'Marriage hasn’t been a priority for him for years, now he’s talking rings. I'm feeling confused.'

"(31F) with (31M): Marriage hasn’t been a priority for him for years, now he’s suddenly talking rings. Feeling confused and looking for advice"

Hi everyone. I (31F) would really appreciate some outside perspective, because I feel stuck between loving my partner and slowly emotionally checking out, and I don’t fully trust my own judgment anymore. My boyfriend (31M) and I have been together for 7 years and living together for 5. Overall, we have a stable relationship. No cheating, no big drama.

He’s genuinely a kind, decent person and we get along well, which is why this feels so confusing. From the outside everything looks fine, but internally I’ve started to feel disconnected and sad about our future. Marriage has always been important to me, but not in a “big wedding” or material way. It’s more emotional and symbolic.

I’ve always hoped to be with someone who wants to marry me, to celebrate our love while we’re still young, gather our families and friends, and consciously choose each other. It’s about feeling wanted and chosen, not about money or a ring. I’ve also always said I’d like to be married before having kids. He has never really shared that same romantic view.

He isn’t against marriage, but he’s more indifferent. He says things like “if I ever get married, it would be with you,” and talks about wanting kids and growing old together, but marriage itself has never felt like a priority to him. The last couple of years he’s had genuine financial issues (a legal case, business costs, losing a lot of money). I truly understand that and I’ve tried to be supportive and patient.

I’ve told him many times that a wedding doesn’t need to cost much at all, we could literally do something small in my parents’ garden. For me it’s not about money. What hurts more is that it’s not just “I can’t right now,” but more “it’s not a priority for me.” Those are basically his words, and that difference feels big.

Meanwhile, our life feels kind of stagnant. We don’t really make plans about the future: no timelines, no concrete talks about marriage or buying a house. We just go through everyday life. When I look around and see friends moving forward, getting married, building homes, or starting families, I sometimes feel like we’re just standing still.

Recently, during a birthday weekend away, I gently brought this up and told him I felt sad and uncertain about where we’re heading. He reacted defensively at first because of money stress and said he felt cornered, but eventually admitted that marriage simply hasn’t been a priority for him. At one point he asked me, “If I didn’t propose in the next five years, would you leave me?”

That question completely broke me. I started crying because the idea of waiting another five years felt devastating, like putting my life on hold for something that might not even matter that much to him. The confusing part is what happened next.

The very next day, we walked past a jewelry store and he suddenly started asking which rings I like and talking very practically about what kind of wedding party we’d have. Instead of feeling excited, I felt uncomfortable and almost sad. It felt reactive, like damage control, not something coming from his heart.

Now I’m scared that if he proposes, it won’t feel like “I can’t wait to marry you,” but more like a “shut up ring” because he’s afraid of losing me. What makes this harder is that a few years ago, if he had proposed, I would have been the happiest woman alive. Now I’m not even sure I would say yes, and that realization scares me. I love him, but I feel myself emotionally disconnecting.

And turning 31 recently made all of this hit even harder. It suddenly feels like time isn’t endless anymore and the years are flying by. I don’t want to look back later feeling like I waited too long for someone to be sure about me. Just looking for honest advice or similar experiences...

TL;DR: 7 years together. Marriage matters to me emotionally, but he says it hasn’t been a priority. After I expressed doubts about our future, he suddenly started talking about rings and weddings. Now it feels reactive and I’m confused about what to think. Looking for perspective/advice.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

chunkymajor wrote:

It IS a shut up ring. Just for context, I didn't care about marriage either but when the love of my life said it was important to them, it was a no brainer to me. That's because I may not have cared about marriage, but I care about my partner.

Plus if I'm indifferent to something, what's the problem in doing it if it helps the person I love the most feel respected and loved. This isn't about him not marrying you yet. This is about him watching you be miserable about this and not caring.

He only cares now because there's consequences for him on the table. He knows you'll leave if he doesn't propose. But if he knew you wouldn't, he would drag his feel even more. Because he doesn't care how much this hurts you. He only cares that he shouldn't have to face any consequences. That's not love.

physical_ad5135 wrote:

Have a talk with him about his sudden change of heart. Maybe see a relationship counselor. Then you can decide if you want to marry him.

SportySue60 wrote:

Sounds like your reaction freaked him out. So the ring comments were to shut you up. He doesn’t want to marry you so why are you staying with him? At 36 it’s 5 more years to start over. You have told him marriage is important to you it isn’t to him. Stop wasting your time and end this relationship.

Whitehouses_ wrote:

When he says “It’s not a priority for me”, he’s really saying, “Your happiness and what you want is not a priority for me.” That’s why you feel sad and checked out. You’re withdrawing from him and the relationship because neither are good for you. You’ve stayed way too long and you know it.

Yes, it would be a shut-up ring to stop you from leaving. No, he still doesn’t want to get married. This is the most important thing you said in your whole post: “I’ve always hoped to be with someone who wants to marry me.” That’s the bare minimum any of us should want. So why are you denying that for yourself?

Fear and familiarity are common but very bad reasons to stay in a relationship. But equally, marrying someone who really doesn’t want to marry you is why so many marriages fail. It won’t magically fix what’s wrong with your relationship. Which is that he doesn’t love you enough. The end.

Stop wasting your own time. I know you feel like it’s going to be harder to start again, but it won’t be. The life and person you deserve is out there, but you’ll never find them stuck where you are now. Be brave. We only ever regret the things we don’t do, and I feel like that will be doubly true for you.