'AITA for telling my MIL that if she continually ignores my role as my daughter’s mother she will no longer be welcome in her life?'
"AITA 34F for telling my 64F MIL that if she continually ignores my role as my daughter’s mother she will no longer be welcome in her life?"
My husband (38M) and I (34F) just had our first baby, a beautiful 4-month-old daughter, and we're over the moon. However, my MIL has been a constant thorn in my side. She's an amazing grandma, don't get me wrong, but she consistently ignores me as a parent and only acknowledges my husband's role.
She asks him how he's adjusting to fatherhood, and even invited him out to a concert without including me, saying it's because he's been working hard and is a great father. Um, hello? I'm the one who carried this baby for 9 months, pushed her out, and is now caring for her full-time as a SAHM.
The final straw was when she showed up at our home just 4 days after I gave birth and gave my husband a gift geared towards him as a first-time father, without even acknowledging me or my role as a new mom.
When my husband spoke with her about it, he suggested that if she wants to support him, she could either babysit our daughter or give us tickets to an event together as a couple, so we can both get a break and spend some quality time together.
But she got defensive and made some snide comment about "a son being a son until he takes a wife" and implied that it would be disloyal to me for him to accept a gift from her.
It's clear to me that she's manipulative and trying to drive a wedge between my husband and me. But luckily, I married a great and loyal husband who puts our little family first and always defends me to his mom.
He's stood up for me and made it clear that he values our relationship and our family unit. She's shown a clear disparity in how she treats us, buying my husband expensive gifts for his birthday while I got a simple text on my birthday.
My parents live in another country, so I thought my MIL would make an extra effort to support us as a couple, but it feels like she's intentionally excluding me. AITA for feeling frustrated with my MIL's behavior and expecting her to treat me as an equal partner in parenting?
I could be the AH because I finally had enough and told my MIL I will not allow her around my daughter if she can’t acknowledge my role as the mother in my daughter’s life as I’m not going to allow my daughter to be around that as she is older seeing her mom being consistently overlooked. I could be the AH because my consequence may have been too harsh.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA, MIL is in love with her son. Never understood those but ill always support any kind of post like this that goes against them. Your husband is a great man and great job thinking about your daughter and installing proper values that she will hold onto when she is older.
She has a son who decided to have a wife same way her husband decided to marry her and put her first, she should encourage her son to put you first and not to let you down. You are supposed to be her daughter, jealousy is a poison.
As the single mother of an adult son, I find mothers that are so enmeshed with their sons to be beyond strange and perhaps mentally ill. I love my son and he loves me. I was his only parent. However I was a successful parent as in I raised a child to adulthood. He is an adult. We still love each other but his life, his family comes first to him.
That is exactly what being a parent is all about - getting your children to transition to adulthood and never holding them back. These stories about the mothers of sons who want to displace their daughters in law make me feel queasy. Bleeech!
NTA…
And hubs needs to step the hell up with MIL
Yeah, NTA at all! She’s being disrespectful to you, even though your husband has made it clear that it’s wrong. Definitely manipulative! Don’t allow her to upset you, set your boundaries!
If she doesn’t respect them, maybe she doesn’t deserve to see you. No matter what, don’t let toxicity be part of your life. I’m sure your husband will take an even bigger step as well…
This may be unpopular but here we go. You’re entitled to your in-laws’ respect, not their friendship. She doesn’t have to spend her money on you if she doesn’t want to.
She does need to be respectful by asking you how you’re doing, and talk to both you and your husband about things concerning your daughter but that’s it. She doesn’t have to be your substitute mom. Sometimes our in-laws are nothing more than our spouse’s parents and our children’s grandparents.
Also consider: if your MIL does start treating you like a daughter, you’ll know she’s only doing it to continue to be in her son and granddaughter’s lives. It won’t be genuine. Why would you want a relationship like that? Personally, I would want to keep everything as it is now because at least I know where I stand with my MIL.
It would be nice if she would make a better effort towards you, but your husband is her son, of course she loves him more than she loves you.
Evening_Business8595 (OP)
Loving him doesn’t mean she should ignore me. Including me doesn’t negate or take anything away from her love of her son. Ignoring me by just solely giving my husband gifts for being a first time father when the mother is the one your DIL who just gave birth is extremely tone deaf and insensitive and sets the tone.
This isn’t about loving your son this is about common decency and respect. It would have been a lot more polite and respectful and made me feel like a sort of her family if she gave a gift to us as parents. Something for the nursery etc not something geared towards just my husband.
Luckily (as he should!!) my husband had my back and put me first by politely telling his mother mom I’m sorry but my wife your DIL is the one who just gave birth and carried your GD for 9 months yet you are giving a gift just to me. I can’t accept if you are going to openly ignore and disrespect my wife.
Then she cried yes cried saying I guess a son is a son till he takes a wife and that I forgot once a son has a baby I am relegated to just a grandmother no longer your mother I have to support the family unit as a whole or not at all.
NTA… usually that kind of behavior comes from women who didn’t really get the affection they dreamed of from their husbands, so they end up using their sons as some sort of emotional “replacement.”
Super annoying, but also kinda sad if you think about it deeper… Just focus on the beautiful family you’ve built — other people’s unresolved issues shouldn’t become your problem. If she can’t be happy for your happiness, then she really doesn’t deserve a place close to you.