'My MIL decided to gossip with my daughter about my marriage, blowing a giant hole in my life.' UPDATED

"My MIL decided to gossip with my daughter about my marriage, blowing a giant hole in my life."

My wife cheated on me nearly ten years ago. I won't get into the specifics, as they're unimportant, but due to the fact that I saw blame on both of our parts, I forgave her and we moved past it.

My daughter is sixteen years old, and she only just found out, from my MIL, who seems to have decided she was old enough to hear the family 'gossip', and that she would be 'mature' enough not to confront her. Initially, my wife thought I had told her, and came into my office where I had been, to ask me what the hell I was thinking, and if I was trying to destroy their relationship.

(She and my daughter have been strained for a couple years now, lots of arguing, on both sides.) She refused to believe that I hadn't said anything at first until my daughter entered the room and joined in on the screaming that I was too 'weak' and her own mother had sold her out.

The fighting went on a long time, and honestly I may as well have not been there, for all the good I did. I tried to step between them when I was concerned, but that only ended with some ringing in my ear, haha.

Eventually, my wife left to cool off, and my daughter and I could talk.

She wasn't happy with me either, and didn't hesitate to tell me so, but she wasn't screaming or throwing shit anymore, so I just let her get it out. She asked me why I stayed and I was honest, that I was no perfect husband, and I decided not to end my marriage, break up our home, and destroy her childhood for something that I held blame in as well.

The entire time I was speaking, she just kept watching me with this sad face that made me uncomfortable, but when I finished she just shook her head and said that I needed to leave my wife, and that the cheating 'wasn't the only issue'.

She started bringing up every insignificant 'flaw' my wife has, (She brought up my wife getting angry at me because I had put too much creamer in her coffee, for example, just trivial crap). I told her as much but she just kept shaking her head. It ended up turning into an argument where she insisted I was some sort of victim, and making some kind of getaway plan.

I kept trying to talk her down, but that was going no where.

I first tried my wife, but found my call went straight to voicemail, so I called my MIL to inform her of the situation, but my wife had already made it there, and planned to stay overnight to calm down, because she didn't want to 'see either of our faces'.

It's been a few days now and I still haven't seen her, or heard from her, but her mother informs me she's okay, just very emotional. So I'm also scared for my wife (She has had mental health struggles before, and if she's going through that again, I should be there to help).

(EDIT: To the people who have commented, or private messaged me to say I shouldn't care. My wife almost passed away the last time she had an episode, and I don't think even my daughter, as angry as she Is right now, wants her mom **d).

My daughter told me she hopes her mother never came back. I'm just feeling defeated, and tired. I've done everything I can to keep this family floating, and somehow I'm still failing. It's beginning to feel like I always do, at everything, and always will fail at everything, as long as I live.

The internet had OP's back all the way.

PrincessPeach1229 wrote:

Okay few thoughts here:

1 - MIL is completely in the wrong, it’s NO ONES business to fill daughter in on ‘family gossip’ that includes her parents.

2 - I’m sure some of this is normal teenage rebellion crap.

HOWEVER:

Your wife got angry about too much creamer in the coffee? You say trivial stuff BUT

How often does wife get overly sensitive about trivial stuff? There is a point where it becomes you managing wife’s emotional outbursts instead of wife working on her own issues.

Does daughter have a point at all?

OP responded:

I 120% agree. I'm slightly in shock that my wife is mad at me, and our daughter, but somehow not too angry to stay in the house of the person who told her? I don't know, that part has been messing me up a lot, I think.

My daughter has definitely been going through some teenage rebellion stuff, which I haven't minded because it's introduced me to a lot of new music when she's mad, but my wife has had some issue with because she's scared when my daughter get's older she'll regret all the crazy hair or odd clothes.

I've been trying to help her with that, because I was a little teenage-dirtbag myself, and my daughter is a good kid, no real trouble out of her other than being a smart-a$$ sometimes, which she comes by honest.

To the rest, I don't know. My wife is temperamental, but she's not violent. I mean, she just gets mad easy. She get's over it pretty fast though. Like, she yelled about the coffee thing, dumped it out, and got a new cup and it never come up again. I honestly forgot about it until my daughter brought it up, it really wasn't a big deal.

Commented2222 wrote:

What the f was your MIL thinking to tell that to a kid? She sounds like a miserable AH who loves to stir up stuff. I wouldn't even be remotely cordial or polite to her again.

