'AITA if I message the wife of my fiancee's affair partner?' UPDATED

"WIBTA for messaging the wife of my fiancee's affair partner?"

I (35f) found out a few days ago that my partner of nearly five years who proposed to me less than a year ago has been emotionally cheating on me, which escalated to a secret meet up and a shared kiss with another woman (married). They have known each other for what must be less than six months. They met due to joining the same sports team, where they hold leadership positions.

I've spent the last few days going through all the typical motions - how could this person betray me etc. and holding on to her good parts, giving excuses that she has been in a bad place mentally, and basically putting together a compromise for us to work through this.

I offered a route to exploring rebuilding if she cut off this other person on a personal level, but I didn't push that she had to leave the sports team completely but it was on the table - this has been an outlet of huge mental health support for her.

When me and my ex were in conversation she said she would kill herself without the sports team, how can i expect her to give up everything she has worked for there etc. A reminder that she has been there for like, just under six months. It was at this point I was starting to feel that I really did not matter to her anymore.

And yes, I was naive and I was a fool. I had it confirmed last night (again after having to drag information out of my now ex) that they have been together after both being asked to leave and it has escalated to sex. So whilst she left my heart on the line message on read and i tortured myself that she hadn't replied - she was having sex with this other person. Here's what brings me to the WIBTAH:

- I want to message the affair partners wife. I feel that I would want the same grace of knowing that they have been together and slept together in the immediate aftermath of this. If she's been doing anything similar to what I had been doing I just don't think that is right. Of course there is a chance the wife already knows, and she may also lash out, but I genuinely feel horrible at the thought of this being hidden from her.

An additional WITBAH that I know is more based on my rage right now and maybe I need to have a think over:

- I want people at the sports team to KNOW. I do feel that these things always come out, but I think there is also a real delusional aspect of them thinking that they can maybe keep this a secret? and that they can just carry on as normal and nothing will change. But the sports team is a tight knit group of women - they know both myself and the other wife on a personal level and have done for years.

So I was considering messaging someone around the team to essentially out them. Tbh this is something I know I probably will regret, but interested to hear takes on this too.

Solidarity to all those who have been cheated on - my partner always railed against people that did this sort of thing (classic). One of her best friends has been in a two year affair with a married man and she has absolutely destroyed her over it. THE NERVE!

This is what people had to say to OP:

Dennis-sysadmin said:

Do it. She has no respect for you, and cheaters get what they deserve.

lilbit6675 said:

Sooner or later everyone sits down to the banquet of their consequences. I say screw it may as well make it an all you can eat buffet.

Go full scorched earth.

Queen_of_Meh1987 said:

NTA. I'd want to know.

wishingforarainyday said:

NTA. Please tell her wife so she knows to get tested. You should get tested asap because it likely was already physical. I’d tell the sports members so they know not to trust them. They should feel ashamed of themselves.

The next day, OP shared this update:

I messaged her wife. She responded immediately and it turns out she had been wanting to reach out to me but wasn't sure how it would be received. We talked all night and she did NOT know they had slept together, but was extremely grateful to know.

I found out some stuff that added some weight to the theory that this has been going on for longer than my ex had been letting on. Both ex and affair partner have also been giving almost identical excuses to me and the other victim. I decided not to message anyone at the sports team -- it turns out the coach there knows about what has happened.

I got super drunk last night and messaged a barrage of abuse at my ex, then deleted the conversation so I have major hangxiety from that today but I am going to focus on one foor in front of the other. Then I woke up drunk and downloaded a dating app (have since deactivated) - I'm a mess but that's ok!!

I also reached out to my ex's sister - told her what had happened and that it was cheating, and asked her to just check in and look out for her because I think when my ex realizes what she has done there is a huge chance of some very self destructive behavior. To close off people who cheat are the scummiest people!!