'AITA for marrying the daughter of my ex wife's affair partner?' UPDATED

"AITA for marrying the daughter of my X wife's affair partner?"

ok something I want to make clear right from the beginning there is only eleven years different from me and my now wife so I'm not old enough to be her farther as I'm sure people were thinking from the title.

now that's out there I'll give you the context, I am a 35 year old male and I've been married to my second wife for coming up on a year now. things are great between both of us but my x is saying it's crazy so I thought I'd share this story and see what people think.

my x and I who I'll call H here met in college and once we graduated we got married and a year after that we had our daughter. for the first few years I honestly thought things were fine, I really thought the arguments we had were just first time parents type stuff.

looking back now I know the signs of the affair were clear but when H said she needed to work late I really believed her, at the time she made more money than I did so I thought she was working to provide for those reasons, plus I was taking a lead with the child care stuff so that meant I was distracted from a lot of stuff other people probably would have spotted.

Sounds silly now but I didn't mind H spend time away from me and our daughter because I thought she wanted to see to it that our child had a better start in life than either of us had come from.

A lot of guys probably would have found it odd how much H was talking about her boss back then but I trusted plus I had actually met the man and his family so I kind have trusted him as well.

You see the AP was married himself obviously but his wife also had cancer at the time so even did have a few doubts the idea seemed crazy because who would cheat on a wife who had cancer, that proved not to be the case though.

I'd met my now wife who I'm going to call S here before so when I found her waiting out our building one day when I was getting my daughter home from school I knew who she was but the news of the affair was hard to hear.

I had to believe it though because S had come with pictures and screen shots of messages some of which said very bad things about me and S's mum. Afterwards I confronted H and she didn't even deny it, she left me that night and by the way didn't even say anything about our child when she was walking out.

her and AP moved away within a few months and once the divorce was settled I never heard anything from her other than the few times she said now when I asked for child support. due to the lack of child support and being a single parent I had to start working a lot more than had been which had left me in a tuff spot child care wise however S was a life saver there.

She was in college by that point however she was staying at home to help her mum with everything cancer related and as she said at the time watching a child was an easy add on.

It took some getting used to for me and my daughter but eventually we got used to and my daughter started to really like S which was a big relief for me back then. I love my daughter and I do try my best but when it comes to girly girl stuff as man there's a limit to how well I can mange all that so having S and her mum was a real heaven sent there.

Also it has to be said when S made me take time for myself in those first years going to see a few movies while her mum watched my daughter was a real relief from the stress I was under.

now for a long time we were just friends and it kind of didn't occur to me that me and S could be anything more however things did change. when she graduated her family had paid for a trip for her and a friend to visit a high end restaurant and spend a few days in a city she loves.

I'd put money towards it to but I'd done it thinking S would invite one of her friends from College to go with her however she invited me and with going in to details some stuff happened that meant by the time we came back we were a couple.

about half a year after that I proposed and she said yes, sounds quick I know but I'd known S years by that point plus her mum who's cancer has been getting worse started hinting that she would like to see her daughter get married.

when it comes to the wedding S had no interest in telling her dad and her family supported that choice, for those interested her grandfather walked her down the ill. also as for my x at that point it had been years since I'd heard from her so I hadn't bothered with anything there so the wedding went off with out a hitch.

it's the honey moon when thing started though, me and S were both going without phones for the two weeks with the idea being people would only call it there was something with me daughter or S's mum.

As a result we weren't there for the ish hitting the fan which we found out about from everyone when we got back, somehow H and AP had found out about the marriage and they had turned up while we were away knocking on everyone's doors. didn't go well for them though, my daughter was staying with S's mum when AP turned up and apparently she got several neighbors involved in showing him off.

I'm told the general tag line was that it's crazy to marry a younger women just to get back at my x, crazy considering the age difference between H and AP is actually bigger, also after all of these years H is saying she cares about the message I'm sending to my daughter.

that's where I'm actually having some self doubts now actually, I do love S but I also love my daughter and I've been wondering what kind of example am I sending to my daughter. what do people here think?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Icy-Doctor23 said:

This is one heck of a story. I think your ex has no room to talk considering she abandoned her child and essentially gave up custody. You’re both grown adults what you do is your own business, but it is kind of weird.

Patient_Mousse_2465 said:

24 -35 and your wife had worked for her dad presumably for a few years. Which means you met her when she was likely in High School. That does make it a little odd and people will give the side-eye. I've seen people react differently when it's 2 strangers with a 10+ year difference.

