Manager denies bullying claims after employee demands she provide an office cat, sends fake legal letter. AITA? + UPDATE
"Me 39F with my 44M depressed colleague who has accused me of bullying him."
I manage a team of 12 people and last year had a 13th member added when other managers refused to deal with him any longer. He is diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety disorder. He is morbidly obese and suffers from muscular skeletal problems related to the obesity and diabetes.
When they came to me it was because I have helped other mentally ill staff members and I was happy to take them on as I felt I could help them. We did make progress and steadily increased their level of work.
It has never reached the level considered acceptable but I made accommodations to relieve pressure, hoping this would lead to a sustained long term improvement. I sought out equipment to help them be more physically comfortable given their obesity.
I felt we were making progress. Unfortunately they committed a serious breach of security (sent out personal information to someone not legally entitled to have it) and I had to place them on formal disciplinary action.
Since then they have been on sick leave for over 3 months. They are now subject to attendance management procedures and have reached out to a local mental health group and advised them that I have bullied and harassed them.
This bullying and harassment has (according to them) has made it impossible for them to return to work. I have documented evidence that this is not true, when they were told they needed to move away from me for health and safety reasons they became very distressed and demanded to stay with me for 'Mental Health' reasons.
I have signed documentation where they state I am supportive and they don't want the 'reasonable accommodations' I have offered (shorter days, fewer days, longer breaks etc)
I have a meeting with them and their support workers from the mental health group and I have no idea how to handle this. So how do I handle it? I can prove they are lying and they have a pattern of lying to get themselves out of trouble.
I have no concerns about my bosses because they are well aware that this is an utterly unfounded allegation. My worry is that they are completely unsuited to the job and because they point blank refuse to acknowledge they are in any way responsible for the mistakes they are making it is impossible to correct them.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Ask questions! A lot of questions! In a very nice way, but a lot!
"I feel very confused and upset about the idea that I have been bullying or in any way detrimental to your work. Would you help me to understand what I was doing by providing some examples?"
"Is this a particularly recent incident or change that has you feeling bullied? Because on X day you said that I was being incredibly supportive and you didn't want to stop working with me. Please let me know what changed for you? Was it something that I did or said?" They are the one making the accusation. Make them prove it.
bullyingboss (OP)
Thank you! The phrasing of some of these questions are incredibly helpful.
First, does this mental health group provide legal representation? If so, you should not meet with them without your own attorney. Frankly, even if they don't you shouldn't meet with them without counsel. You may something that creates liability for your company.
Second, keep in mind that you do not need to prove anything to these people. This is not a legal proceeding, obviously. Do not apologize. Do not apologize for this problem, for their time being wasted, for X's feelings, for anything. Be polite and firm. Your general position should be gathering as much information as possible while providing as little as possible while still explaining what has happened.
Three months later, the OP returned with an update.
Well the meeting went ahead as planned and thanks to the wonderful advice and tips from people who kindly responded I was calm and thought I was prepared. Boy was wrong!
My colleague and his support worker were both there and the meeting started really well. I asked how he was doing, what steps he was taking to prepare himself to return to work etc and nothing unexpected came up.
As arranged, I brought up the allegations of bullying and asked for some specific examples to help me understand what was happening. After worrying myself sick about this his answer was actually pretty disappointing! He gave no examples and only offered vague explanations about his anxiety making him overreact to other peoples conversations which made him feel like he was being picked on.
I advised him (and my boss backed me up) that there was literally nothing I could do about that. I patiently explained that I could not ban people from talking and I would not sit in silence in order to ensure that he never heard anything he didn't like.
My boss stressed that his poor performance needed to be addressed and that was part of my job and that doing it was in no way harassment. His support worker did agree with that and we had a brief chat about how I could better communicate. To be honest there was nothing they said that was particularly helpful but I did agree to be mindful of their condition moving forward.
