Man's engagement ruined due to a ring. 'Even my parents won't bless this marriage.' AITA? UPDATED 2X OVER 6 MONTHS
When this man's engagement is ruined over a ring, he asks the internet:
"My engagement was completely ruined over a ring. AITA?"
My partner and I have been together for 3 years. We both love each other since the very beginning. She has brought up the topic of marriage for a while, and so I decided to I proposed to her last month in Korea where she grew up. I custom made the gold ring...
with a ruby and 3 diamonds on each side, but asked my parents to make it with their regular jewellery shop they've been going to for a while, out of town.
I also organised a professional photographer, then asked her to marry me in a tradional korean village. She said yes and everything went very smoothly, except that the ring was too big. She stayed a bit longer in Korea while I returned home for work.
She went with her mom to a jewellery shop the following week, and asked the ring to be made smaller. The issue started when the shop attendant said the whole ring was fake; the gold, ruby, and the diamonds. I paid $1500 for the ring, not a crazy amount, but i thought it was a pretty ring.
She went to 4 different shops and everyone said pretty much the same thing. One shop valued the ring at only $30-40. My partner and her mom were understanding at first, saying that we would not have known.
When she came back from Korea, she told me that her parents were very upset about the ring and that my parents (because they 'made' the ring) only valued her $30. They refused to meet my parents which was initially organized for the end of the year.
Her mom said to her that it would be better if I admitted about the fake ring, with a view of buying a proper one in the future. These implied that we gave her a fake ring on purpose. My parents were very upset and told me that they wont bless our marriage.
Question: Is the ring really the problem here? Im not sure how to move forward now. I never knew a ring can potentially break our 3 year long relationship.
edit : none of us knew it was 'fake'. a few days ago, i tested it with an xray at a pawn shop, the gold is real. not sure about the ruby and diamonds. if anyone is curious how the ring looks like. i have apologised multiple times and showed them the receipt.
we are both asians, families play a big role in our marriage.
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
hahat writes:
Get an independent appraisal done by a gemologist that’s not connected to your family. Have the ring properly appraised by an independent third party with no skin in the game. You stated in your edit that a pawn shop has tested the gold and found it to be genuine; so keep going and get the ring fully appraised.
If the ring, after an independent appraisal, is found to be genuine gold, diamond, and ruby - what then? Your fiancée thinks it’s fake as does her family. You accused your parents of scamming you. And now, instead of being adults and communicating, her parents won’t meet yours and yours are rightly upset by this.
So. Get it appraised. Heck, before the appraisal go to an independent jeweler and have the stones diamond tested. If the ring is real, your fiancés parents have a lot of crow to eat. If the ring is fake, your parents have a very shady business and they need to make this right.
concho087 writes:
If you have the receipt, doesn’t it detail whether you paid for genuine gold, diamonds and rubies? Did it come with some type of appraisal or documentation on the gemstone?
If you had the ring made, you would have selected the gemstone and they would have told you about the ruby you selected. When selecting a gemstone, there’s more to consider than just price.
There’s the cut, color, etc. There’s usually some type of documentation citing the source of the stone or diamond. Who has that documentation now? Did it ever exist?
Either the jeweler is a crook, your parents kept part of the money and bought a crappy ring, OR… any chance you bought a real ring but your fiancée is the crook? Could she have swapped out the stones?
Did you have any other jewelers or pawnshops touch it? Was it out of your sight? If so, they could have swapped it too.
You should start with your parents and the jeweler. You should demand all paperwork for the ring and gemstones. Your parents should be checking ALLL of thier own jewelry or at least be suspicious of the jeweler.
sconceee writes:
You need to sit down with your fiancé and tell her what happened, and she needs to talk some sense into her parents and you need to talk some sense into your parents. You also need to go back to the jeweler that you bought that ring up and ask them WTF, get your money back, and then go somewhere else and get a new ring.
If they won’t give you your money back, then you need to threaten to sue them and take them to small claims court. Is your fiancé upset? What is her take on this? Does she believe you? I would say if she doesn’t believe you, and if she still on her parents side that you may need to reevaluate your relationship.