But my vote is NTA on this one. You didn't do it for revenge. Based on your story you were feeling supported and cared for by S. It's easy to fall in love with that.

Nameless_consult said:

NTA. Given the circumstances, I don’t think you did anything wrong. It’s not like you went out seeking to find a younger replacement or something. You, S, and S’s mom were put in a very difficult situation and that bonded you 3 together. S clearly had interest in you or she wouldn’t have invited you on the trip.

S has also built a lovely relationship with your daughter based upon more than just a goal of being with you. I think your story is kinda sweet honestly. No one is going to care in a few years when the relationship is 30/41. Your ex is just jealous and acting like a kid at preschool.

She doesn’t want to play with the toy (you) but doesn’t want anyone else to have it either. She has no right to comment on the influence S has on the daughter she abandoned. Sounds like S has been more of a part of her life than your ex even before you became involved with S.

mattdvs1979 said:

Nope NTA, doesn’t sound like you groomed her or did this deliberately, so as long as you and your wife take good care of your daughter, your ex and her AP can kick rocks.

One week later, OP shared this update:

OK first thank you for all the response to my first post I really appreciate, it helped me get my head on straight.

having married a younger women I was wondering about what message that sent my daughter about who she might end up choosing when she's older however you all made me see I was being silly, thank you again for that.

what I want is for her to be with someone who loves and supports her one day that's it and I'd like to think me and S show her that when it comes to the example of our marriage, as many of you suggested. Also it should be said her and S have always got along great they all kind of stuff together, my daughter has always supported the relationship between me and my wife and she gives S mothers day presents.

Now I did read all the comments on the previous post so I want to clarify some things first being me and my now wife S. As some of you guessed yes me and my wife did first meet when she was a teenager however as one of you suggested it really didn't get much beyond knowing each others names and even then when we had met she was more interested in playing with my daughter.

My X wife worked at a law firm so we met at a few family events and at all of those events I was the one managing my daughter who was a baby at the time so my attention was very much else where.

me and s only really started to get to know each other when she told me about the affair and she was past 20 at that point and even then it was years before things started to change between the two of us.

Also nothing happened until that graduation trip I mentioned in my first post, looking back I think probably was already in love with her at that point but if not for that trip I don't think I would have ever made a move. As for the graduation trip I'm not going to share details about that on the internet for reasons I imagine you can all guess but I will say my wife very much made the first.

now I also want to clarify when it comes to S she does have a job working with her grandfather and she has her own bank account so for those of you worried about control trust me that's all fine. Also I made her sign a prenup before we got married even though she didn't want to, I love and for that reason I wanted her to always feel safe in our marriage.

some people asked in the previous post about how s manged helping her mum and watching my daughter while also doing her college work, sounds crazy I know but she's a great multitasker. I'd always be the one dropping my daughter off at school but S would pick her up on her way home from college and take her back to hers until I could get there.

as for what she did while there her mum would be in one room in bed while my daughter would be in another and she's be moving between them while doing her college work sounds like a lot I know but S really is that amazing. Also I'd add her here her mum told me once she enjoyed watching Disney princess films with my daughter because it made her feel upbeat.

now on to my x a lot of you asked about child support so I should explain that, my wife worked at a law firm so she did make a lot more money than I did so I was entitled to stuff however I made a few mistakes during the divorce.

Due to the pay difference and the fact I could demonstrate I had been supporting her in her carrier and all that I was owed alimony in addition to child support obviously and when it came to the alimony I made a deal.

my x said she would sign away her half of the house if I agreed to forgo Alimony and go to arbitration for the child support which seemed like a good deal at the time so I agreed and after the divorce we were supposed to meet and talk things out about our daughter.

I was wrong for trusting her but I believed the women would care about her child, she never came to any of our appointments and just moved away, I tried to contact her but she told me to get lost and because I didn't know where she had gone it wasn't like I could talk to her face to face.

I tried to go back to court but I couldn't afforded a lawyer at that point and honestly the idea of a man trying to get child support seemed to turn a lot of people off, past a certain point I had to let it go.

that's not the case now however, some of you asked for an update so here it is. Due to my marriage my x is now coming back looking for custody with our daughter and trying to get me in to court about all that. It's a bit of crazy move though because these days I make good money plus my new wife's family have money of there own and for obvious reasons they're very happy to help me get a great lawyer.

They tell me the child support issue plus the fact my daughter hates her mother tells me can turn this around on her. Some of you suggested going after back child support and honestly if my X had stayed away I wouldn't have bought it up but now I think I will, thank you for your support.