'AITA to address my MIL's comments about my seven-year-old's weight?'
"AITA to address my MIL's comments about my seven-year-old's weight?"
I (44F) and my husband (46) have been married for 15 years. My husband had a disconnected relationship with his mother due to issues with his stepfather until around the time our daughter (7) was born.
Thankfully they were able to move past their relationship issues and she has been in my daughters life as she is, and will be, the only grandchild as my SIL has decided she and her husband do not want children.
They live about 10 hours away, however, my SIL and MIL visit us all the time and I love them both. My husband and I both dealt with being very overweight as children and i to adulthood…so, while unfortunate, it was not shocking that our daughter is overweight regardless of any steps we take.
She is very active. She goes to gymnastics twice a week and we take her to parks, ride bikes, run around with her cousins (8 and 12) and will be attending summer camp at the YMCA all summer where they swim everyday.
We’re also working hard to change our dietary choices as well. On the most recent visit from my MIL and SIL around Christmas 2024 I had to work several days so I wasn’t around as much as normal for their visit.
The morning they were leaving we were getting ready to load up their car and get them on the road and we were saying our goodbyes. All of the sudden my MIL looked at my daughter and said, “remember what Nana said….for every pound you lose I’ll give you $2!”….this caught me off guard and I was furious.
I took my husband aside and expressed how angry that made me as my dad, who always meant well, would constantly bring up my weight. Actually, he still does despite the face that I had gastric bypass surgery in 2016 and have lost 125 lbs and kept it off.
My husband said I was overreacting but I continued to press. I told him to talk to his mother and let her know that we NEVER want to hear her bring up my daughter’s weight again.
Flash forward to this past week will on a speaker call with my MIL and she said it again. I looked at my husband and I realized he never spoke to his mother. He put up his hand as to tell me to let it go, however, I couldn’t.
I politely said,”hey, nana! My father used to bring up my weight again and again as a child and adolescent and I have lasting emotional scars from that so I would appreciate it if we didn’t talk about my daughter’s weight.”
Now my husband is mad and seems to side with my MIL. I told him if he had just addressed it with his mom months ago I wouldn’t have had to address it. I ALSO forgot to mention that my SIL and BIL point out her ‘bad’ food choices and tell her constantly to ‘get off the iPad and exercise!’.
My SIL is overweight, however, she works out multiple times per week and my BIL is a former Marine who maintains a good weight. I try VERY hard to treat my daughter the way MY mother did. She NEVER talked about my weight and always made me feel accepted and beautiful. So, AITA for addressing this with my MIL?
Update:: How DARE some of you attack an ‘enemy’ that you don’t even know exists. Not that I have to defend myself …but I will tell you that I cook 3-4 meals per week and EVERY SINGLE meal focuses on protein and veggies.
However, she’s 7 years old…..she can having the random scoop of ice cream or a small single size bag of sour patch kids. If you are the type of person who says ‘no she shouldn’t if she’s overweight’ congratulations….you just announced to the rest of the world that they have no children.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA- These kind of comments can be extremely damaging to a child even into their adult life. You did the right thing if you said something. Your MIL needs to know this completely unacceptable. This is a small child with a growing body.
There is no excuse for your MIL making these comments especially to the child. You as the parent are working with the child on things. It’s not the MIL’d place and she needed to know the boundaries.
NTA - 7 year olds should not be focused on losing weight, period. of course you should focus on healthy eating and active lifestyles, but unless they are unhealthy or medically obese, they are actively growing and often benefit from extra weight for energy and active growth.
language like your MILs will ONLY negatively impact your daughters mental health and self-image and will have no positive impact on her health or wellbeing, which is the only thing that should matter.
not only that, but it should not be a 7 year olds responsibility to monitor their own weight, at all. that is your job, she should have little to no involvement in that whatsoever aside from MAYBE “this is how much you weigh! that means you’re growing big and strong, etc”.
it’s important for you to teach your child about healthy eating as a mechanism for literally building their bodies as well as the importance of staying active, but 0% of that should be from the point of view of losing pounds.
So many people think they’re helping by warning kids about weight, but they’re really planting seeds of insecurity. Children should be taught to celebrate what their bodies can do, not stress over how they look.... That’s how you build confidence and lifelong healthy habits.
YTA. Not about the MIL issue. You're right with that. But what do you mean you're working on changing your family's diet? You had gastric bypass. That means you know all about proper nutrition. that means you know you shouldn't have junk in the house.
WHY IS THAT GARBAGE STILL IN YOUR HOUSE?! When you choose to have bypass, you give up the garbage. Otherwise it comes right back. You have already set your daughter up for failure. You knew how to help her. You knew having good food options in the house and encouraging lots of movement would help her. But you kept the junk food diet anyway and you're just now starting to "try" to do better ?
I also had bypass. I lost 130pounds. My husband and I both struggled with weight so when we decided to have children I did all the research, read all the books. I did everything I could to set my child up for success because I knew her genetics would work against her. You made no such effort That's why you're an a-hole.
What does your daughter's pediatrician say about her weight? It's wonderful that your mom made you feel accepted and beautiful-- but by your own admission you had to have bariatric surgery and were 125 pounds overweight.
At seven years old your daughter's unhealthy food choices are actually YOUR choices of what to feed her. I do think your MIL was out of line offering her money to lose weight but you need to work with her doctor to develop healthy eating habits and to be more active. NTA but you and your husband need to get on the same page and start prioritizing your daughter's long term health.
I would ask her doctor if her weight is considered bad or overweight at her age. If the doctor tells you yes, then you ask what you should do. It sounds like she is a very active 7 year old. But it also sounds like she may have some problem with food choices.
At her age, the choices are really yours and your husbands. Are you buying a ton of junk food for her?( chips. Candy. Ice creams) or do you buy fruits and veggies? The MIL's plan is 100% too much. A 7 year old hasn't idea how to lose weight and has no conceptual way to frame this. It'll definitely lead to negative consequences.
I'm going ESH because I have friends with obese children, and they themselves had gastric surgery. They taught the kids those bad habits and haven't tried to change at all.
You should consult with a doctor. Ask their opinions and recommendations. You didn't provide her weight, so it's highly possible what your MIL deems "overweight" is actually quite normal. But if the doctor says it's bad, then listen.
Consider this: Do you want her to be bullied, harassed and made fun of because of her weight? Kids are cruel. Even today. It's often worse in today's times because of social media and the ability to be anonymous.