'AITA for messaging the husband of my husband’s affair partner? Did I destroy a family?' UPDATED

"AITA for messaging the husband of my husband’s AP?"

I found out my husband (of nearly 20 years) is cheating, for the second time. I know, I know, fool me once and all that but needless to say my blood will not stop boiling. We are getting divorced.

I just had this hunch that the AP was also married. Something about my husband’s comments about her didn’t add up. Since he was too checked out to even bother with a burner phone, it took about 5 minutes with the phone bill and 10 minutes of googling to find an email address for her husband (I’m not on fb so probably would have been faster if I was).

I sent him an email and within 5 minutes my husband was texting me asking what I had done. Saying I destroyed a family today. All I can say is I wish someone would have told me the first time he cheated so I wouldn’t have hung out with the woman and been friendly (this guy is in a similar situation as he and my husband know each other).

I actually sent the email from a burner email address and didn’t out my husband (in case I was wrong somehow) but it’s clear to me based on my husband’s comments that the AP named him. The AP swears she’s been trying to end things with her husband and he won’t listen. Maybe that’s true but it’s also possible she’s totally playing my husband and hasn’t said anything to hers.

AP’s husband wants to talk to me and I’ll probably call him. So AITA for telling my husband’s AP’s husband about the affair? Did I destroy a family? Should I have just kept my mouth shut? Should I not speak to him? My boiling blood may be clouding my judgment.

Edited to add: I honestly can’t believe how many people have taken the time to read this, thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate the laughs, thoughtful insights and personal stories people shared.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

writing_mm_romance wrote:

Funny how your dickhead husband didn't give a s#$t about your family. The only reason he's concerned about hers is because he's not gonna keep getting laid now. He can dry hump a cactus into the sunset.

OP responded:

LOL thank you for that.

Hopeful-Artichoke449 wrote:

She destroyed her own family. Your garbage husband blaming you just shows how worthless he is. Husband makes the active and deliberate decision to f another man's wife and then accuses his wife of breaking that family..as if he and his AP weren't the ones who did that.

MagazineOutrageous64 wrote:

Yes, he doesn't even think it's his and the AP’s fault. So does OP really have any reason to keep living with this guy?

Impossible_Balance11 wrote:

The Golden Rule basically says do as you'd be done by, and you said you wish someone had told you back when. Therefore, you did right by the man! (I agree wholeheartedly, btw, for the same reasons.)

Your STBX husband and his AP destroyed their own families. If your husband tries to blame you again, refuse to accept it by either stating plainly, "I don't accept that--you and she are solely to blame," or simply by laughing hysterically in his face. I recommend the latter. 😉 Wishing you healing, peace, and future happiness, OP. NTA.

OP responded:

Thank you, I like the way you stated that: “I don’t accept that - - you and she are solely to blame." I plan to use it!

Four days later, OP shared an update.

First, thanks all for reading my original post. I am still amazed how many people took the time to comment. So many people made me laugh, so many shared personal stories, it was truly cathartic. On to the update: the day after my original email to the AP’s husband, he and I talked on the phone. He was shocked to learn about the affair, poor guy.

I could tell he was struggling, as he wanted to believe all the lies she had told him (and was desperate to believe they hadn’t had s*x, like she told him they hadn’t. My husband says the same but given the fact that he’s a proven liar, I didn’t believe it for a second).

AP’s husband said he was worried for his kids. He explained he was embarrassed as my husband and he are part of the same circle, I said I could relate with my first experience of infidelity. He was grateful to me for reaching out, and thanked me. After that conversation my husband texted me upset that I had revealed his prior affair and that I only did it to hurt him (because it is, of course, all about him).

I explained that the conversation I had with this guy had nothing to with him. When I mentioned the prior affair, I mentioned in the context of relatable life experience. I honestly thought it wouldn’t be a secret between cheaters anyway but I guess the AP wasn’t happy to learn about it (I know, shocker, cheaters cheat. I guess she thought she was special).

At this point my husband was still sleeping at the house. I woke up the next day feeling like I couldn’t breathe. It ended up being a full blown panic attack, which only stopped after I started screaming at my husband, saying he needed to leave the house. He is officially not living here anymore and will be packing up the rest of his stuff during an upcoming weekend away that I have planned with friends.

I am very sad and very angry but I’m starting to feel like I can breathe again. Sorry to disappoint so many that wanted me to meet him in person and sleep with him (all of those comments made me laugh). That would have made for a much more exciting update! If anything else noteworthy happens, I’ll post another update.

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

Nice-loveee wrote:

Cheaters don't deserve secrecy and you don't owe them silence. Good on you for choosing your sanity over their comfort.

No-Excuse-8942 wrote:

It boggles my mind how people willingly cheat knowing full well the consequences. It’s even more outlandish when they act as if it’s everyone else’s fault. You did nothing wrong by exposing him and contacting the other family.

They ruined their marriages and their families not you. It’s an unfortunate situation but at least you did the right thing in my mind. Cheaters deserve everything bad that happens to them. Cheating isn’t a mistake. You can never justify it with any situation.

Jokester_316 wrote:

The other woman thought she was SPECIAL?! She now knows that she was just another side chick. The mental gymnastics is astonishing.

Now reality is setting in that she destroyed her family for a few fleeting moments of new relationship energy. Hopefully, she suffers the consequences of her betrayal. You did the right thing by letting her husband know the truth. She was playing him for a fool. Nobody deserves that.

Senjisilly wrote:

After he left, my now ex-husband told me that he didn't need a smart wife anymore. He wasn't kidding. His AP, whom he married, thinks she is the only one he cheated with. His work colleagues were very willing to tell me about my ex"s extracurricular shenanigans, mostly to stop me from trying to keep my marriage together (I thanked them).

This other woman is so stupid that she believes she is wife #2 instead of wife #3 (my children were laughing when they told me). Women that cheat with narcissists deserve everything they get.