Married woman falls in love with dad in friend group; 'My husband's addiction is fueling my obsession.' AITA? UPDATED 2X
When this woman is freaked out by her feelings for a friend, she asks the internet:
"My (F31) Husband (M32) doesnt want to spend time with his family. Ive gotten closer to one of our friends (M31) and am now in love with him. Need help navigating this. AITA?"
I’m not sure this is the best place for this type of thing? But if theres a better place please point me in the right direction.
So, me (F31) and my husband (M32) have a 4 year old daughter together. Same old story, great in the beginning, the usual small arguments and especially since having our daughter hes way more distant. Also, he has an addiction.
Would rather spend his time playing video games than spend time with me or our daughter. Oh and if hes not playing games? Hes on youtube on his phone…watching people play games….This is a gaming addiction!!!
We have a tight friend group that I married into, so to speak. 14 of us. Everyone atleast went to highschool with eachother some went to elementary. Im the only outsider.
Around 8 months ago a couple from this group bought a house very close to ours. Naturally our daughters have became closer friends and want to do alot of things together. So she joined the same dance class as ours. The class is at 8am on Saturdays, so the dad takes her. Meet S (M31).
S and I have always gotten along, we met around 9 years ago when my husband and I got together.
The first week at class we sat together for the hour in the waiting room. Its seperate from the hall so we cant actually watch. We usually just sit in awkward silence. S is quite a funny guy so it flew by with his company.
The next week hes there and says hes going to get a coffee instead of sitting in that room. Im welcome to join if im not busy. I agree and we get in his car. We end up stuck in traffic so by the time we get there theres not much time left to sit in and have it so we get it to go and sat for 20 minutes in his car. Thats fine.
The next week he says hes doing the same thing. Im welcome to join. We go again and this time, I dont know why but I got very paranoid about it. I asked if we could just get it in the drive through and stay in the car again. He says sure and we end up passing his phone between us picking terrible songs from our childhood for the hour, it was actually quite fun.
And every week for the past 8 months has went like this and Ive not told my husband about any of it.
I lost my dad a few months ago and my husband just didnt care. No compassion. No comforting. Nothing I couldnt believe the man I married was acting this way when I needed him most.
I couldnt even cry around him without him huffing and puffing. S turned to my outlet during this time and Ive cried in his arms several times.
Through this he asked how things were at home and I was honest with him and told him Ive never felt more alone than when I’m at home with my husband.
Hes been amazing putting up with me, and had suggested a marriage counsellor, which I brought to my husband but he was having none of it. S has told me he feels differently about my husband, he had no idea he was like that and has actually made a few comments towards him about it, but as usual, way above my husbands head.
Ive lost feelings for my husband, and probably did a long time ago.vAnd have fallen for S hard. I'm obsessed with him. I feel wrecked with guilt. Confused. Hurt, sad, but all of that goes away when I see his face.
I want to add here that in no way has S ever been inappropriate to me. Hes never acted creepy, never said anything suggestable, never caught him staring, nothing at all that would suggest he has alternate motives.
But I’m ashamed to admit, the only reason we havent kissed or had se% is because hes never made a move. Im scared because the way he makes me feel I dont think I would say no or pull away.
Theres been a few times after seeing him when I get home that all I do is wish he did make a move. And that makes me a horrible fg person.
This all sounds crazy for someone I spend an hour with every morning at the weekend but its spilled over to other clubs our kids go to. Ill see him at nursery. I started matching our dog walking times some days so we will see each other. If theres an excuse to see him, I’ll find it and use it.
I know this is bad, and I need to do something about it, but when it comes to it, I never do anything, because I dont want to. Then hours after I’m battling my head telling myself I need to stop and I need to sort my marriage whether that be working on it or seperating.
I want to tell S how I feel but I dont want to look like a fool. I dont want to scare him. What if it blows up their marriage? What if our kids cant see each other? What happens to the friend group if this gets out? Its a fg mess.
I dont know what to do because we will still see each other a lot. My husband would never take our daughter to classes so I’m stuck with that. I always do the nursery runs. How can I get over him if hes everywhere?
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
vagrant writes:
YTA! You are not only a cheater but also a home wrecker too. There is no excuse for cheating. You are not only trying to destroy your child's world, that is her family, but also destroying another woman's and their daughter's family. If you truly want to change, stop going to places where you will meet your AP.
If you are not happy in your marriage, try MC. If your husband cannot understand it and is not ready to do anything to change, find a good lawyer and serve him the papers. This will make him realize what he is losing and will change.