Then it got weird! I asked if there was anything I could do to help him transition back into work, this normally involves a phased return, changing to part time hours etc but not this time.
As I was talking he started taking paperwork out of a folder and I should have realised something was up when his support worker sighed deeply and slumped down in his chair. My colleague requested that he be allowed to bring an emotional support animal to work with him, namely a support cat.
We are in the UK and this is not the norm so I was a bit surprised! He had not settled on a breed yet but was torn between an Abyssinian or a Siamese. I thought pointing out some obvious difficulties with this idea might make him realize how inappropriate this would be.
For example I pointed out we have a guide dog in the building for a partially sighted colleague His name is Rufus and is by far the most popular person in the building (The dog not the human!) and they may not get along with a cat.
He responded by telling me that it was illegal to discriminate by favoring one disability over another and if a blind person could have a guide dog a depressed person could have a cat.
I moved on from this (clearly idiotic) point and asked how a cat would react to being placed in a pet carrier twice a day to travel to and from work. He advised me he would train the cat.
My boss became very agitated at this point demanding "How the hell do you train a cat?" Not to be deterred, my colleague stated that in the worst case scenario he would leave the cat at work overnight and only take him home on weekends.
I asked how he intended to cope with litter tray cleaning etc (given his serious weight issues bending down to empty a litter tray would be difficult for him) He presented me with a spreadsheet, he had created with a team rota for cleaning up after the cat and feeding.
He had also costed out food, insurance and the actual cost of the cat on said spreadsheet had an expected 'donation' from each team member (On a sliding scale depending on how he perceived their financial circumstances to be. I was paying the most as I am single, earn more and have no dependent children.
The spreadsheet was quite impressive, color coded and everything) I 'politely' said no to that and he then started insisting the company should pay as it would be a legitimate business expense to accommodate his disabilities.
At this point I realised my boss was still repeating "How the hell do you train a cat?" and the support worker was shaking his head and muttering "I told you not to do this".
So. I made a unilateral decision on behalf of my company and advised him in no certain terms that we would not be buying any cats, we would not be cleaning up after any cats because we would not be permitting him to bring any cats on to the premises.
He was not happy! He complained that I was making it impossible for him to return to work. My boss took a break from his cat training mantra to say that we had perhaps gone as far as we could for the time being and we should end the meeting at this point.
As we were leaving he did make a point of telling the support worker "There will be no bloody cats" The support worker nodded and agreed this was entirely fair.
I didn't hear anything from him for a week or so then received another four week sick note from him so I called (as per our company procedure) to check in and see how he was doing.
He was still very unhappy about my discriminatory anti-cat stance and advised he would be taking it further. Two weeks later I received a letter from what initially looked like a local Solicitors office. It advised me I was being sued for breaking Disability Discrimination laws.
The letter itself was filled with bizarre (mainly) American 'legalese' that seemed to be culled from Law and Order episodes. On closer examination the letter head had been edited to change the contact details to his home phone number and personal mobile.
I'm not sure whose address he used but it wasn't the Solicitors in question. I handed it to my boss who had also received one so both were forwarded to our legal department. I was advised to have no further contact with him. The legal bods have informed me that his contract has been terminated with immediate effect.
I am honestly stunned as to how it turned out. I half expected him to be terminated due to the amount of time off sick and his unwillingness to address his performance issues but I would never have guessed it would end like this. It is both funny and sad. Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to calm my nerves before the meeting it really did mean the world to me.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
But did he ever tell your boss how he was gonna train the cat?!?!?!
I love how far removed from reality the guy is. "I'll bring a cat as a support animal."
"How are you going to clean up after it? Or feed it?" "You guys are going to do it."
Yeah... no.
And buy the cat! As a business expense. lol
I can't stop laughing at the boss who got so caught up on a "training a cat" tangent and just zoned out.
That boss, just probably so sick of all of it and the cat finally broke him. Imagining the dad from 10 Things I Hate About You just muttering about cats.