Man worried when GF acts strange after business trip; 'Is this mental illness or did something bad happen?' UPDATED

When this man is worried about his GF, he asks the internet:

"My (32M) GF (27F) acting strange after business trip. What do I do?"

We have been together for a year and a half and our relationship has been good up to this point. She was out for 5 days for a business trip to a conference. Without disclosing much, we both work in the same field but not a lot of overlap

The conference would debut a project she had been working on. I did not go, because of my own work, but she went with her coworkers on the project and everyone seemed to have a great time.

I picked her up from the airport two nights ago, and when I went in for a hug and kiss she didn't return it and just went to grab her luggage. The whole ride home, she was basically catatonic. She didn't want to talk much, and would either ignore me, give a delayed, short answer, or be very short with me.

The only thing I could get when I asked what's wrong was "I'm tired". When we got home, I reheated some food for her while she was in the shower. After the shower, she took her bowl but dropped it on the way to the table and immediately started crying.

I tried to comfort her and give her mine, but she angrily said she wasn't hungry and was going to bed and went to our bedroom, where she ripped the blankets and her pillow off of the bed, brought them into her office to the bed she uses for naps and closed the door.

She hasn't really left her office since. We are now on day 2, but I do see she is coming out of her office for food. I've sent texts asking to talk but she hasn't responded. The door is locked, but if I knock she will say she's okay but napping. She won't talk to me and I don't really know what's wrong.

Obviously, something major happened. I checked social media but everyone was smiles online. I spoke to my friend who went with her (he worked with her on the project), and asked how it all went that first night.

He felt the trip went well and everyone had a good time. I inquired more about GF after, and he did tell me there was a part of the trip about halfway through where she started crying over lunch, but he didn't have any other details.

I don't really think she is cheating, but I also don't know what could cause this. Any help? TLDR: GF is acting strange after her business trip. What do I do?

Before we give you OP's update, let's read some too comments:

EmceeSuzyWe cannot guess at this. You are going to have to talk with her. She may be sick, she may be pregnant, she may have been assaulted, she may have cheated, she may have learned something about you while she was gone that has made her very angry. There are more things that my have happened but those are my top 5.

agheytpuw writes:

Many things may have happened on her business trip. Whatever it is, it severely shook her. Sure, infidelity may be a thing, but based on her down mood I wouldn’t call this the most likely option. In just about every other scenario I can think of, what she needs right now is a friend who is there for her.

As luck would have it, she has you. Now all that she needs is to trust you will be there to comfort her no matter what. Not saying this is the case but if she got assaulted somehow, chances are she is feeling a lot of shame and guilt.

What you have to do now is create an opening for her to share what’s on her mind and for you to listen and support her in a way that is about her.

There really is only one scenario where you can make it about you (infidelity), outside of that this is a time for support and triage. Make her feel at home, get her nice snacks, give her space without shutting yourself out and then see what happens. Oh and above all, keep your cool. Good luck OP.

flae writes:

Since you guys live together, this is extremely strange behaviour. Stop asking around to other people for a bit and confront her, in a calm manner of course. Knock on her office door and tell her that her behaviour is concerning you and making you feel anxious, and that you have given her time and space...

but that she needs to open up about what's going on now. You can't force her to say anything, and you especially can't get mad at her (because she might be going through something traumatic), but I think you've given her enough time on her own and that she needs to open up to you before this goes on for too long.

Update:

Thank you to everyone who showed concern regarding my GF. I stopped responding to the comments because they were overwhelming and it wasn't helpful for me to read that stuff when I was at work and couldn't do anything about it. I've been pretty slammed with work, and the demands for updates in the comments and inbox have also been overwhelming.

With so many people assuming an assault and asking for details, it felt voyeuristic, where people wanted a window into my GF's suffering. That disturbed both of us.

Ultimately, I decided to update because there was no cheating or assault at all, despite almost everyone thinking it was definitely one of the two cases. I'll give my GF the name "Lily", my/our friend who was on the trip "Jake", and her close friend and roommate on the trip "Jane", for ease.

I called Jane (despite people saying no), and asked about the trip. Jane remarked that Lily was "very tired" and "wouldn't talk much" outside of the days on the business trip, and that was consistent from day 1.

I asked if she felt like something happened, she said no. I asked if she felt like Jake might have done something, she said absolutely not. When I came back from work, I saw signs Lily was more functional, as she had done some cleaning. I took the chance to ask if she wanted food, she agreed. We ate a meal, and I broached the subject.

The missing piece to the puzzle is that Lily has ADHD. This was an important fact, but one I forget as she manages it well. I tend to think of what are symptoms more as cute GF quirks, because a lot of general ADHD behaviors she mitigates, like forgetfulness.

What happened on the trip is that to save money, she shared a room with Jane, which she has done on short bursts but never for such long of a trip. As I mentioned, it was a business trip, so although Lily had a lot of fun, she was working both physically and socially for up to 20 hours at a time.

She had nowhere to go and reset at the end of this. She had enough emotional gas to come home, but she had some flight delay issues at a very busy airport and by the time she came home, she couldn't make it.

She also felt like my asking of her trip in the car was like an interrogation because of her mental state. Her ADHD has never come like this because she manages it well and hasn't been in this environment in a long time.

We decided that from now on, she should have her hotel room by herself (or with me) regardless of the cost. I also agreed to not ask any questions when I pick her up from her flight, and she will instead tell me what she wants. If not, I will ask another day. We came up with some other plans so that I know how she is when she comes home.

Saturday night we went to an event, she had fun, but crashed immediately at home. It was more on the scale I am used to after a 3 day trip. She has cleared her schedule for the next week to recuperate.

Tl;dr: She is fine, I am fine, we all are fine.

Edit:

Everyone is stuck on Lily's travel expense. I have copied and pasted the comment, for those unable to search on their own. This better explains Lily's job.

Think about when you go to a convention, where someone is selling items at a table. These individuals have to often buy their booth and pay for their hotel to travel to the convention. I use the term business trip because for Lily, Jake, and Jane, this is a business trip. They are there on business, not vacation.

Additionally, many people are convinced this is an excuse to cover consistent bad behavior. It has never happened before. She was stuck in the most crowded airport in the country for seven hours longer than she was supposed to be. She hadn't slept for five days, and hadn't eaten in a day.

This lead her to a point where she felt sick, and by the time she came home it is 1:30am and she is exhausted and hungry. This was an exceptionally bad day for her, which resulted in her behavior. It was not out of malice or entitlement, and it is not how she would act in any other situation. Everyone deserves a little grace now and then, which is something that redditors do not seem to understand.

For those convinced that she is lying, and still must be assaulted or have cheated , those who are just being rude because its the internet, or for those who choose to waste their comments pretending to be Lily's doctor, I hope you find a better hobby in your life. I hope you can find the resources to deal with your immaturity.

I am done with this account. The problem is solved, and the update is there. If nothing else, I have learned that reddit is a terrible place to receive any kind of advice.

RELEVANT COMMENT

merlinshairyballs

As a fellow ADHDer who travels to conferences for work, often has to share a hotel room, and has to be “on” the entire weekend….i fg knew it lol. It’s really overwhelming and throw in a bad travel day and you’re just over the top.

I’m glad she’s ok, just give her some alone time to let her batteries recharge.