Stop destroying other people's family by seducing other women's husbands because you are not happy with your family. Find a good therapist and get help for you wanting to seduce other people's husband.
aneighfoldaway writes:
What's with the "Husband doesn't want to spend time with his family" misdirect? This has nothing to do with anything and seems like you put it in here to try to make him the bad guy.
I mean, you don't need to have a reason to want to end your relationship. It sounds like that's exactly what you want to do. Of course you're falling into some feelings for someone else who is behaving in a kind and compassionate way to you.
That doesn't mean you're in love with him, it means you're starved for a particular type of attention. The truth is you could get this fulfilment from a ton of different people, preferably one who isn't married and an integral part of your only friend group?
Don't blow up your whole life just to avoid blowing up an already failing marriage. Focus on getting out. Change up your dog walk time to STOP seeing S so much. Stop intentionally running in to him and focus on your own shit. This is a distraction.
ripdirtbagg writes:
I assume S is married. And, hopefully, that marriage is solid and S isn’t going to jeopardize that for a little fling.
That said, OP, you don’t need to hold onto the guilt you’re feeling. Cheating gets viewed one way on this sub, and sometimes that way is the right way (zero tolerance, cheaters are e-bike, etc.).
Sometimes, however, good people cheat for complicated reasons that don’t make them a bad person. Some people need a way out, some need a shake or jolt, some need an ounce of companionship to give them the confidence to walk away. Many reasons that good people do something “wrong”.
Obviously you havent yet acted on anything, but it’s clear that you’re over your marriage. So…how about taking the time now to start the process of disentangling yourself from your husband and prepare for divorce?
Give yourself an opportunity to find a single “S” who makes you feel excited and seen again. You have a ton of life left ahead of you, and for both your and your daughters sake, find a way to spend it with someone who brings you joy and refills your cup so that you have more to give to your daughter.
sicakstop writes:
Yeah, girl, you gotta pull the parachute ripcord on this one and stop. You're feeling this way because of the distance and disdain you feel for your husband, but S is simply being a friend to you. You're at the point where any amount of kindness feels like affection, and you're STARVING for it.
To voice your feelings to S would be SELFISH and CRUEL. Time to put on your big-girl panties and confront the failures in your marriage before you do something irrevocable.
As for how you go about it: cold-turkey. Start manufacturing reasons to not go on coffee runs. Say you have a private errand to run and go read around the block, or something. Every week. After a few, S will get the hint that you're pulling back—and here's the kicker—he'll understand why.
He seems emotionally intelligent enough to see what this relationship is to you, and if he's invested in his marriage (all signs point to yes, he is), he'll abide by it. I'm sorry your marriage is dead, but do NOT take this poor man and his down with you.
420fi writes:
I was on the other side of this once. My wife’s best friend moved in on our block. My wife and I had been friends with her and her husband since college (10 years ago). During COVID we all grew very close.
We all started hanging out almost every other day. My wife’s friend and I both happen to be runners and she started going on jogs with me. We grew closer and she coming by alone when my wife wasn’t home to just share a beer.
My wife knew this, but trusted her best friend. She confided in me that her husband wasn’t affectionate and that she wasn’t satisfied in her relationship. She would tell me about how much she liked how I treated my wife.
We started getting coffee after our jogs. I never acted or cheated, but did start to catch a little bit of feelings. She was new and fresh and constantly told me how much better I was than her husband. She stroked my ego.
Things escalated, she started telling me how handsome I was, how she wished her husband would dress like me or was ambitious like me. She said I was a man while he was a boy. I advised her to leave him and find someone new. She started texting me, asking if I wanted to telework with her while her husband was away at work. I declined every time.
One day we had a party and she was helping us prep. My wife ran to the store. As soon as she left her friend got close to me and ran her hands under my shirt and leaned in to kiss me.
She’s very very attractive (looks like an instagram model.) declined and told my wife the next day. Their friendship ended. I didn’t have the heart to tell her husband (who was my friend since college.)
On my end, I was wrecked with guilt for letting it go on that long. I knew where it was heading. I felt bad for letting myself desire her so much. My marriage is good, but I started to question it. I had to block her number cause I wanted call her, every time my wife and I fought I thought of her.
I talked about it in therapy. I concluded that this woman projected everything she wanted in her husband onto me. I was caring with my wife, career ambitions, physically active, and had deep conversations.
Her husband never kissed her and spent his evenings and weekends drinking with friends or tuning up his old car in the garage, and didn’t have conversations with her. The therapist helped me understand that this woman put me on a pedestal and failed to see my flaws, only projecting everything her husband wasn’t onto me.
