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New mom questions husband's late night social commitments during maternity leave. AITA?

New mom questions husband's late night social commitments during maternity leave. AITA?

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"AITA? Asking particularly for MEN’s opinions, as per the husband’s request"

Crafty-Comfortable54

I had a baby 8 weeks ago. My toddler is only 1.5yo, so 2 under 2. I took 3 months unpaid maternity leave (had to save up during the pregnancy to afford it). My husband didn’t get any leave and had to keep working. He works from home.

During these 8 weeks, my husband has gone out to a couple of dinners. A late meeting (neighborhood committee), a wedding (that I had to tag along to, unwillingly, at only 6 weeks after a c section, to make him happy), late drinks following one of the dinners (he came home at 430am last week).

And he is scheduled to go on a bachelor trip later on (that was supposed to be a weekend in New Orleans and is now a 4 day international trip to Jamaica). He also told me about having three couples over to our house, which then turned - without my previous knowledge - into a FORTY TWO person get together (yes, you read that number right).

And he’s telling me he can’t end that event at 7 so we can put the kids to bed because “he can’t ask people to leave”. So he has not been deprived socially in any way. Now he’s saying he wants to go to a double birthday party in NYC this Friday, which will naturally mean a late night.

I’m arguing that, as a father of two very young kids in the trenches of postpartum, he should be sitting out of some of these events to stay home and help me at night. Our nanny is off the clock at 7pm, 5pm on Fridays. So it’s at night that I need him the most.

He argues that he’s home all day instead of going out to the office and having drinks after and he’s able to wake up early after a late night to help with the kids. However:

It’s not my fault his job is from home and I tell him he shouldn’t get to be out for drinks every night if he has a baby at home that needs him and...

While he does wake up at 7am after a late night, he then proceeds to be in a sour mood about how exhausted he is and I end up picking up all the slack for the next couple of nights to help him recover. So it all falls back on me anyway.

Of note, while I am on maternity leave now, I’m with the kids all day along with the nanny, so I’m not sitting around doing nothing. I also have a mental illness that requires me to prioritize my sleep, particularly in the postpartum period.

I have been completely putting this aside in order to favor my husband getting good sleep because he’s working. Also he gets reasonable chunks of “break time” throughout the day, so he is not working nonstop by any means.

Am I being unreasonable? Isn’t it fair that, as a father, he gives up some of these social events while his baby is a newborn? Should I just suck it up and let him be out and about for as many late nights as he wants?

EDITED TO ADD:

I am the breadwinner. I make more than triple what my husband makes, so I am not a gold digger.

Because I work, I hired a nanny. I simply didn’t want to fire her just for three months of leave and lose her, so I saved up during pregnancy to be able to keep her. Working people need childcare. Simple as that.

My husband isn’t a terrible person or I wouldn’t have married him. When he’s home, he’s absolutely a dad to his kids. Specially on weekends when he’s off work. It’s this ONE issue about the crazy amount of social events during this period that I’m having a problem with. We did get tons of women’s opinions in a FB group, so then my husband asked if we could also get men’s.

I didn’t know this would be a problem before kids or even after the first kid, because this all began after my husband went back to school for his masters and met all these friends that he now believes it’s crucial he network with. They’re not coworkers.

We are not relying on the internet to fix our marriage. We have recently started marriage counseling. We were simply curious what everyone else - unbiased third parties - thought because we both believe we are right.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:

Odd_Welcome7940

NTA... As a man, he sounds like a lazy ass father. I don't want o verbally attack him too much because we only have 1 side. That said, I was super cringing the whole time. He sounds like one of those dads who is why people always say "oh are you babysitting today?".

dncrmom

If my husband told me I needed to host 42 people with a newborn less than 8 weeks old, I would have taken the baby & gone to a hotel or my parents for the night. He could figure out the logistics while watching the toddler for the evening. You have a very self centered husband. NTA.

Additional_Assist523

NTA in this situation. I can understand his need for social engagement but he is taking it too far. As a father myself, I can see what my wife goes through and I know the need to help. Being married is a 50/50 thing and with children involved it is even more needed to make sure everyone does their part.

On top of it all my wife also had to get a c-section for the children to be born and that was very hard on her body. He needs to be doing a lot more to help in your recovery. That is a major surgery that sliced you completely open. All this activity is not good for you. He should step up more, do less social activities, and offer more support. Having a job is no excuse.

Edit:For people saying marriage should be 100/100, the math doesn’t work out. You both can’t change a diaper individually for 1 dirty diaper, that means a clean diaper would be changed.

You both can’t discipline a child separately for one bad act or they will be double punished. 50/50 just means it requires equal work from both parties to complete all needed/wanted task and so that no one burns out or builds resentment.

I can see where you all are coming from, that is why each person should put 100% in the task they do. Marriages fall apart just as fast from someone doing to much as they do from someone doing to little.

WoodenLock1242

NTA, but your husband is. As a bloke, I can safely say that your husband is a selfish git. He's not even acting as a Father, he's just the partner of a Mother. Parenthood is meant to be a joint venture, (including the sacrifices), but he somehow managed to miss that memo. Sit him down and tell him straight to buckle the hell up and pull his weight.

mdmartini

He's an idiot. Grow up and be a man. Take care of your wife and be there for your children. OP is NTA.

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?

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