She needs to be on your side and believe you. You have the proof, but even if you didn’t have the proof, she needs to be on your side, no matter what. You guys are going to get married she needs to put her parents in their place, and I think you need to also talk some sense into your parents.
I understanding your culture that parents are really important for marriage and they play big role in it but you guys need to figure out how to move past this and your fiancé needs to make her parents believe that you were lied to and you had absolutely no idea that the ring is fake.
gaga63$ writes:
I think that the parents are feeling very disrespected because they feel in no way you could not have known, or feeling your parents knew. If your parents did know the relationship may be dead in the water.
I would have a conversation with the jeweler and record it if you can and try to reconcile the issue with them as a misunderstanding at least unless they actually knowingly scammed you in which case take legal action.
Obviously if you bought from them and it was $1,500 and you have a trail of communication with the jeweler your partners parents have no reason to not believe you. Maybe it is coming down to word of mouth.
I think that healing the relationship with your partners parents come first and then the issue between your parents can be reconciled. I think if they trust you so little that they think you knowingly did this and need to come clean and they hold on to that after giving them evidence it will not work out.
I think in this though you still need to let them know your intention of buying a “real” ring because this is obviously important to her family and also possibly her.
I think your partner needs to start backing you up though on both sides and needs to apologize to your parents as well.
If it does not get reconciled before it is time to get married I think you should break the marriage because if both your parents do not agree it will be an extremely difficult thing to overcome.
cheezaypuizaazz writes:
It's not really about the ring itself, it's about someone lying. Her parents think it's your parents that are lying. If they truly believe they were scammed, they should be going back to that jeweler and get the police and everything involved. Because there would probably be more people who got scammed.
If your parents were lying, it's saying a lot about what they think of your marriage with her. It says that she isn't worth buying an expensive ring for because you're going to break up soon anyway or because they just don't like her. I understand her parents don't want to meet your parents anymore since they think this.
So why isn't anyone making a bigger deal about this jewelry shop? Because of that, I'm inclined to not believe your parents. But maybe you've left out some info? Another option could be that the ring is real but all those shops were just wrong.
kdee9 writes:
Honestly, this whole thing sounds kind of funky from both ends to me. Firstly, I would take that ring to a reputable jeweler other than the ones your parents use but also still in your current country of residence. It's possible her parents could be running game and lying to you about it being fake.
On the other end, you should definitely do some investigation on the jeweler that your parents use and if he's actually legitimate.
And lastly and more important, if she is willing to torpedo your whole relationship over the opinions of her parents and isn't willing to hear you out as her partner, you have to consider whether the relationship is worth salvaging.
It's because all this means is that she is going to value the opinion of her parents above yours anytime there is a conflict for the rest of your life. And you need to consider how important that is to you.
If the ring is visually appealing to her I don't see why any of this matters. You could do way more with the money it would cost to buy a ring than to just waste it on jewelry.
The relationship and the connection should be more importantly than a ring. You could use that money to invest or go on vacation or do something else to establish the value of the relationship in a more meaningful way.
But if her family is so stuck on the value of a silly piece of metal on your hand... It might just be cooked honestly
pixatron writes:
Your parents have snuck away with the money and given you a cheap ring and now they are trying to distract from their wrong doing.
Even if they didn't do it on purpose and the real culprit is the jeweller that your family use your parents (and you yourself) should be trying to understand where the scam was done and making steps to resolve this issue with your fiancees family.
Anyone would be upset about a fake ring and the insinuation of the meaning and value that has, especially more traditional or culturally significant families. You're getting upset over the wrong thing. Focus on understanding the scam, who the culprit was.
Send receipts to your fiancee of how much you spent if you need to to let them know that your intention was real. I'm not sure how much rings are in Korea, but $1.5K won't get a very nice ring, diamonds with clarity or 'fire'. Your main gem is a ruby which should have helped you cut costs.
Ultimately, you fd up because you didn't get this done properly and arranged it to be done by your parents.
Take accountability and make steps for reparation/solving the issue with your fiancee and her family.
