'Manipulative' ex stalks dumped GF after office crush calls him 'trash.' AITA? + UPDATE
"My ex dumped me in January after 9 years together because he didn’t think I was wife material now he reached out wanting to talk because he needs to get something off his chest I don’t know why he doing this or if I should met him?"
I was with my ex who I will call Nate because if I’m being honest minus betraying a friend I was a Cassie. I don’t want to go to much into the details but for the last nine years, I lost myself to Nate. He was my world; everything I did was for him.
I helped him though depression, helped him get/keep his grades up even worked two jobs so he could focus on collage when his parents disowned him for nearly 3 years because they didn’t agree with the major or college he chose. Bear in mind, I was also a college student.
When his parents started talking to him again and started to financially support him, we moved into a new apartment. Nate said he wanted me to quit my job (I didn’t) because it was his turn to take care of me. For 16 months, everything was great. He spoiled me. Then, I noticed he was more interested in his new friends. At times, he ignored me completely.
Back in December, he did a 180 and he love bombed me the whole month. He really went out of his way to make Christmas magical for me i honestly believed he was going to propose on January the 2nd.
He made me my favourite dinner and made this speech about me being his first love how I’ve been there since high school I kept thinking any minute now he’s gonna ask me to marry him.
But no he dumped me as his speech went on my world fell apart and as much he tried to sugar coat it he basically said “you were a good girlfriend but that’s what you always be to me a girlfriend I don’t see you as my wife or the mother of my children blah blah you served your purpose now I don’t need you anymore blah blah I need someone on my level blah blah you’re a gold digger blah I’ll give you 30 days to move out”.
I couldn’t speak and he stared at me looking for a response. I think this lasted 20 minutes before he said he’d sleep in the guest room then left. Strangely, I didn’t cry or get angry, I just ordered cardboard boxes online then went to bed.
The next day, I waited for him to leave the apartment before I left my room then I called my boss and asked (begged really) if I could transfer anywhere. She told me there wasn’t anything but if something came up in my department she’d consider me.
I then reached out to everyone I knew that wasn’t also Nate’s friend for a place to stay. My cousin invited me to stay in her spare room for as long as I needed and I could move in straight away so that was amazing. In the four days it took me to pack my stuff and move out, I didn’t see or speak to Nate. I doubt he even noticed.
I didn’t trust myself at the time to ignore a “you up" text so I blocked him and everyone close to him, even changed me number/email to make sure he couldn’t reach me. The first night at my cousins was the night everything hit me. I think I cried every night the first month. I honestly felt like garbage.
I thought about what Nate said over and over again. It made me feel so low like I was nothing. He only stayed with me because I was just there but thankfully my cousin sent for my mom, other cousins and real friends to give me an intervention which I badly needed. I believe that first month I wouldn’t have made it without my cousin.
I’m still healing and waiting on that job transfer because I feel like if I’m not in the same city as Nate and I have a place of my own the fresh start would do me the world of good.
I thought by now I’d be a distant memory for Nate but shockingly he sent flowers to my job today for my birthday which was on Sunday. Apparently he went to my parents' house looking for me too and my mom admitted he’s been by before dropping off stuff and tried to ask questions about me but they told him to eff off.
The flowers came with a card saying “Dear Cassie, Happy Belated Birthday I’ve been thinking about you for non stop for the last few months especially with how everything ended I need to get something off my chest that I feel will haunt me for the rest of my life if I don’t tell you this to your face but I’ve no way of contacting you if it’s possible can we meet up in the near future -Nate”.
What could he want? What’s haunting him he needs to say to my face? Everyone in my life is telling me ignore him but they hate him. I’m torn but I can’t lie, my curiosity is telling me meet him to see what he wants. Has anyone been in my shoes or in Nates?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
The girl he was seeing or hoping to cheat with didn't work out and he can't be alone so he's trying to get back together. You are worth more than this. Don't fall for it and keep making plans for your life. Better things await!
Do you really need to know that he cheated on you, or was drinking, doing drugs, gambling or that his parents hate you.
I think it’s probably going to be a long winded attempt at getting back together. You could go and see what he wants to say for your own satisfaction, but ask yourself if this meet up will negatively affect your progress of moving on, or if you’re open because you want him back.
