'Evil MIL insults her grandchildren, wants access to hospital after I give birth.' AITA?
"Evil MIL insults her grandchildren, wants access to hospital after I give birth. AITA?"
I (9 months pregnant) have some serious concerns regarding my MIL and her problematic behaviour and I'm looking for some advice on how to handle this situation in the future because it makes me really anxious.
First of all she's a very rude and impulsive person. Like a stubborn child she can only focus on herself and never considers the feelings of others. That often leads to her lashing out on service personnel, talking behind other people's back (even in public when they're sitting right in front of her) and spreading false narratives about her children out of spite.
One thing that has bothered me a lot (especially now that I'm pregnant) is the way she treats her grandchildren (my SILs children):
Every time they visit she complains in advance about how she doesn't want them around because they're too loud, too dirty and too exhausting.
Last time they visited she was constantly annoyed, barely even talked to them and when she did it was just telling them to shut up or go somewhere else. She even suggested they should eat outside at the porch while the adults could stay inside to have dinner, so they wouldn't bother us. It was 55 degrees.
She constantly fat shames her grandson to the point where he has stated that he feels uncomfortable around her and asked his mother to leave. She once called her 4yo granddaughter disgusting until she cried - all because she was too shy to talk to her. (It was only the 2nd time she ever met her, by the why.)
She always complains about having to get them presents for their birthdays or christmas because she doesn't want to spend money. Then she says stuff like "20 bucks should be enough I'm not spending more on those greedy kids".
Whenever she's confronted about her behaviour she victimizes herself. She claims that she was just joking and she didn't mean it. Then she puts the blame on her opponent.
"You are being mean to me, why do you not understand my humor, you are attacking me for no reason. You hate me don't you? Just say you don't want to be around me".
Now back to the current situation:
My Bf and I do not want anyone to come to the hospital after I gave birth. We want to have privacy and be alone with our child. We also do not want any visitors for at least a week after coming home. It is just too much stress and pressure and we want to relax and get accustomed to the new situation in peace without other people intervening.
When my Bf told her about it she seemed to understand but this week she visited us and insisted on being in the hospital right away. She said that she has a right to see her grandchild and that she doesn't care about what we want. She will come anyways no matter what we say.
I was shocked. I didn't know how to react because I couldn't believe how someone could be this tone deaf. My Bf told her to respect our boundaries and to stay away and not cross the line.
Guess what - of course she claimed that she was joking and she didn't mean it so she wouldn't have to take accountability or apologize. But she did talk about wanting to visit right after we come home from the hospital.
We said we will inform her when we're ready to see anyone. She also said that she wants to take the baby on a walk ALONE when she visits. That's definitely not gonna happen. I'm not handing my newborn child over to this lunatic and let them leave together.
Right now I am just afraid. I am afraid of her showing up at the hospital. Afraid of her calling us nonstop and pressuring us to let her come over. Afraid of her taking the baby without our consent. And most of all I am afraid of her insulting and abusing our daughter in the future. I have been severely abused in my childhood and I don't want the same for her.
This has really affected my mental health in the past days leading to multiple panic attacks. Does anyone have advice on how to handle a situation like this and keep her at distance?
How can I find peace and overcome the anxiety? I don't want to live in fear. My Bf says he has my back but I know that he isn't ready to go NC yet, so I will definitely be confronted with her sooner or later.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Tell the labor and delivery nurses that you want to not be listed publicly as registered and you want NO visitors.
Go no contact. Tell BF that he can have whatever relationship he wants with her but you will not allow her around you or baby. Tell him that you are going no contact. Tell him that if he lets her in the house, you will lock yourself in the bedroom until she leaves.
Tell BF NOT to contact her when you go into labor. Tell your doctor and hospital staff that she is not allowed near you and the baby. No information sharing. Keep your doors locked. Get a sling and WEAR your baby anytime she is nearby.
It would be so very tempting to start sending her random texts “On the way to the hospital “ wait 5 minutes “just kidding “ to waste her time and energy. But, more seriously, remember that YOU are in control here. Make your plans and be prepared to follow through.
"I'm sure hospital security would find your joke hilarious."
"If you try to visit before we invite you, the door will be locked."
"You will not be taking our baby anywhere without permission. We will send the police to find you if you try."
She has no power over you. Do what you have to do to protect your child, even if it means she spends some time locked up.
Ban her from the house. Immediately. “We know you arent joking. You are being obtuse, rude and bullying. We are not dealing with that. We will let you know when are welcome to visit. Until then, don't bother us.”
She needs to be told no by your bf, including her not being welcome in your house. Get a ring camera and do not unlock the door. If she will not leave, call the police to remove her. Tell the nurses at the hospital not to let her in.
They are fierce, and will corral her. You do not ever need to interact with this person. Your bf can interact with her on his own. She does not see your child ever. If she doesn't change her behavior, none of these boundaries will change.
Tell your doctor and the nursing staff that you want zero visitors, no exceptions. They are very used to keeping stubborn visitors out. I wouldn’t even tell anyone when you go to the hospital or leave it.
If you want to you can send a group text when you get home, announcing the baby’s arrival and reminding everyone you’ll let them know when you’re ready for visitors but for the foreseeable future you will be silencing your phones.