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Man at wit's end with pregnant wife; 'I can't prepare food for you ANYMORE.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

Man at wit's end with pregnant wife; 'I can't prepare food for you ANYMORE.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

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When this man upsets his wife during her pregnancy, he asks the internet:

"AITA for not preparing my pregnant wife food?"

My wife is 5 months pregnant and has started to feel hungry a lot. She is recovering from vomiting constantly and now it's just once in a week or two. We both work from home. I try to do the majority of of household chores (cooking, dishes, laundry, cleaning, breakfast, lunch, dinner etc).

Though it's a small apartment and no kids so it's not really much work. And we typically just have milk and bread for breakfast which I bring to her bed.

She helps with cooking whenever she is feeling good and very lately she has started to cook more than me; otherwise I cook the dinner with often some assistance from her (cutting onions etc). We save the dinner for lunch next day.

It's a good going most of the time. The problem is that my wife keeps complaining to me that she is hungry and I haven't fed her.

I do offer snacks like banana, fruits and nuts but she says she is looking for some real food because she is really hungry. When I ask her what do you want me to make, she often doesn't have an answer and tells me she doesn't know but is hungry.

If I offer to make something, say, soup, or boiled potatoes she shoots it down for one reason or the other (it's carb and not good; it's too light and she is too hungry etc). This gets me visibly frustrated.

Today, she agreed to a serving of water melon which I cut and served. While cutting it, I asked her to tell me what she wants to eat because she will start complaining in while that she is hungry and I can't immediately have something ready to eat because it takes preparation. She said she is good for a while and didn't entertain my question.

As predicted, when I visited her room in an hour or so after work, she started pouting that she is hungry and I didn't feed her anything since lunch throughout the day.

This made me a bit angry because I did feed her the melon and some dry snacks. It just wasn't a proper food. Moreover, I had asked her what to eat exactly for this reason, and she had refused to answer then.

I told her she is expecting too much from me - both figuring out what to make and make them. I asked her that she should at least take responsibility for figuring out what to eat and let me know in advance. She felt like I was invalidating her and then said "Okay, won't tell you anything from now on", pouting. I got annoyed and left the room. AITA?

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

cremaaa writes:

ESH. Your current diet doesn't sound adequate. Now that her hyperemesis gravidarium is more or less under control, your wife is probably having cravings but doesn't know what she needs.

Perhaps your usual diet doesn't include what she needs to build another little human and sustain her strength. That, and her weakness from the hyperemesis, could be preventing her from being able to identify exactly what she needs to eat.

Please get yourselves some books from the library or online so you can learn more about nutrition during pregnancy.

As an example, in other threads, we've read about pregnant vegetarians craving meat. This is just an example of the body needing increased and better nutrition for this process.

Once your wife gets better nutrition, she'll feel stronger and should be able to do more of the cooking. You can both also look for solutions for other issues as her pregnancy progresses. Exercise and fresh air are also important.

I had a healthy pregnancy, exercising and working until the week before my daughter's birth, but I'm a well-fed Canadian and was fortunate enough not to have much morning sickness.

In another year or so, you'll also need to research nutrition for your little one as they grow to need more than breast milk. All my best to your family! Mom also needs prenatal vitamins that include folic acid to prevent neural tube defects.

hunbun writes:

NTA, but at the same time you gotta understand that she maybe overwhelmed with the pregnancy that she can't think straight. From experience pregnancy affects us mentally as well. We go thru a lot, our bodies are changing everyday, we are both happy and sad, our hormones make us cry for no reason.

I promise you it'll all pass. At this point do not ask her anymore just do it. Like you said, you know she's gonna be hungry, you know she's not gunna what to eat, then prep her something tasty so she doesn't have to think about it, shell probably enjoy it, and both of y'all will be way less stressed. Communication is super important here.

twaloot writes:

NTA but I will say that sometimes being pregnant makes it so nothing seems good. My last pregnancy was like that. I didn't have that many aversions other than hunks of meat (like, I could eat stir fries or pasta with meat, but a steak seemed gross) but I had a REALLY hard time picking something to eat.

It got to the point that my husband would just decide what we were eating and just took into account what I couldn't stomach.

I think what she is really wanting isn't for you ro ask her and give her options, she just wants food put in front of her. It still doesn't mean you're technically obligated to be in charge of feeding her, but if you're okay with being in charge of meals then this is likely what she needs and is having a hard time communicating it.

frag99 writes:

YTA...Your wife is pregnant. Get her some food besides milk and bread. How about eggs, sausage, cereal, pancakes, waffles, etc...for breakfast. She's craving food because your baby is sucking the nutrients from her body. A piece of watermelon isn't going to get it. Get up and go get her some groceries. Geez ...

oktrenepuer writes:

NTA. My baby-girl is nearly 5 weeks old; I had horrible, horrible nausea (vomiting 8+ times per day every day) literally until the 36 week mark and she arrived at 37 weeks & 3 days.

So I was constantly hungry because I was, ya know, supposed to be eating for 2 and had to be medicated in order to keep the victuals down… I frequently had no bloody idea what I wanted to eat, I only knew that I wanted food- now! So do you know what I did?

I waddled my behind over to the pantry or fridge and I would stare at whatever edible things we had in the house until I figured out what was least unappealing but ok for me to eat. And then I put it on a plate/in a bowl and ate it.

