Bride battles hatred toward manipulative future MIL demanding to be their real estate agent. AITA?
"MIL going to be 'deeply hurt' if we don’t use her as a real estate agent."
My fiancé and I are getting married in two months and his mother has made the process extremely stressful. My fiancé is relatively good at handling her and setting boundaries, but we are currently trying to play our cards right so she doesn’t do anything crazy at the actual wedding.
Some of you may remember my prior post that I pulled down (it got too much attention and I panicked) about her going over our heads to our venue to set up a “surprise” that was just a repackaged version of an idea she pitched to us that we said no to (several times).
She’s done more than that, but for the sake of time I’ll get to the next big issue she’s latched onto. I think it’s important to note for context that we currently live in an “in-law suite” in my parents home while we save for a house.
We were in an apartment but it flooded and we decided that it was fate telling us to buckle down, start saving, and stop renting. My parents are very normal, well adjusted people. They respect our privacy and have never told me what to do without me asking for their input as an adult.
FMIL has a borderline adversarial attitude towards them and believes that myself and my family make all of the decisions and that my fiancé is just a stupid baby being led away from his real family by our evilness.
She’s said she feels like she’s losing a son and that she feels like me and my family (who she has harassed and called names) isn’t including her in any wedding planning. She’s just an “invited guest” and doesn’t feel “important”.
We also live in a different state from them (one state down, approx 1.5 hours away). FMIL became a real estate agent in her state last year after being unemployed for some time. She has sold three homes, all for family or family friends.
She is basically demanding that we use her as a real estate agent if we look in her state (which we are, but in a totally different area). We are still about 8 months - a year out from our savings goal, but she’s already started up the guilt trips.
Fiancé and I have already discussed this, and both of us agree that it would be a bad idea to involve her. Not only is she an emotional terrorist, but she also has an extreme preference for us to live in her state. She also is not licensed in the other state we are looking in.
Additionally, she treats us as children and I know for a fact she would try to manipulate us into buying what she thinks is the best fit. Well, I think she senses our hesitation because she had an hour long call with my fiancé last night where she all but demanded we use her.
Here are some notable quotes:
“You know, I know you are going to do what you want, but I’m just saying, because I can’t be anything other than totally honest, if you don’t use me I’ll be deeply hurt.”
“Have you and me talked about this yet? It seems like you already decided not to use me. If that’s true, I just want to know WHY.”
“No one is going to go to bat for you like your mom.”
“I’ll forgive you eventually if you don’t use me, but it’ll change things.”
“Ask anyone. They’d all say it was extremely weird for you to not use me.”
“I’ve already sort of accepted that you might live in her state.”
She also then launched into a scheme she has to essentially commit fraud on our behalf to “save us money” which I won’t detail here, for obvious reasons. We are planning on telling her post-wedding that we won’t be doing this, and also detailing our grievances from wedding planning.
It’s just so insane and I’m struggling to cope with the constant nonsense. I feel like I hate her, and I don’t like how she makes me feel at all. I am not a hateful person, but I am also not a pushover and with anyone else, I wouldn’t put up with her behavior.
I want to cut her off so bad, but I know I can’t reasonably do that 2 months before the wedding. I’m struggling to deal and looking for any advice on how to stop letting her affecting me/my fiancé like this.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
"We're not comfortable mixing business and family." Repeat as needed.
Sad-Interaction-1494 (OP)
He said this and it had literally no effect. She just kept bringing up that all the other houses she sold were for family and that it went GREAT and we are being unfair and cruel lol.
My father in law once advised me to never use a real estate agent you aren't willing to sue. Tell her that you'd hate to have to do that to her.
“I’ll forgive you eventually if you don’t use me, but it’ll change things.”
Don’t threaten me with a good time!
Let her be “deeply hurt.” This is a life changing decision that is to be made by you and your husband.
Yes, she may be "deeply hurt" but you, as a couple, are not doing anything wrong. Just because she has a compulsive need to run your lives, doesn't mean she should be allowed to.
You and your fiancée are just going to have to let her be hurt. Tell her you’re focusing on the wedding right now and aren’t interested in looking for a home yet, you’ll let her know.
Stop talking to her about it. When she brings it up say “that’s a year or two down the road” and change the subject, letting her drone on for an hour over how hurt she’ll be in this so far hypothetical situation is an insane waste of everyone’s time. Invent an emergency (“the dog’s peering on the carpet!”) and hang up.
If she’s not even licensed in the area you’ll be moving to even better. Just start house hunting when you’re ready without telling them. One day this great deal just fell in your lap and you had to make a snap decision! Good luck! And congratulations on your wedding!