OP responds to this comment:
thanks. this is exactly what im looking for. i have sent them the receipt and checked the gold in the ring, which was real. going to put the diamonds and the ruby in the lab next week. i think the trust has been broken, and its now about how i restore and build the trust again.
i initially asked them to make it because the shop is a small business and local to us, they offer flexibility and the fee is cheaper than the big brands. My partner and I are into FIRE (financial independence, retire early), so i try to get a good value for everything.
And now, OP's first major update:
where my fiancé's parents are upset and accused my parents of intentionally giving a 'fake' engagement ring.
Tested it in the lab, and it's a natural ruby from burma. They can guarantee the result, and can offer insurance letter.
They said there is a natural crack in the ruby and natural inclusion(?). probably a jewelery expert can shed some light into what these mean.
Unfortunately, because the ring is now 'genuine', my parents are more upset about the accusation. On the other hand, my fiancé's parents dont really trust the result. This is a major trust issue.
We decided to let things settle before we discuss our intention of staying together and get married.
Question: Any suggestion on how to approach this situation? The ruby is a genuine natural ruby.
More info from OP:
no apologies so far. as i wrote on my previous post, i apologised to them in the beginning, thinking it was a fake ring. i asked if she defended me in front of her parents when they were upset. it didnt sound like it. she paused for a good 15-20 seconds before saying she did her best to calm them down.
im more inclined to break up now, but cant get myself to pull the trigger. she has many good traits that i value, but i do see whats happening now as a major issue.
i seem to give in and follow what she wants most of the time. i went to korea for the proposal because of her high expectation. she wanted a surprise proposal like what you see on social media. i spent 3 months trying to figure out what i had to do.
to add to the context, she didnt really wanna join any of my family's gatherings. for example, she didnt attend my sisters wedding because she wanted to have a holiday with her family. however, she did give her a very nice wedding gift. my family didnt really like her even before this happened. they didnt hate her in any way, and there was no intention to make the ring fake (its tested real anyway).
traada6 writes:
Thank you for the update. Well done, you did everything right. And now you know: it's not about the ring. It probably never was. Her family will be impossible to please because they have just decided they don't like you. They will now look for another "reason" to hate you.
So it comes down to just you and your fiancée (as it always should have done). What does she think? Does she understand how you are the victim here? Does she understand how her parents are actively trying to sabotage your relationship with her?
Is she prepared to be independent from them, to ignore their "advice, to defy them, to take your side, to marry you? Is she on your side?
I think allowing her a couple of weeks before having that discussion is a good idea of she is living with you, but a bad idea if she is living with her parents. Because her parents are pouring poison into her ears about you.
OP writes:
Thank you. she lives with me. we have been living together for 2 years. she said the result doesnt matter anymore. but i do believe it matters. it shows how her family resolves conflicts, should it arises.
oh i should clarify that the result doesnt matter anymore because she believes its fake. no matter what tests we do, the jeweler stores in Korea said it was fake and she believes them. those were her own words.
And now, OP's second major update a few months later:
3 weeks ago we decided to take a month's break. i know taking a break is pretty much a break up, but i said yes.
I asked her today if she has spoken to her parents about the ring and about us in general.
To this date, she hasn't. I have been fighting very often with my parents to defend her. My parents also got more upset when they learnt she hasn’t spoken to her parents at all.
I asked her why, and she said at this stage she is very happy being alone, because she does not have to worry about our relationship.
and so, I ended it. I feel like i have been fighting this battle on my own. I have had a few relationships and break ups in the past, but this time, it really crushes me.
Readers continued to weigh in on OP's story:
It was never the ring or relationship. It was for them to show off. Any part of the asia has this issue. My mother didn't like my husband and so she try to make all kind of accusations against him.
Even she told me he received her call on my phone and hung up on her. There are so many like this. But she couldn't do anything cz I have the trust on my husband and i stood up for us. If she can't stand up for u then its better for u to take separate way .
Also where ring means more then relationship and the person then its not worth it. My husband didn't spend anything for the rings cz my mother in law kept her rings for him. That doesn't mean he loves me any less.
Materials fade away. She won't ever be happy. I have seen this type of people. I can guarantee you. They are looking for rich lavish Korean. Not genuine love.