'Men: how long did it take for you to fall in love with your wife? I don't know if I love her.' UPDATED

Relationships are going to be approached radically differently depending on your culture and religion, but the core is universal: you want to spend a long-term relationship with someone you love.

"Men: how long did it take for you to fall in love with your wife?"

Salams everyone. I've been married for over a month now. I met my wife through a friend, it was a fairly formal affair and I sat with her a few times and spoke to her and I basically just saw what was agreeable to me; she passed my attractiveness requirements, she was practicing, intelligent, and we had a few things in common. Fast forward: now we're married.

The thing is that I don't feel any deep love towards her. I kind of like her but that's about it. Previously during my search, I was actually engaged with another person who was a total waste of my time and I was heartbroken and depressed for months.

I do not like that person any more but I think because of that it takes me a long time now to get attached to someone, while previously I'd be infatuated just by looking from afar (which was a bit immature). I'm worried something is broken inside of me. My now wife on the other hand pretty much is head over heels for me. I'd like advice from other men.

Usually the 'honeymoon' period is supposed to be the best part of a marriage but it doesn't feel that way for me. I find that I'm only barely physically attracted to her, we do have hobbies in common but I can do those alone too. Before someone asks I'm not depressed, mentally I'm content except for this marriage issue which is bugging me.

EDIT: For some people speculating, I want to clarify i do find her attractive and desirable. However my attraction for her was a lot stronger initially. I think I need to fall in love with her to really want her.

Commenters were quick to jump in with their honest assessments.

[deleted] wrote:

You need to bond over things you experience together, overcome difficulties etc. Give it time and everything will workout. Don't overthink things and don't give in to waswasa.

OP responded:

Okay inshaAllah.

[deleted] wrote:

Do more things together, it takes persistent effort. It's not just gonna happen one random day. Work to get there, as you would work to advance towards your life goals. Plan to go on dates, travel together, play games together, bond over shared experiences.

OP responded:

I feel like this is probably the way to go. I will try do that inshaAllah.

[deleted] wrote:

How long have you known her?
Did you ever had a fight and overcame it?
Did she require any sort of effort from you or was she all in from day one?
Edit: What exactly did you do to make her “fall heads over heel in love”?
There are so many questions unanswered..

OP responded:

Our engagement period was about a year (very long but c0vid). We spoke over the phone regularly during that time. Hmm, I guess I expressed a lot of nice things and I do things for her. I buy her gifts, compliment her etc.

I also put a lot of effort in to take care of her in terms of physical intimacy as that was something I wanted to give to my wife, and she gets really happy with me from that. I don't know if that is relevant though.

rvwda wrote:

Does she fit your love language? In another comment you said you give her gifts and put in an effort. Does she do that as well? 5 love languages are: Words of affirmation, Physical touch, Receiving gifts, Quality time ,Acts of service. Seems like you do most of them and you got her falling in love lol. Maybe she just needs to do it back, if she isn’t. And you’ll hopefully open up your heart. Hope this helps :)

OP responded:

I don't know my love language lol. She kind of has done these things for me so far at various stages. She's cooked a few times for me, bought me a nice present (or few), we've watched a few movies together, we have our coffee together and have been going on dates. Physically I guess I'm taken care of. Maybe I need time.

Pari212013 wrote:

Take more time. Maybe you do love her but don’t know it yet? Like if some other guy tried to come in the picture do you think you would feel jealous?

OP responded:

"Like if some other guy tried to come in the picture do you think you would feel jealous?"

I'd stop him but I don't know if that's love lol.

Scenesunfold wrote:

I second what others have said about asking yourself if you’ve ever been vulnerable with her emotionally. Especially if you think you have a mental block that’s keeping you from getting closer to her. Since you’re Pakistani - Mirza Ghalib wrote, “yeh ishq nahi aasan....aag ka dariya hai aur doob ke jaana hai.” The translation doesn’t do it justice so I hope you can read it! Good luck inshallah.

OP responded:

"I second what others have said about asking yourself if you’ve ever been vulnerable with her emotionally. Especially if you think you have a mental block that’s keeping you from getting closer to her."

