'Me, a med student, with my non-medical BF who won't stop asking questions.' AITA? + UPDATE
"Me, a med student, with my non-medical BF who won't stop asking questions."
BF was one of those who wanted to go to med school til he took a few weed-out pre-med classes...Now he is in a non-science field and constantly asks me incessant questions.
He'll be watching television, see some character has some disorder, ask what causes the disorder, ask about the drugs that treat it, ask about the mechanisms for the drugs, ask why the show isn't giving those drugs and how the drugs that show is giving actually work and why that's wrong and what would happen in real life if we did that, and on and on and on...
I feel like I'm constantly being pimped. ["Pimping" is when a superior (resident/ fellow/ attending) who's evaluating you asks you medical questions. It's one of the ways clinical medicine has been taught/tested for ages...and can at times be extremely stressful.]
BF will also come to me with off the wall claims ("My coworker told me that zinc prevents all colds and 8 different types of cancer. How come you doctors don't have everyone on zinc?") and he won't leave me alone until I look into zinc and give him some reason that he finds satisfactory.
The baseline assumption is always that his non-medical coworker is correct and I have to defend why "all us doctors" are/aren't doing xyz. I've explained that this is not how I want to spend my little time off from the hospital.
When I have to look something up to shut him up, he tells me I'm lucky to be in med school and I should be happy that I'm learning things when I look them up to answer him.
I feel small, I don't usually feel small, and I can't figure out where exactly the problem is here. I know I am lucky to be in med school. I also feel super frustrated and like I'm being pimped in my own home.
Am I just being stupidly defensive? Should I just...know more things than I do?
Does anyone have a good method for dealing with this $hit?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s initial post:
Why can't he look up the answers to his own questions?
WalloryMeiss (OP)
If I tell him I don't know, the response is "You're in med school, shouldn't you know this? Shouldn't you want to know this?" And I've yet to come up with a satisfactory reason for why I don't or don't want to know it, so it ends up being faster just to look it up than to argue.
Though he keeps asking for it, your bf doesn't respect your opinion. Maybe it's sexism, or maybe it's because he knew you before you became an expert. He doesn't accept that, even though he was weeded out of your program, you could possibly be smarter than him!
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
HOLY JEEPERS that escalated quickly!!! I've never broken up with anyone before. I've been dumped or parted ways mutually but ... I summoned up all my courage and called BF to meet up.
To those of you who warned me to be prepared for gaslighting...you were spot-on. Thank you for the warning. I told him I was tired of being pimped at home, tired of arguing about whether it was appropriate for him to pimp me at home, and that I'd spent far too much time fighting him over the issue.
I told him while the questions were annoying as all hell, the fact that I'd repeatedly explained to him that it was stressful for me yet he continually disregarded that and tried to shame me into doubting myself was the bigger problem, and that his lack of respect for my comfort was a dealbreaker.
He informed me that:
He knew this was coming because I've always been an intellectual snob and his family had warned him about me from day 1.
He'd been wanting to dump me for months but he knew I needed his support throughout med school so he couldn't leave. Because he's a good guy and he would have felt so bad abandoning me.
Everyone in medicine either suffers from narcissism, autism, or OCD, so he's glad he doesn't have to interact with me or any of my friends anymore. Law school is harder than medical school, lawyers are smarter than doctors, and he will always be needed but I'll be replaced soon by Watson.
He wishes me luck dying alone and becoming one of those sad lonely old lady doctors who has to resort to banging my residents for sexual relief. My mind is freaking blown. I went home and cried and threw up. What POS did I fall in love with???? I've never seen that side of him. I'd seen anger but not .... that. I don't know guys.
I'm overwhelmed. I really thought when I posted the original question that there'd be more of a debate. Like expected some people to say oh he's just curious it's innocent, and expected to find some people be like tell this dude to STFU.
I was really blown away by all of you being able to identify and verbalize and validate what had been feeling so goddamn confusing and shitty over here. Hasn't been the most productive study day, but I'm going to go try and get some work done and at least enjoy the peace and quiet.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s update:
His words are nothing but jealousy. He's angry that you're able to cut it in med school and he couldn't. Don't let it hurt you.
WalloryMeiss (OP)
Thank you. That's seriously really comforting right now.
Wow. That was dark. Ultimately, this guy felt emasculated by a competent women who got into a field he couldn’t do. What is scary is that she really had no idea who her boyfriend was. I’m glad she got out before it got worse. The moral of the story is that even very intellectually smart people can be in abusive relationships and not realize it.
BF is one of those people who just hates seeing a woman work in a big field. Sexist and full of Andrew Tate vibes, not good.
I'll take Dumbasses with Inferiority Complexes for $500 Alex.
Seriously, though, glad to see the trash take itself out.
I know the standard joke is that the internet hates happy relationships and tells everyone to break up blah blah, but there are so very many of these stories of some poor people-pleaser, trapped with an entitled or manipulative ass, finally learning their own worth and it makes me happy every time.