Ultimately I was the victim of her unsatisfactory marriage. Had I slept with her it would have ended my marriage and wrecked my wife. The guilt would have been a lot to bear. I love my wife but am still a man with desires. She exploited that for the validation she wasn’t getting at home. Don’t do this to this man.
And now, OP's update:
Seeing as my last post got an overwhelming amount of attention, I thought I would post an update. I want to thank everyone who messaged me privately all from very similar situations. Reading through your messages, its crazy to me how many people seem to be married to the same person! Its given me the strength I needed to make this decision.
Those that left not so nice messages, please think about how your words are going to impact someone. Its very easy to sit behind a computer or phone and type up the horrible things you have. Ive had people sending me messages saying I should kill myself. That my baby should be taken from me. That I’m a whore. That I shouldnt be allowed out in public.
I dont deserve those messages. No one does. A lot of people posting here will be in a vulnerable state as it is. Theres no need for it and your the one that comes off looking broken.
Ill reiterate here for the people who didnt seem to understand. Ive not slept with "S” Ive made no moves to do so. I havent kissed S, and have made no moves to do so. I said if he made a move, with my frame of mind, I think I would be in trouble. Im certain there will be other women here who know what I’m talking about regarding this.
Anyway, yesterday I kept the same routine, off out our walk with the dogs at night, home and bed. Just before jumping into bed S text me asking if I used reddit……my heart sank. I told him I did and asked why. He sent me a link to my post and said did you post this?
I admitted it was me, and waited for the ground to swallow me up. He replied with "wow" And a few minutes later text me saying not to stress. He wont tell anyone. Take the night to myself and think things over and we will talk tomorrow (which is now today). He told me we were going to sort it out, everything will be fine but we need boundaries.
I was a wreck last night, but after a few hours I calmed down. Didnt get much sleep. I read through all the messages I had gotten. And reading them and looking at my husband passed out on the otherside of the bed I was seething with anger. I have no idea why.
Thats spilled over to this morning and I’m not even going to talk it through with him. Were done. Im organising things while hes out so I can leave quickly if I need to. Im sorting a place to stay today and contacting lawyers. I can feel the relief coming and nothing he says will stop me leaving.
If he asks I’ll tell him there was someone who made me realise the life I have with him is not the life I want. I wont tell him who. Hes been given countless chances to step up to the plate and everytime he fails me and our daughter for his own selfishness. He will never change.
I havent spoken to S yet today and I dont really know how that side of things will pan out. I hope we can remain friends, but I totally understand if he wants to take a step back. I cant hold anything against him. And despite what people are telling me I want in my last post I DO NOT want to interfere in anyones marriage.
I may post another update, I may not. The last post was hard to keep ontop of. Im not sure exactly what day, but the conversation will be had before friday. Thank you for the words of encouragement, I really needed it.
OP's second update:
FURTHER UPDATE: The update above, kept being filtered out, and is now a week old. Seeing as I’m already posting this, I may aswell tell you all what has happened the past week.
I feel much better, it feels like such a relief. Husband has been trying to contact me non stop. Despite being told the only communication between us will be about our daughter, I’m not interested in hearing his bullshit anymore. This has brought his true colours out and only solidified my choice.
He has been struggling, and my 2nd night out the house I received a text from S to say my husband was currently at their house, in tears. Awkward. Hes been leaning on them for support and from what I hear, will do anything he can to get me back.
Which is odd considering the multiple messages hes sent telling me that me and our daughter ruined his life and that he never wanted any of us. I have lots of great support from friends and family, much to his chagrin.
Me and S have limited contact, though he still checks in to make sure I’m alright and if me and my daughter need anything. We spoke and we both agree, I’m experiencing limerance.
I reiterated that I’m not out to sleep with him, and that I have been in a very fragile state of mind for god knows how long. It doesnt make it any easier when it comes to his wife.
I feel horrible and fully accept it if neither of them want to remain friends. She hasnt been told yet, but will be when things have settled a bit. I already no longer feel like I’m in love with him, its more like he showed me the light, and made me realise that the way we were living wasnt normal or healthy, and that I deserve better.
My husband has his own issues, like we all do. But they dont fix themselves, and I cant waste my life away in the hopes that they do. I do hope he gets himself whatever help he needs. If not for him, for our daughter, she doesnt deserve to come 2nd to videogames and youtube.
Again, I want to thank everyone who chimed in with advice and the ones who sent me their own similar stories, and I hope anyone reading these in a similar situation can take something away from my story. Don't settle and waste as many years as I did.