I don't think so. Tbh I am not a very emotionally complex person lol. Anyway, I tend to process things by myself and have always preferred to.

A few weeks later, OP shared an update.

Salam everyone. About a month ago I wrote a post asking for help. At the time I had been married for a month and was worried because I felt that I still did not have any attachment towards my wife or any feelings for her. The first thing I'd like to say is thank you for all the useful comments.

You all absolutely right in that I was simply overthinking things and that I ought to focus on building moments with her. After trying to date my wife properly, go on adventures etc I can say I've fallen for her. For the past couple of weeks I've been waking up being so happy with how lucky I am alhamdulillah. She is amazing, hilarious, gorgeous, loving and we are lucky to have a fair few things in common.

This was not the whole issue of course. We had a very drawn out engagement period due to covid and I had a lot of things going on so I could not focus on just looking forward to my new wife. I also had some negative experiences with women previously which I think stopped me from being attached to her quickly enough.

Its weird but in the initial weeks of marriage my brain had still not accepted the fact that I was married, given how exhausting the whole process was. Anyway the main point of this post was to clarify some misconceptions.

So, here are my clarifications:

1- A few of you told me off for marrying someone I was not attracted to. My answer is that this is not true. I initially was (and am again now) very attracted to my wife, and she is an objectively attractive woman. I did mention I had a "type" that was not met however over time I began to prefer my own wife best. Clearly attraction is not an issue.

My advice to young men is if she's pretty to look at and healthy, you'll definitely love being intimate with her. Don't prioritize attraction to the point where you chase standards 1% of women meet and all of them have zero deen or personality.

I know this advice seems somewhat specific but, when you live in the west and even as a practicing Muslim man you might get attention from those sorts of women and begin to subconsciously shape your tastes to this. There is zero point in chasing tail and trying to get the best physically because in the end her jokes, her laughs and her making you great chai will warm your heart the most.

And in the end it doesn't even matter because your attraction towards the girl you love will increase over time, as long as that initial attraction is there. I also attribute my initial disinterest in being intimate was because neither of us knew what we were doing lol. That gets a lot better with time.

Also, it helps doing it less often but really making it a good experience for both of you when you do go for it. And encourage her to dress up and get ready around the house at reasonable intervals, it'll do you both some good.

2- Some of you said that as we hadn't fallen in love during our year long engagement, it's practically hopeless for us. Again I'd like to clarify that our interactions during that year were just somewhat formal phone calls. We both wanted to keep a proper islamic relationship since we were technically not married then.

I also did not get to see her that often in person. Even phone calls are very different to being there in person.

My final point is just to avoid overthinking it. Men- if she's pretty, you guys get along well, and her deen is solid then wife her.

I am so glad I used my brain and not my heart when I chose to marry her. The feelings will come, I promise, sooner or later you'll think how lucky your dumb self got. Good people to marry take time nowadays so when you find someone, cherish them. Alhamdulillah :)

The internet was happy to hear an update.

justintime107 wrote:

Yay I’m sooo happy for you. You seem like a great guy who really wanted to change himself bc he’s a married man. Good on you for doing different things with your wife and basically “dating” your wife. I’m sure the more you work on that, the more your wife will be happy inshallah.

thecurlyboy wrote:

MashaAllah brother, and AlhumdoAllah that you worked that out.

I like your advices, helped me to be aware of. I checked your previous post and I forgot that I saved that post couple of days ago! But again bro MashaAllah May Allah keeps you a happy relationship.

truthhurtsman1 wrote:

Your experience is very similar to mine and people who are pushing back on you really do over think things when it comes to relationships and attraction. We get bombarded on a particular brand of love, relationships and attraction that if we don't even get a sniff of that we think it won't work out.

But in reality, two people who are attracted to each other, get along well and have their deen lined up well can make it work and live happily and have a fulfilling relationship. I am happy for you! May Allah continue to shower your relationships with his blessings.

OP responded:

Exactly! Thank you. I think people overcomplicate things.

Even-Historian3181 wrote:

I wish my ex fiancé could read this post🥲

Beautifully explained!

Hopefully, OP and his wife continue on this positive streak.