I don't know, but it seems like he has a track record of doing super amazing things before dropping the life-altering decisions he made unanimously. At this point he's going to tell you he was seeing someone else.
If it's the opposite from that, then it should just be done over the phone. Because a statement that could lead back to a relationship needs more than a statement, it needs hard work. If it's a life and death situation, then still, better to do it over the phone. You didn't deserve the way you were let go.
His treatment of you is: selfish, entitled, disrespectful, and shows zero empathy for you as a human being. And his wanting to meet with you (or have any contact) is further proof all the above applies. Remain a ghost with zero contact.
Five days later, the OP returned with an update.
So we ended up meeting and no I didn’t go to him. I had told the receptionist at my work if he came looking for just to say I’m out for the day after he showed up once. I didn’t want the drama of him around my job.
So Nate just kept going to my usual places like the grocery store I go every Saturday evening or the park I ran at Sunday mornings (his words) till he would eventually run into me.
And he did yesterday. He was waiting at the coffee shop I go to after my morning run. When I saw him, I tried to turn around and leave but he kept calling me so I thought to myself, if everything went pear shaped, a coffee shop would be safer than my walk home.
So I just sat down and asked him what he wanted. He gave an apology that wasn’t an apology. You know the type with “I’m sorry but” and “pity me”. He blamed his mental health, his job his parents, his friends, everyone but himself.
I took someone’s advice on here and said “cut the crap, I already know everything” he genuinely looked shocked and stared at me for a second. I guess he thought his coworker already told me everything so he couldn’t lie.
Here’s what really happened. He fell for a girl in his office. When he told me her name, I knew her immediately. I’ve met her a few times. He told for the last two years he idolized her (to be fair she’s beautiful with an amazing personality) and he hated me because I was the one stopping them from being together because his coworker was too classy to be a side piece.
When he broke up with me, he confessed to her that he was madly in love with her and he ended a 9 year relationship to be with her. Well here’s were it gets funny she doesn’t even like him lol.
She called him a piece of trash and told him if he ever spoke to her outside of work, she’d report him to HR. So I asked him what has any of this got to do with me like we are over I clearly cut ties there’s no reason for us to speak?
He wants to try again promised we’d get married before the year ends, that we belong together. I told him no, I’m nobody's second choice. He threw me away after 9 years and said some pretty cruel things to me and now he thinks if he snaps his fingers I’ll come running back. He tried to beg and fake tears bringing up the good times in our relationship.
I told him please to leave me alone as he wasted too much of my time already. I texted my cousin to meet me at the coffee shop. He kept saying nonsense, even suggested if I went to couples counseling for a few months, he’d leave me alone. The 20 minutes it took for my cousin to arrive felt like 20 years.
In the end, I just stopped listening and stood at the counter making small talk with baristas until my cousin arrived. She told him to eff off and if he tried to follow us ,she’d call her brothers. He stayed in the coffee shop as far as I know and we just went home. That’s it. It’s only been a day but I feel like it’s over and I’m free of him.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Girl, NTA. You handled that like a queen. He threw away 9 years chasing a fantasy, got rejected, and thought you’d be waiting like a backup plan? Nah. You chose you, and I’m clapping for it.
Pity you didn't tell him: "turns out, you're the one that's not husband material, if you can say things like 'she's too classy to be a side piece', it means you'll never be a faithful, good, husband".
Haha he got embarrassed. Sounds like that girl has some understanding of how people show who they really are. He did you a giant favor. Never interact with the scumbag again. The embarrassment will eat him up inside forever.
I am so sorry he took you for granted! And wish you all the best! Thank you for the update and glad he wasn't putting your health at risk for cheating. Even if he secretly resented and compared you negatively to someone who wouldn't give him the time of day.
the way he haunted ur routine spots like a broke ghost is actually insane. like sir ur crush said no and now u wanna play house with the woman u emotionally wrecked?? you gave him almost a decade and he gave u an “i’m sorry but” and a delusion.
you didn’t just dodge a bullet, u dodged a whole dumb sitcom plot. u handled that with more grace than most would and I hope ur coffee was hot and your peace is louder than his fake tears.