'AITA for matching my boyfriend’s energy after he stopped putting effort into our relationship?'
"AITA for matching my boyfriend’s energy after he stopped putting effort into our relationship?"
My boyfriend (27M) and I (25F) have been together for almost 3 years. In the beginning, he was amazing. Good morning texts. Random updates. “Drive safe” messages. Calling just to talk. Planning dates.
Over the past year though, the effort slowly disappeared. He still says he loves me. He still wants to hang out. But I’m always the one initiating conversations. If I don’t text first, we can go the whole day without talking. When I bring it up, he says he’s just busy or tired and that I’m overthinking.
What bothered me most wasn’t grand gestures. It was the small things. If he goes out with friends, no update. If he gets home late, no message. Meanwhile, when I go anywhere, I send him updates because I think it’s basic respect. I communicated this multiple times. Calmly. I told him I don’t need paragraphs. Just effort. Just consistency. Nothing really changed.
So two months ago, I decided to stop over-functioning. I stopped sending good morning texts. I stopped reminding him about plans. I stopped double texting. I stopped sending updates unless he asked. Suddenly, he noticed. He asked why I’ve been “cold” and “different.” I told him I’m just matching his energy. He said relationships aren’t a competition and I’m being petty.
But here’s the thing: when I was the only one trying, that wasn’t a problem. When I pull back, suddenly it is? Now he says I’m creating distance on purpose. I say I’m tired of carrying the emotional load alone. AITA for matching his energy instead of continuing to beg for effort?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
jebaibai wrote:
I just saw a comment saying that you are putting too much emphasis on texting. Like you're making a big deal out of something that's not really a big deal. But if it was not that important, how come he noticed and complained when you weren't texting? I feel like some of the people who give advice here are just gaslighting.
TiniestMeep wrote:
I'm leaning towards ESH. He's obviously an AH, but why are you reciprocating shitty behavior instead of just breaking up? Feels kinda toxic in my opinion. You've done all you can by communicating the situation isn't working for you and he's dismissing your concerns and feelings. He clearly isn't very interested in the relationship or he would've made changes by now.
AppropriateAd3188 wrote:
People seem to forget that relationships are supposed to contain love for the other person. I can tell this human does not have you in his heart like you want to and I’m so sorry to tell you that. If he wanted to marry you etc. he would at least send you a good morning text or one of whatever options there are
von-boyage wrote:
NTA to him, but YTA to yourself. He is communicating to you. His actions are telling you what you are to him. You just aren't listening. I have been the guy on both sides of this. If I was dating a woman who wouldn't really change my life significantly if I lost her, she isn't really at the front of my thoughts.
I don't initiate conversation because I don't think about it. Everything else is more important. Even if I am sitting around relaxing, she doesn't enter my thoughts until she reaches out. Then I remember that I haven't spoken to her in hours/days.
However, when I am crazy about her, I wake up thinking about her. Her memory makes me smile. Even when I am busy, I will remember little things that she does. This will make me call her just to say hi or send quick texts letting her know I am thinking about her.
Even if I am busy, I will set up a time I can see or talk to her when things are clear. I will send funny texts when I am in the bathroom, just to make her laugh. If I am into her, she is on my mind. I want to see her, to talk to her, so I pursue her so she knows it. The last thing i want is for her to lose interest.
However, if I am just with her because I haven't broken up yet, I forget she is there. It isn't malicious. It is just that her presence in my life is insignificant, so she isn't in my thoughts. One more note on this guy, the fact that you've communicated his lack of interest to him and it still hasn't made him change is telling.
Even with reminders, you aren't on his mind. The fact that he is trying to turn it around on you tells me that breaking up with you wouldn't change his life significantly, he just doesn't want it to be his fault. YTA if you keep putting yourself through this. Stop reminding him that you exist; that your feelings matter. He doesn't care.
TeeJee84 wrote:
"I tried talking to you about it and you disregarded my feelings, made excuses and told me I was overthinking. I needed you to understand what I felt and since talking to you like an adult failed I had to resort to this. If there's any chance for us to continue I need you to acknowledge that and improve moving forward. It's not pettiness, it's desperation." NTA.
doctorate_denied wrote:
NTA. I’ve dated men like that and if what’s happening to you is anything like what happened to me, he’s lost interest in the relationship but doesn’t want to be alone so he thinks he can just keep you around until he finds someone new. Don’t fall for the gaslighting— I did and got super burned.
Spiritual_Ad6547 wrote:
NTA. But why continue this relationship when it’s no longer healthy? You doing this wasn’t going to inspire him to change. He’s checked out. There’s no coming back.
Vir_Modestus wrote:
NTA. You two have already broken up. Make it official and free yourself up find someone who matches your energy. You've discovered something that's important to you in a relationship and you should go find that person. This bf isn't it.