Look, I get feeling as though nothing in the fridge/freezer/pantry looks appealing and being so freaking hungry that it honestly feels as though your stomach is literally trying to self-digest.

But I never took it out on my husband (who was amazingly supportive while I was pregnant and now as a dad to our baby girl) - and it sounds as though you’re doing your absolute damned-est to help her. So no, definitely not TA.

I guess I will just say that the hormones really are crazy, though, and if your wife is anything like me then she will be embarrassed when she looks back on this. I’m not excusing her behaviour- what I am saying is that if this is out of character for her then I promise the hormones...

DO eventually go away & she WILL groan/want the ground to swallow her up whenever she remembers acting this way after the hormones settle down. (Ask my husband how often I would just randomly burst into tears for literally no reason).

Congratulations on your impending bundle of joy- and I promise there are so many wonderful things coming your way.

mistaa5 writes:

YTA look man her body is creating a whole new fg human being. It needs rest and calories lots of calories. It also disrupts her normal hormone levels so she gets cravings that are hard to pin point.

This is your chance to be involved in the pregnancy other than the intercourse so embrace it. Also, do nice shit for her and spoil her every chance you get, life is to short to not give all you can to the person you have chosen to spend your life and create a new life with.

bergenia writes:

Gentle YTA. Pregnancy is really tough, and if she's had a lot of nausea, it can be difficult to know what to eat.

You should keep the fridge stocked with many kinds of nutritious food that's already prepared. Prep fruit salad, a big bowl of mixed green salad, potato salad, tuna salad, chicken salad, hard boiled eggs. Have sliced meats and sliced cheese and olives and roasted nuts available.

Be patient with the moodiness and indecisiveness. Pregnancy has a lot of hormones and mood instability, and your wife wants and needs your sympathy and kindness and willingness to listen to her complain.

elphantittu writes:

NTA. My wife is a similar degree of pregnant to your wife. She too has struggled with the sickness and work and as a result I too have taken on almost all of the household duties (I already did my fair share prior to pregnancy).

As she has started to improve in the 2nd trimester we had to have a bit of a tough conversation. I was more than happy to take care of her, but I started to feel that she was taking advantage of my good nature in her expectations to be doted on despite her feeling fine most of the time.

She did not like hearing this at first but I stuck to my guns and asked her to reflect on it and she eventually came to the realisation that she was being unfair.

I still do almost everything - but when she’s feeling good she will take advantage of that as an opportunity to help me out - which is all I was asking for and I am a lot happier.

As for what to feed her- if I suggest something to my wife that she doesn’t feel like eating sometimes that alone is enough to make her dry reach. So I have learned to just say that I cannot make suggestions here, you need to tell me exactly what you want and I will get it. Currently it’s cheese and pickle sandwiches.

Update 1:

"I am glad to have made the post. It was an outlet for my frustrations which helped me become clam down. I also learned that our diet is likely inadequate, so having a covo with wife regarding that. I get to learn some different perspectives, also a good thing. I now got motivation to make some meals unasked and see how it goes.

All in all, making this post was really useful. I agree it's not a Big Conflict TM that often gets posted here, but it is still a conflict where I am unsure if I am doing anything wrong. Nevertheless, glad to have posted and thankful for all the responses."

Update 2 (6 days later):

Thanks everyone for responding to the post. While the majority of the NTA replies were reassuring to read, the most helpful ones were the NAHs and ESHs and even some YTAs.

First things first, I feel I may have unintentionally cast my wife in a somewhat unfair light. She's far from the lazy, pampered princess some may have pictured. She's on her feet a fair bit, grabbing her own snacks, sipping water, and even tossing together some rice for our lunch now and then.

She's really quite the team player around the house, always ready to lend a hand when she's feeling good. I often find myself encouraging her to kick back and rest.

The real pickle here wasn't about her helping out or not, but about her leaning on me to sort out all her meals. Reading all your comments, I had a bit of an "aha" moment - she genuinely didn't know what she felt like eating. And, to be totally transparent, this food decision deadlock isn't a new game for us.

Pre-pregnancy, we'd often volley the "No, you decide" ball until one of us gave in. Now that we've got a baby on the way, I have realized it would be quite irresponsible of both of us to let her go hungry because she can't decide. While technically her responsibility to decide, I have taken up on following some advice here.

(Quick tangent - have you ever noticed how different you can be from your partner in certain ways? Like, when I'm under the weather, I'm a big fan of sorting out my own needs - calling the doc, taking my meds, fetching my own hot water.

My wife, though? She's all about caring and pampering, even when I'm barely sniffly. It's taken me a bit of time to get used to her high-level pampering expectations, but I'm getting there!)

So, following some solid advice from this community, I snagged "Real Food for Pregnancy: The Science and Wisdom of Optimal Prenatal Nutrition" and it's been quite an eye opener. I've shared the need-to-know parts with my wife (since reading makes her a tad nervous at the moment).

We've come to realize we've been pretty off track with our nutrition. I told her we need to increase our protein consumption and have shared my plans on buying more meat and fish.

I also started following the advice of just giving her food without asking what she wants - it actually works. Overall, I think this is making her feel that I care about her diet (and her) and our relationship has improved. I also feel pretty good about our diet now.

In a nutshell, we're making progress. She seems more at ease with our meal situation and I'm feeling pretty good about getting our nutrition on track.

Sources: Reddit
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