at least told you her plans beforehand so she wasn’t just blindsiding you.

Her decision does affect you and your life, not just hers. There are implications that come with having a face tattoo, it’s just a fact in our society, whether it’s “fair” or not, that’s just how it is.

So it is concerning to me. It’s up to you whether or not you are okay with marrying someone who a) has a face tattoo, b) would hide a major decision about her life from you, and c) make a decision seemingly impulsively without considering her professional job.

feine00 writes:

YTA! Calling her insane and not trying to listen or hear her out and judging her instantly is EXACTLY what she was afraid of and congratulations, you just did that OP. Think about it, if she didn't feel confident or comfortable in expressing herself to you, HER FIANCE. There's a bigger problem here.

She doesn't trust you or think you have her back. She doesn't feel safe to express her true self and desires to you. It's not about you. Examine what you are truly feeling, are you upset she didn't tell you and confide in you?

Or are you upset that she feels like you would judge her? Are you upset at her lack of faith in you having her back? Or are you mad she did made changes to her own face without asking you? If it's the latter, that's controlling af.

She doesn't have to "consider" you or her family... Just her job. What's concerning is the fact she got tats on her face without thinking of how it will effect her current job. That's not a great sign... but it is her chocie and hers alone.

Not yours or her families. She might be thinking she can cover it up with makeup while at work, but again. You didn't care to ask and just straight away jumped into berating her and calling her insane. If I were here I wouldn't tell you either if that's your immediate reaction.

"She decided "a long time ago" she was going to express herself freely without any concerns"

Personally, i think if this is something she's wanted for a while and just never told people around her... maybe her circle of friends and family is the problem.

She may feel that they would judge her and not accept her for doing something a bit outside the norm. While it does seem to be an extreme jump to most, if she's runimated on this for a while, she's knows what she wants.

Plus, if she's old enough to be engaged she's old enough to get a tatto wherever she pleases. Not wanting or "caring" to know what the symbols means... it just comes off as dismissive and not caring about your fiance op.

Yes, in asian cultures tattoos are generally seen as a sign of being a criminal. But recently a lot of young asian folks are getting them to subvert the meaning and because they loke them/want them and don't give a crap about the stigma.

A bit of context for you op, I'm South Asian Canadian and when I got my shoulder blade tattoo my mom was really mad and said it would look terrible on a bride. Keep in mind I'm single at this time.

I didn't tell my parents when I got my tattoos or piercings done and just showed up back home with them. Why? Because I know what they'll say and how they'll react. (They're the type to never be satisfied and are abusive but that's besides the point). It's my body, my choice and I was 26 when I got my first tattoos and piercing. Old enough I think!

I have a nose ring and a lip ring (with plans to get more tats and piercings on my face) I work for a financial institution as well like your fiancé.

Though not customer facing. I'm looking to finger tattoos next. I don't think it's a big deal where i work or where I live in my area of Canada.

Maybe i think that way because I don't care what people think of my appearance. I want them to judge me for my actions and how I treat them. Not for my looks or how I choose to express myself.

gripe22 writes:

NTA. So, I’m a huge tattoo enthusiast, it’s practically a hobby at this point. I just got the top of one of my hands done. I thought incredibly long and hard about getting it, discussed it extensively with family & friends and my artist.

I have a few tattoos and currently have 24 more planned. I’m not even sure I’ll ever get a face tattoo, and I am waiting to cover my arms and legs more before I get the really obvious neck tattoos I want.

This just doesn’t sound healthy to me. A face tattoo is a huge commitment, and not thinking about how it will impact anything at all shows some really manic decision making. I think your fiance may need to see a doctor or psych person.

Could she be having a breakdown? Could she possibly be having a bad reaction to a pregnancy or maybe some medication? Please take her to be checked out because as a huge ink enthusiast, this feels very very off. Wishing both of you luck in figuring this out :)

And now, OP's first update:

Wow, uh, this got some attention huh? I read through the replies, but I can't really respond to all of you so I'll just update here. The engagement is pretty much off. Kim has told me she never wants to see me again and I woke up this morning with her ring and a box of stuff I gave her on my porch.

I don't know what's going on with her. Her sister and family have been trying their best, but nothing on their end is working. I brought up to her sister the idea this is a mental breakdown and they are looking into getting her help. It's painfully slow, considering Kim is not responding to anything and is refusing to talk to anyone.

I really don't know what to say here, I guess? To answer some questions, Kim is 29, and I'm 28. In the 7 years, I've known her, she has never acted like this at all. She had a good relationship with her parents and while they were a bit overbearing at times, they supported her in going to college and getting a career rather than starting a family.

From what I've gathered, they probably would have been fine with any tattoo she got as long as it was not on her face, neck, or hands. Even then, this kind of behavior is as far from Kim as I could have imagined.

