'AITA for messaging the husband of the woman my husband is having an emotional affair with?'

"AITA for messaging my husband’s mistress’ husband?"

Back story, my husband (29) (let’s call him Adam) and I (30) have been married for 4 years. Two years ago I found a text message exchange between him and a coworker, let’s call her Hannah, that we’re going on for months behind my back. At the time, they weren’t incredibly incriminating.

It clearly showed a mutual friendship that could be progressing to more. I expressed my discomfort to Adam not for the friendship, but for keep it a secret. If it didn’t mean anything, why wouldn’t he tell me? He assured me that the only reason he didn’t tell me was because he knew I’d react like that. He said she was married (let’s call her husband Joe), and they were just work friends.

I asked that he limit his contact with her and be more open with me. They continued to be friends. Periodically I would remind Adam that I was uncomfortable with their friendship when she would keep popping up in all of his stories from work, but he would brush it off and assure me that I was overreacting.

Well, three months ago I came home from work and he told me that he had feelings for her (not a big shocker, and don’t worry I’ve already filed for divorce). He said Hannah was separating from her husband, Joe, and she made a couple of comments to him that made him feel uncomfortable, but then made him question their connection as well.

Comments like “do you think we’re too close?” “I wish I met you before I met my husband.” “I’ve always found you attractive.” Etc. He realized he cared for her, but he wanted to tell his wife because he did not like keeping it from me. Adam assured me they were never physical, and he sobbed about how I deserved better, of course he wanted to be with me, yadda yadda.

I naively said I’d work on it, and that lasted all of three weeks. Within the second week, Adam had a full breakdown questioning what it all meant. I wrote Hannah a letter which I had Adam give to her (I had no other way of reaching her) expressing that I am a real person that both of them have hurt.

I said I contemplated telling her husband but I held myself back because I did not know if that would put her in harms way. He told me that she was scared I would tell her husband because she didn’t know what he would do. I said she should be.

Some time went by and I found that he was still talking with her He said he did not want to stop talking to her. I said I think he should leave for the weekend. He went to his parents house over the weekend, and there was severe weather at our house. Picture me locked in a laundry room with two dogs and two cats. Of course, Adam and I were texting. He was watching the weather and hoped we were safe.

He comes back home the next morning before work. While he was outside with the dogs I checked his phone (yes I know that was bad). I found that the prior night he was also texting Hannah. Their conversation included her saying he was so cute and asking about what they would do for their first date.

He responded with a couple of suggestions for activities they could do. She loved it. Blah blah blah (again, I’m divorcing already). When I found the messages my heart sank. He came back in from outside and I told him that I wanted a divorce. I told him what I saw and that he has lost all decision making power in our relationship. It was up to me now.

Here’s where I’m not sure if I’m the @$$hole. I went to work and got started on handcrafting a few messages. I sent his parents a text informing him of what he was doing under their roof. I sent his brother a message that said Adam might need a place to stay.

I sent Joe an email informing him of their emotional affair with as many specifics as I could remember about her specific comments, and I told him that if I found out any harm came to Hannah as a result of my message I would personally report him.

I then sent Hannah a long email that acknowledged my pain, informed her that up until this morning, Adam was still telling me he would do couples counseling which was leading her on, that I reached out to her husband (I copied and pasted my message to him in my email to her), and that I did not want to hear from her.

Adam fully freaked out. He said I was compromising peoples jobs (I emailed Hannah on her work email, but like she was doing what she was doing at work so why’s she ashamed when it’s written down?), I’m blowing up everything, how could I? Etc. I got a call from his mom berating me saying that if any harm came to her son, it would be on me.

She said I would have to live with myself. I simply apologized for upsetting her and blocked her number. The way I’m telling you, I didn’t even raise my voice. I felt like telling him I would report him would deter any potential harm. I also thought that including what I sent to him in my message to her was a courtesy to prepare her for anything he might do.

I also am finding it hard to take the responsibility of a potential aggressive act that I verbally discouraged and warned her about. I also warned them both that I was considering tell Joe not because I wanted to punish them, but just because he had a right to know.

3 of the 4 people in the situation were well aware of the inappropriate conduct, and Joe was just hanging out and hoping for a reconciliation. I’m finding it tough to believe what Adam’s mom said, but am I the @$$hole for messaging my husband’s mistress’ husband?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

giag27 said:

NTA. ur husband, the mistress and your mil are the @$$holes here. The OBS deserves to know they’re being cheated on.

Equivalent_Paint9360 said:

NTA if they didn’t want people to know, they shouldn’t have done this. He didn’t care about you and how this would harm you. This are just the consequences of their actions. Sorry this happened to you!

Away-Understanding34 said:

NTA...cheaters always play the card of don't tell the spouse because they might get violent. However, that didn't stop them from cheating on that spouse. If they were truly afraid they wouldn't have gotten involved with each other. Regardless, Joe has a right to know so he can make an informed decision about his future. You did the right thing that Hannah was too much of a coward to do.

They don't want to take responsibility for their bad behavior so they will blame everything on you. They alone are responsible for the consequences of their actions. Move on and live your best life.

Cultural-Error597 said:

ESH - you made a commitment to your husband, so he should be getting the brunt of this. I kinda get informing the mistress and her husband but really, they have nothing to do with you.

Informing his family was not your place. If he needs a place to stay, it’s on him to figure out, not sure what your goal was there. I get that life as you know it is on fire, so I’d advise you to stop spreading gasoline. Cut the loss and move on.

OP responded:

Totally get what you’re saying. The reason I reached out to them is because his mother was sending me Facebook videos about meeting each others needs and couple’s counseling benefits once she found out when he went up for the weekend. I told her briefly that we would not be moving past this, and that I would always appreciate their support in my life. It wasn’t a hateful message at all.

dessertshots said:

YTA for dragging it into their workplace. Like what exactly was she doing at work? Nothing. You have no proof of any sort of physical affair much less one that was happening on company grounds.

You were trying to blow up their lives, despite stating you were over it several months ago, and now you feel like an @$$hole bc people have probably called you out on it. Or you're in your feels. Like you got mad your separated husband was talking to the woman he was clearly leaving you for....

OP responded:

Yes, 100% of their in person talks were during their lunch hour in their offices or standing in the parking lot after they got off. I couldn’t find her on social, so I did what I could. Maybe I should have asked my husband for her number, but I doubt he would be very cooperative on that one

Meandering_Croissant said:

NTA for telling on them. You should also stop believing two proven liars who’ve made no real effort to hide their affair that the other spouse is aggressive. It’s one of the most common excuses used and, as others here have brought up, if she was afraid of repercussions she wouldn’t be gleefully engaging in one of the most hurtful and enraging behaviours possible in a relationship.

YTA for using your message telling the husband about the affair to also indirectly accuse him of being abusive and threatening him. You’re rightly upset that you’re getting unfair pushback from the cheater and his mother for exposing the affair when you’ve had time to sit on it and make decisions at your own pace.

At the same time you’ve given the AP’s husband life-changing information with no thinking time while also being unfair and disrespectful to him. Try treating him with the sympathy you expect for yourself.

And OP responded:

This is a good point. I didn’t feel it was accusatory, but I really should have put more thought into that. I was just trying to make sure I wasn’t encouraging him to act violently, but I should have put more thought into the way I delivered that and put less trust into her words. Thanks for the perspective.​​​​​​​