OP responded:

From what she said, for some reason she was idiotic enough to think my daughter would keep it to herself- which honestly I'm glad she didn't because I know how secrets like that can eat at a kid, and that it was 'harmless gossip' because it was so long ago, and I stayed.

Like if I had forgiven her, somehow my daughter wasn't meant to be affected by it? I've been working on staying calm, because she's my only link to my wife right now, and yelling at her is a good way to get blocked and have no sure way of getting updates on her.

PrincessPeach1229 wrote:

Ok just because someone isn’t violent doesn’t mean they aren’t making an emotionally hostile environment for everyone else and you may need to examine that or I anticipate daughter will want to leave the house as soon as she’s able to.

My dad remarried a woman with a similar temperament. She was quick to anger but quick to move on…it honestly felt like an emotional rollercoaster sometimes. Dad loved her so he looked past this flaw as her partner chalking it off to ‘just the way she, it’s but she’s a good person’. And yea that was true, she wasn’t a bad person.

But he failed to realize her emotional outbursts made US kids feel like the vibe around the house was tense since small trivial things could make her snap even for just a minute. It just wasn’t pleasant to be around at all.

OP responded:

They were always so close growing up, though. I mean, I felt like the bonus parent at times, because they were so close when she was little. Like, I remember being a bit jealous about it, because I would laugh and think to myself that I thought dads and daughters were supposed to have the special relationship, haha.

They only really started fighting when my daughter was fourteen. I guess I still feel guilty, because their first fight was 100% my fault, and I still blame myself for it.

[deleted] wrote:

Hmm really? Their first fight was “100%_” your fault? That’s amazing - you managed to force two other people to fight, and basically created the difficulties in a mother-daughter relationship _all by yourself?! /s

It sounds like you’re very prone to taking responsibility (or blame) for other people’s actions. This can be a good trait, up to a point. But not when it’s combined with another person who’s emotionally ab#$ive and likes to shift blame for their actions onto someone else. Which may describe your wife.

Your daughter is telling you your wife is a#$sive. And she’s telling you that the way you make excuses for and accommodate your wife hurts her - makes her feel unprotected by you, disappointed in you, and sad for you. These things can all be true even if your wife is a good person in other ways, and even if she loves your daughter.

You’ve told yourself that accepting your wife’s explosive temper is a form of maturity on your part. For your daughter’s sake and your own (and even your wife’s), you need to ask yourself if what you’re really doing is being an enabler of abusive behavior.

OP responded:

I just don't know if I can see it that way. I mean, my mom used to be really abusive when I was young, in more ways than one. (My daughter doesn't know about that, my mom passed before she was born) My wife has never been anything like that at all.

I do intend to talk to my daughter, because a lot of people are saying my wife may be hurting my daughter behind closed doors- other than the fighting which we've been trying to work out for a while. I will speak with her, and depending on her answers, I will go from there. The biggest reason I dismissed my daughters concerns, though, was because it was all about me.

Like during that talk she never spoke up about her mother hurting her at all. If she had even told me that she had no reason for it, but she was afraid of her mother, I would have taken that to heart, and we could have figured it out from there. I just don't see my wife shouting and pouring out some coffee as anything remotely close to my mom.

dddd337 wrote:

Tell us more about the MIL. Does she usually intrude on your personal lives like this?

OP responded:

MIL and my wife were always close. She's said more than once that her mother is her best friend. Intrude...it's hard to say. I don't particularly like her knowing everything about our marriage because its weird to me, but then I had no relationship to speak of with my mother when she was alive, so I have no idea if thats actually just me being weird.

Over a year later, OP shared a major update.

It's been a while. I probably will regret posting this as much as I did the first time, though for different reasons. Before I begin, I want to thank all the kind people who reached out with genuine advice and with whom I had lovely conversations. I appreciate you more than I can say. Checking my history, I saw that I never updated after the conversation with my daughter about her situation with my wife.

We talked, and it went worse than I expected, but better than most of the comments. She never hit my daughter or threatened her. My daughter did bring up the yelling, and I listened, though she said she was never afraid of her mother, but she started to hate her when she noticed how she treated me; hence the change in appearance and rebelling.

She liked that I stood up for her when it came to her new style, because then I was 'standing up for something'. That makes me laugh a bit now, but at the time, I was confused. We talked a long time, and she said she thought maybe she could get over the resentment she had for her mother if she didn't have to see the way she treats me.