She just, lost her mind out of nowhere? It's not like I can do anything about it either. She's blocked my number and does not want to see me. I'm just at a loss for words. One day I'm engaged, and the net I'm not and my Ex has a face tattoo...

Update 2 (8 months later):

About 9 months ago, my ex-fiancee "Kim" got a face tattoo without telling anyone. This was just the start of her doing everything she could to ruin her life. She broke up with me and called off our 7-year relationship when I questioned why she did this.

She worked in a client-facing job for an incredibly large financial institution and was let go within a month of showing back up for work after getting the tattoo. I kept in contact with Kim's sister hoping for some news.

They tried to get her help, as they thought she was having some kind of psychotic break. However, she eventually called the police on her own family claiming they were harassing her. After that, I decided to just walk away.

Kim didn't just destroy her own life. When she broke up with me, I felt numb. I knew this wasn't Kim doing this. I wanted to believe deep down that Kim was always like this. Always this impulsive crazy who would ruin her life by getting a face tattoo.

I tried to convince myself that I had not lost a wonderful woman who I had spent 7 years of my life with. However, the person who made these choices was not Kim. The woman who told me over the phone she hated my guts for not supporting her. The woman who wrote she hated me and only ever stayed with me out of pity.

That was not the woman I asked to marry. That was not Kim. That was someone, who I came to find out, was having a mental breakdown. That resulted in months of bad decisions that will affect the rest of her life.

The day I walked away and told her sister I could not deal with it anymore was the worst day of my life. It hit me like a train. The numbness and denial of what I lost hit me all at once. I almost quit my own job and moved back home to my parents.

I can only thank my boss for being so understanding that she let me take 4 weeks off to deal with what happened. She and the rest of my team went far beyond what should ever be expected of co-workers and management that it makes me realize how close I was to leaving a job I actually enjoy.

I never moved on from Kim, but I came to accept what had happened. I thought I was ok, until 2 weeks ago. I got a call from Kim. She had blocked my number, and done everything she could to remove me from her life.

My mind just blanked when I saw it was her calling. I picked up, and it was actually her. We didn't talk, I did not know what to say to her. We decided she would come over to my place, and we talked.

The tattoo is still there, but she's covering it up now with makeup. She says when she has the funds she's going to look into getting it removes if possible. She had lost a lot of weight since I last saw her.

She's not been able to find a new job, she'll probably need to move to a new city for that. She wasn't the Kim I had fallen in love with. She was like a shell of her, something just wasn't there anymore that used to be.

Kim told me what had happened. The year leading up to the tattoo was awful for her. The stress of everything seemed to pile up more and more. I'll respect her, and keep much of what she told me secret.

However, the thing that is important is that she secretly started doing methamphetamines to keep her performance up at work and to deal with everything.

And one day, she just out of nowhere decided she hated everything about her life. She explained why at the time she wanted the tattoo. It doesn't really make much sense, but a lot of what she was thinking at the time didn't.

And from there, she just lost control of everything. I won't talk about what happened after she disappeared, but it is not pretty. There are things she did that will follow her for the rest of her life. It explained a lot, but it did not make things any better.

We talked for nearly the entire night. She didn't leave my place till almost 4 am. Since then, she's said that she wants to try and get back together with me. She admitted she knows things cannot be the same. Yet, she wants to try.

I haven't talked to anyone about what I'm about to say yet. I've held off on talking to Kim about it because it feels selfish. But, there's something about the way Kim acts about the way it affected my life that irks me. When we talked that night, she said that I was lucky she cut me off.

I was lucky I didn't get put through any of this. I was lucky that my "crazy ex" wasn't at my door screaming or showing up to my work and causing a scene. She acts like my life wasn't affected at all. I told her what happened after she left.

How much it hurt, how I almost quit my job and moves across the country. her response was. dismissive. Like because I didn't go through with that I don't get to complain. She acted like because I was not the one with the tattoo on her face, I don't get to act like it had long-lasting effects on me.

She didn't even apologize for the explicit and hateful note she left with my things when she returned them. Or for the phone call where she called me a manipulative selfish asshole who only wanted her for her body.

Or even just for breaking up with me. She knows she was wrong to do it, but it's almost as if she's acting like because she had a breakdown, I can't hold her accountable for what she did to me because it "wasn't long-lasting."

I texted her last night, saying how hard it was for me when she left. She ignored it entirely and tried to move on. No acknowledgment at all. I don't know why, but it hurt me. It hurt me so much. I feel like I did back when all those emotions finally hit me after she left. I wish she had just never come back into my life now.

I wish I didn't know what happened. I wish I hadn't picked up the call. Because it hurts. But, a part of me feels like I'm being selfish or complaining too much. That I don't get to feel this way, because I'm not the one who had the mental breakdown.