Man's sister with borderline personality disorder inspires his GF to ask for a prenup. AITA?
"AITA for wanting a prenup because of my BF's sister?"
My bf (27M) and I (25F) have been dating for 2 years and marriage is being discussed. In those discussions I brought up wanting a prenup. He was initially ok with it but wanted to know why. I made it clear it was because of my bf’s sister.
His sister has been diagnosed (a year ago) with border line personality disorder. She had been though a lot of diagnoses (bipolar, GAD, depression etc) so I’m not sure if this is the final one but the symptoms seems to line up. Basically his sister self destructs her own life and is very volatile.
She has quit a job on a dime because a boss reminded her not to be late (she was late over 20 min) so she quit after breaking dishes. Normally this wouldn’t be my problem but my bf and his family think because he is the older brother he is responsible for her. He has paid for her rent multiple times and even bought her a used car when she was homeless.
I told him I want a mandatory savings account where we contribute a percentage of our salary and no one can touch it. He is responsible for some of the bills that he must pay and he must contribute to the saving account. Otherwise he would completely empty out savings and I’ve had to loan him money.
What’s worse is he is older and if he has no savings and gets sick or needs to take time off then I’m paying for those things. Basically I do feel like his sister is an anchor and I want the prenup structured to make sure he has to save some of his money, and pay his bills, so he doesn’t just spend all his money on her and I’m left taking care of everything. I have worried this could lead to a divorce and I want it settled before children.
He obviously is not happy and thinks if I’m marrying him then his sister is now my sister and I should be happy to help her. I told him I’m not and he can help her after his bills are paid and he has savings but otherwise I don’t want anything to do with her. I’ve met her several times and she seems like she’s on something half the time.
He thinks I’m the ahole for not wanting to help his sister and wanting to prenup to prevent him from using all his money to “help” her. He’s spent thousands helping her and I don’t see her getting any better.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Careless_League_9494 said:
NTA. You are choosing to take steps to protect yourself from his financial irresponsibility. You are not asking for any unreasonable conditions, and they are actually very smart standards to set. My only question on your judgment is why you want to marry someone who is actively attempting to guilt trip you into risking your financial stability?
United_Fig_6519 said:
NTA "if I’m marrying him then his sister is now my sister and I should be happy to help her" there is the proof why you need prenup...he is already thinking that she is his and your future responsibility.
cassowary32 said:
NTA. But I'm not sure a prenup will offer enough protection. When he goes into debt rescuing her, you'll still be responsible for half of it if you marry.
Revolutionary_Let_39 said:
I’d highly recommend not marrying this man. If it’s an issue now, it’s only going to get worse over time. If you do marry him, then absolutely get a prenup. Make sure you find a lawyer that is aware of your concerns and writes the contract accordingly. You will definitely regret going through with the marriage without protecting yourself (and your future children) first. Don’t back down on this. NTA.
Laiko_Kairen said:
Honestly, you have a very strong and well thought out argument. It's hard to argue with "I don't want my marital contributions destroyed when your sister has an episode." What you're doing is buffering yourself from the potential chaos she could cause. I think your husband will be better off long term if he follows a damage mitigation plan like you've put forward. Nta. Quite intelligent, I think.
Opposite_Actuary_602 said:
NTA. Your plan is very sound. Unfortunately, your husband will not follow it, and it is doomed to fail. His past behavior proves this, as well as his current attitude. That will never change in the long-term. This will end in divorce. Do not marry him. Do not bring children into this relationship.