I didn't much like that at the time, and I admit I argued that I was an adult and she didn't have to fight my fights for me. My daughter said something like, 'If I don't, who will?' and it just kinda stopped me in my tracks, because my only answer, 'Sometimes you have to pick your battles,' sounds weak when you pick none of them.

I still intended to try to work on my marriage, despite the comments. I really hoped to turn things around because of their previous relationship, and frankly, how much I still loved my then-wife. But then she didn't come home for weeks.

I don't know if it was my daughters needling, or the fact I could tell she was upset at being abandoned by her mother at the first sign of trouble, but one day I eventually reached out and asked my ex-MIL when my wife was going to come home and act like an adult, and was told she was looking into divorce attorneys, and that if I wanted her back I should really work on getting my daughter to apologize.

It all felt so manipulative, and I just got so angry. I just hung up and spoke to my own lawyer. After being served, she tried to come back and cried that it was her mental health, but I was still so angry, I just shut her down and told her to leave. Divorce was finalized a while ago.

My daughter stays with me most of the time, since her mother moved out of state afterward, and she wants to go to college in the area when the time comes, but visits MIL, and speaks to her mother on the phone sometimes. As much as I hate to admit it, their relationship is improving since the divorce.

I don't hate my ex-wife, even if many, including my daughter, categorize her as abusive; she's the first woman I ever really clicked with in that way, and though I don't love her anymore, probably the last. I don't mind it so much, I have a full life without her around, and a quieter one as well. But, anyway, thank you all again for listening, and I am bracing for "I told you so's". I don't blame you, you did.

The internet did not hold back their thoughts one bit.

CelticDK wrote:

It does seem obvious that you were being a doormat if your own child viewed herself as needing to be your savior from her mother. Then learning the betrayal made how she felt 10x more valid. I believe your ex MIL wanted this outcome and felt similar to your daughter Hopefully you’re doing better for yourself and listening to your daughter more instead of being defensive lol. Good luck with everything.

OP responded:

My Ex MIL may have, but with the s#$t storm she was constantly starting during the divorce I doubt it. I think she just wanted to gossip and start drama. Predictable for her. From what I hear from my daughter, I don't ask, but she tells anyway, MIL is broken up about my ex leaving the state.

JTBlakeInNYC wrote:

She thought your daughter should apologize??! 🤦🏽‍♀️

You will be so much better off without her. ❤️

OP responded:

I'm fairly certain she wanted my teenage daughter to pretend she didn't even know. Which is ridiculous, and regardless of my feelings on the incident, that wasn't going to happen. and I wouldn't want it to.

r56_mk6 wrote:

Just wanted to say thank you for the update. I saw it was a year ago but you still care about us plebs :’) Great job not just telling your daughter “you’ll get it when you’re older” and dropping it. It was a very complicated and adult situation that I definitely wouldn’t have understood at 16 but do at 31.

Very cool you took what she was saying into consideration, a lot of people blow teenagers off, even when they’re right. Looking back, do you think you actually were a bad husband or do you think she was being manipulative and put it in your head? You said she’s the first and only woman you’ve clicked with, do you think that’s what made you believe her?

OP responded:

I do still believe that if I had done more and been more present during that part of our relationship, she wouldn't have cheated, but I also know, and have known, that doesn't excuse it, maybe explain, but not excuse. There were definitely other steps she could have taken before cheating, but she didn't.

Honestly I don't think about it much anymore, and I don't care to, it was so long ago I had put it behind me long before the divorce even started. To the other point, I don't know. All I know is that when I met my ex-wife, it was like I suddenly understood how someone could be with someone forever. I understood why people got married or had children, but before that, none of it made sense.

Don't get me wrong, my daughter is the greatest thing I've ever done, and I would thank god for her no matter who her mother was, but that's just the truth of how I felt. I just don't see myself dating again after that, before her it was always either for s#x (I was a sh#$ty teen and I know it) or because I thought I was supposed to, and going back to that now feels wrong.

[deleted] wrote:

Your daughter saved all 3 of your lives. Your wife was ab#$ive. Your daughter was being ab#$ed, and so were you. I'm glad she was adult enough to finally put an end to this madness. I really hope your ex-wife gets serious mental help and your daughter doesn't have lasting effects from it.

OP responded:

From what I know my ex is "Finding herself." Good for her, I never even knew she was lost. My daughter is a strong young woman. Stronger than I ever was or ever will be. I am more proud of her than I can possibly explain, even without this situation. She's the best part of my life, and to quote the old sayings, when I count my blessings I count her twice.