Two kids together. Our relationship hasn't been great for awhile, it seems like we are always trying to make it work. I'm going to try and be as unbiased with the telling of the story as I can be (a difficult thing to do, but I'll try!) It's going to be a bit long as I tend to give alot of details.
So we just bought a new house together a little over a week ago and hired a contractor to build a small half wall around a set of stairs that leads to the basement. My wife had set up an ad looking for a contractor so she was the one talking to him about times and what not.
Last Saturday she told me the contractor would be there around 11am, my youngest daughter had dance class about a 25 minute drive away at 910 am that morning. My wife asked me if I'd mind taking the other kid for a drive too as with all the stress of moving, she just needed to relax, which is understandable, she's the one who's done most of the planning.
I know she's been stressed, so I say sure. I get back close to 11 am and the contractor is there and he just started what he was there to do that day, he left awhile later.
The following day my wife starts talking about the contractors background and mentioned he had past criminal history, she then tells me he was inappropriately messaging her, and then admits she wasn't appropriate either.
I asked if she had the messages, and they had been deleted already, she said the inappropriateness didn't last long and that she was really sorry but she had stopped awhile ago. Obviously I was upset about this but I kept it together and told her I was going for a drive to clear my head and pickup something I needed.
About 5 minutes after I left, my mind went back to the previous day and remembered that my wife had asked me if I could turn the water on so she could freshen up (water to the house was shutoff due to a slow leak) and that the contractor was there with her alone before I got there that day, and that she made sure both kids were out of the house.
I turned around as something just felt off, I questioned her and she eventually spit out that she had kissed and that was all, then after more prying she admitted to more hooking up.
I was furious, I threw my cup of coffee on the ground, screamed a few expletives at her and stormed out. I was crushed and furious.
Now here is the part where I could be an ahole, my wife's parents' opinion of her has always been very important to her. I'm not going to pretend I had good motives here. I wanted to hurt her like she hurt me, so I texted her mother and told her EXACTLY what she did with the contractor.
I told my wife that her deceased father would be thoroughly ashamed of her (she has struggled with his passing, its been almost five years and it's still a struggle for her) I also sent my wife a screenshot of what I said to her mother. I realize it sounds childish that I told her mom on her more or less. But her mother's opinion of her means so much to her.
She eventually got me back to the house that night (she had told me the dog got out and was missing) but when I pulled in she told me that she had just come back, so I left again, she seemed to be having a mental health crisis, so I texted her mother and told her she needed to come down to stay with her daughter, but I would go back until she got there.
When I got there, my wife was gone already (likely only a minute or two) my two kids were asleep inside, so I obviously went in as I couldn't leave them alone, and again informed her mother of the change.
After some texting my wife pulled in and asked me to come out and talk to her. I insisted I was too pissed to have a calm conversation and I wasn't going to, she said fine and told me to sleep in the house and she would sleep in the van.
She convinced me to let her in to grab something, so I did, she wouldn't leave, I tried to leave, she eventually convinced me to sleep in the bedroom and she would sleep on the couch, I agreed, she made her way to the bedroom anyway.
Eventually we decided we wouldn't do anything too rash, I made it clear that I might still leave her yet (kids and a new house purchase makes leaving difficult). She has admitted that what she did was terrible and unforgivable, and did seem remorseful.
Over the last few days she has been trying to get me to tell her mother that what I said wasn't true (I didn't tell anyone else), complaining that it has ruined her relationship with her mom, that she is so ashamed and can't even look at her.
(She did admit she cheated and kissed the contractor, but that is all she admitted to her mom) for the first couple days I was firm in not a chance in hell would I do that. I eventually decided that I don't want to permanently damage her relationship with her mother and told her that there was a miscommunication and I jumped to conclusions.
Things had been going okish, a few blowouts here and there, but today my wife texted me and said that while she knows what she did was the worst thing ever. But she doesn't know if she can "forgive me" for telling her mother what she did and ruining their relationship. Honestly I saw red at that point, am I over reacting here? I feel like she's trying to tell me that what I did was worse and unforgivable. AITA?
Clarity edit: this was the contractor's third time at our house, and my wife had been chatting and flirting with him over the course of the week. He built a wall with drywall, so as most would probably realize you can't do all the mudding in one go.
NTA, these are all things she should have considered. And considering how long it took her to even admit that much, don't be surprised if it was more than that.
NTA. She's playing you like a fiddle (or fool...) and is already maximizing damage control. She's not remorsefully man. And don't for a second believe it was "just oral", after this carefull planning of the day. Time to end this.
Bud. Get a grip on reality on break up with her. She CHEATED ON YOU.
NTA. You're an absolute clown for staying with this woman though. You deserve better.
NTA. Get paternity tests, get tested for STDs, make HER get tested for STDs (because men can't be tested for some things that women can give them, but the women can be tested), and then leave. She sucks, you don't. Go be happy.