"AITA for telling my MIL to cancel her flight to see our baby?"

I (f 30) and my husband (m28) are expecting our first child this month. Husband is a wonderful man and I’ve always felt blessed to have him and we rarely ever fight or disagree on anything. I generally have a good relationship with his family but we are not close. We also live 16 hrs drive away. My MIL has always said she likes me but just seemed cold & cordial with me.

She is hard to please and easy to offend in general but I managed a good relationship so far by always being respectful and mailing her gifts after every time we visit ( I do that because I genuinely care, not just to be cordial) Now on to the issue. I’m due in less than a month . SIL asked when would it be appropriate to book a flight for her mom to come visit us.

I hadn’t thought about that before. My answer to her was that we haven’t had that conversation yet to decide when we will welcome stay-in guests. SIL sent my husband flight dates that she will be booking for her mom (20 days stay) starting 2 days before my due date. My husband responds with text saying “let me run this by my wife to make sure she’s ok.

She has anxiety issues and feels she may need to have her own space when she’s going through childbirth”. Husband then comes and asks me how I feel about it Here’s how I feel about it: I have severe anxiety surrounding childbirth. I’m going to need to be completely serene and comfortable the days prior my scheduled surgery (C section). I cannot be entertaining a stay in guest during that time.

In addition, I will be in a vulnerable state following giving birth & I will only want my husband around. While we both thought it may be a good idea to have help early, we both acknowledged that the help we need may not be the same thing grandma has in mind. We ultimately agreed we need that time alone to learn how to take care of little one and breastfeed.

Despite how I feel, I told him that I can see his mom is excited about the baby so I’ll consider a compromise and to let me sleep on it and think about it for a day(because I wanted to find it in me to accommodate her, not because she will be any help imo).

The next day, MIL sends him a confirmation of her flight for 20 days stay which she plans to stay in our house. At no point did MIL call to ask me when or if she can come or what I feel comfortable with. I felt so disrespected and violated. And I started to think of how many more boundaries she will break during her stay.

I asked my husband to call her to let her know we would like alone time for a couple weeks with baby & to heal & she’s welcome to come and stay with us for a few days afterwards. (All other visitors will be welcome at 6-8 weeks mark). He assures me that he will uphold my boundaries and he called her to tell her what WE decided.

She called me immediately after to question me on how dare I want alone time and that I’m a walking red flag for doing that. I’m hurt. Husband and I got in a fight over it ( I acknowledge that much of it was me directing my anger at him). I felt he failed me by not immediately protecting me when I got her call.

He acknowledges my points and told me that he defended me but he didn’t seem to address his mom’s disrespect towards me. To be fair, this is the first time he deals with a conflict between his family and me.

He also told me that she shouldn’t have upset me like this while 9 months pregnant (but why did I have to fight with him to get him to react?) is my relationship with his family salvageable? AITA for telling him to ask her to reschedule her flight?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Disastrous-Panda5530 said:

NTA. It is more than reasonable to have her reschedule. It was never okayed by you. The one who will be birthing a child. And you are right. You will be vulnerable right after especially with a C section. You will feel helpless if she takes your baby from you and you can’t even get up to follow or take your baby back.

Your husband needs to be supportive of you. It will be so much harder to bond with your baby with his mother there. Especially if you aren’t close. I would stand my ground on this and argument or not this would be a hill I’d die on.

External_Expert_2069 said:

Your MIL has already proven that her wants are more important than your needs. She called to berate you when you are about to have a baby……… how bad is it going to be when she’s visiting and she doesn’t agree with something pertaining to the baby. Your husband needs to fix this or this will deeply damage your marriage. This isn’t a good way to start a family.

Your husband also blamed you for suggesting a reschedule instead of presenting it as a decision you both made. Not cool!!

maleficentwasright said:

Either she waits till you're ready or she doesn't come at all. Plus, she's travelling through an airport, and your fresh out the wrapper baby will not be able to fight off any illnesses that she might get while travelling. It's a no. End of discussion. There's no 'compromise' to have here. You are having major surgery and need to recover comfortably.

And as for your husband enforcing and supporting your boundaries, where was that when he didn't tell her no to the flights or when she called you a walking red flag for daring to want to bond and recover in peace?

And WomanInQuestion said:

Your husband needs to grow a spine and tell his mommy that she does not dictate your marriage or how you parent.

After her original post, she shared this update on the situation:

Your support has overwhelmed me with peace. Thank you! On to the update: I’m not proud to admit that I got super stressed about this that I lost a full night sleep over it. I stayed up thinking of how unsafe I would feel if my husband doesn’t know how to handle this behavior.

He woke up early and found me on the couch. His first words to me was “sorry I failed you." He acknowledged that he should’ve never allowed it to get to a point where a member of his family crosses boundaries or stresses me out especially while pregnant.

I followed with apologizing for directing my anger at him. It was the first time I’ve raised my voice with him during an argument (we both try our best to argue healthy) so I apologized for that.

I also told him that I had some time to process my thoughts overnight (everyone’s comments helped me sort through them) and realized that I just felt like I was having to defend myself from his family’s behavior on my own. That should have NEVER been the case. It should have been handled before I even heard about it.

I made my expectations clear that my and my baby’s peace and safety will be a priority and anyone who dares pick up the phone to call me and disrespect me will NOT be allowed in my presence at all. I also told him that I regretted making an exception for her to come in 2 weeks after birth because I prioritized her over my child by exposing my child to illness.

That exception is off the table now. I explained to him that if his mother dared to treat me in any certain way, it’s because he indirectly allowed it by not being good at drawing boundaries. She shouldn’t feel comfortable crossing her son and questioning me on decisions we made together. She is betting that he will let her get away with it.

He agreed. He was sad tho (he lost his father recently and is desperately trying to have his family together). It broke my heart to see him sad. I asked him if he is agreeing to please me or if he’s truly on the same page with on what is the right thing to do. He told me that he believes he didn’t prioritize me enough and that will change. He promised none of this will ever happen again.

I asked him for an action plan of what the change looks like. He said he will be addressing his family about all of it. He hasn’t talked to his mother since to address things (been 1 day since our conversation). I trust that he doesn’t promise me anything that he won’t follow through with, but I can’t help but feel anxious about it.

I will be telling my OB that only he is allowed in my recovery room, and making sure my child’s safety comes before all. I will update after he talks to her or if anything eventful happens. For those who are asking about my family, they also live 16 hours away.

We'll keep you posted if there are any more updates!