'AITA for telling my MIL that she 'made her choice' when she chose to keep seeing my husband's ex?' + UPDATE
"AITA for telling my MIL that she 'made her choice' when she chose to keep seeing my husband's ex?"
I (33F) and my husband Tom (35M) have been NC with most of his family for three years. Within those three years, I've had twin boys, which has made my MIL try to get back in contact with me. There's a lot of history, but here's a brief summary of why Tom and I are NC, and it all revolves around Tom's ex, who we'll call Talia.
So, I am Indian American, and Tom is white. He comes from a pretty traditional family, and grew up in a "small town". Talia was MIL's best friend's daughter, and they were the small town romance everybody envied.
However, upon meeting in college, Tom and I just clicked on a platonic level, and to be honest, I didn't even have feelings for Tom until four dates in. I guess you could say he had an "emotional affair", but he never did anything physically romantic until he broke up with Talia. Talia, of course, remained in contact with his family since she had been (according to MIL) "the daughter she always wanted".
Keep in mind, Tom HAS A SISTER! But, Talia is more of a homemaker, while my SIL (who is an absolute ANGEL) and I had always been more career focused. Talia had been at every holiday, family gathering, and get together since the very start of the relationship, and at first I paid it no mind.
I was civil to Talia because MIL made it clear Talia mattered to her, despite Talia's blatant distaste and disrespectful attitude towards me. That changed at my weddings.
We had two, and my parents footed the bill for both. The dress code was simple, aside from the obvious no white/wedding party colors rule, NOBODY was supposed to wear red. I am well aware that red means you slept with the groom, but more importantly, RED IS A BRIDAL COLOR IN MY CULTURE!
I wore a red lehenga and saree to my Indian wedding, which she wore an "eggshell" (off white) dress to (keep in mind, white is worn at funerals to represent purity in my culture). That got my aunties and cousins talking, but I still had a blast since I really didn't care.
I DID care when she showed up to the 'American ceremony' in a floor length, apple red gown with a slit going up the leg. It was a bridesmaid's dress, and it violated the dress code. My SIL, along with Tom, went to tell her to change.
She did leave after having a hushed argument and came back in a tea length green gown (I assume she just wanted to see if she could get away with it). Apparently, my aunties saw this too. Which meant Talia was subjected to stares, whispers, and backhanded giggle fits throughout my whole 'American' wedding.
It made Talia feel embarrassed and she cried to MIL, who went to me and told me to "keep my kind in line". To this, I crossed my arms and told her that maybe Talia should've stayed in her lane, that she knew not to wear red for multiple (but mostly cultural) reasons, and it wasn't my fault my family is shaming her.
It isn't my fault she became canon fodder for my gossiping gaggle of a family (yes, I said those words since that is what my aunties are). Those were the consequences of her actions. Tom and SIL backed me up, and MIL left with Talia before dessert.
The next day there was a social media post from Talia, crying about how she was 'exiled' from her 'best friends' wedding because the bride was jealous. I made a post back, telling her that she wore red, knowing how inappropriate it was.
How her 'best friend' is her ex, and to not sugar coat what she did. I then tagged my MIL in a separate post with screenshots of Talia's post and told her this was the last straw, and that I have been disrespected by Talia from the very beginning of my relationship, and that now that I was her DIL, she needed to keep Talia away from 'family events and holidays' since she doesn't respect my husband and I.
I didn't care if they still went on weekly shopping sprees or spa days, just keep her away from Christmas and BBQ's. Talia removed her post after being publicly called out. MIL was good on this compromise until three years ago, after Talia came to Thanksgiving with a pie and a plastered smile, A THANKSGIVING THAT I WAS HOSTING.
She said something along the lines of 'MIL invited me' and 'I wanted to make sure MIL can actually eat something, since I know you tend to cook ethnic food'. I slammed the door in her face, went over to MIL, and told her she could leave with Talia, who I just slammed the door on.
Tom looked at his mom, who had this deer in the headlights look. She tried to sputter excuses, and my FIL tried to defend my MIL, but Tom stood firm. He said they had lost access to him, and any extension of him, since they chose Talia. My in-laws (aside from SIL) left, and we haven't spoken since.
Fast forward to last week, I got a text from an unknown number, and it was MIL. She said she saw a picture of my boys from a mutual friend's post, and wanted to reconcile. She said she'd keep Talia away this time, and that ever since she got cut off, she's been in minimal contact with Talia anyway (her Facebook begs to differ).
I told her as much, saying I knew BS when I smelt it, and "she made her choice". I told Tom about it, and asked if he missed his family. He shrugged, saying he doesn't care, and it's been relieving not having his mom around (he's the youngest son of three, so he was always the 'baby boy'). But, I have since received text from my BILs, their wives, and my FIL begging for a second chance.
She always wanted to be a grandma, and I do feel like I'm robbing her of a chance. Her other sons haven't had children yet, and SIL cut her off when we did. But, you can't undo nearly a decade of disrespect with wishes and wants. And Talia is still in the picture, so I'm skeptical about how long that promise will last.
I feel like I'm being calloused, but there are so many stories I can tell about Talia's disregard for Tom's boundaries, and mine. And I don't want to welcome a storm into my house by opening up the gates. AITA for telling my MIL "she made her choice" after she kept my husband's ex around?
EDIT: since there seems to be some confusion, I want to clarify Tom did not cheat on Talia with me. Tom broke up with Talia after a few platonic hang outs with me. That is why I said you could call it an 'emotional affair', because you could argue it was one: loosely.
Tom only asked me out after he broke up with Talia, and I accepted after he confirmed via texts (he had broken up with her while visiting home for the weekend). There was no overlap between Talia's relationship and mine with Tom. So, for everyone who thinks I was 'other woman' and 'the reason my MIL hates me if because Tom cheated on Talia', no he didn't.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s initial post:
NTA, MIL made her choice, said she changed but you see she hasn’t on FB, so she doesn’t deserve another chance. There is no endless chances clause, no auto forgive clause or the right to be included for anyone or family. If you don’t behave you don’t get to be included. When you get the chance tell MIL she can be grandma to Talia’s kids.
Not to mention mil has had years before kids arrived to apologize and hasn't. She just wants access to your kids, even if they are half Indian. Which btw what's stopping mil from acting like that toward them and putting them down?
INFO: Did you marry your husband or your BILs, their wives and your FIL? Because your husband is relieved, but you seem to think you might be the AH for not taking away that relief? It's just a weird thing to think you are an AH for not being a bad wife.
Ok-Disaster-1788 (OP)
It is mostly due to my overthinking, I just tend to overthink now (which really wasn't a problem before having kids). I once spent twenty minutes in the kitchen debating on if Tom thought my feet smelt post birth.
Legit cried, and Tom had to hold me and assure me I didn't stink. It's funny now, but back then I was worried about an oncoming divorce because my toes were gross XD Postpartum hormones were haywire and my confidence never fully recovered.
Nine days later, the OP returned with an update.
OK! So, first off, thanks to everybody who supported me on my first post! I just wanted to clarify a few things, since I was in hysterics when I wrote the OG post and worded some things weirdly. First off, Tom didn't cheat on me.
The timeline goes as followed: Tom and Talia were originally forced to hang out since childhood and Talia developed a crush, the two got together in 7th grade, Tom left for college and met me.
We hung out (just PLATONIC) and had stuff in common (more stuff in common than Talia and he) he went home and broke things off with her, he asked me out the following week, and it took four dates before I actually started to view him as a serious potential partner.
See, NO interlap of relationships, NO affair, NO reason for all those comments saying I was an AH for "being the other woman". Also, thanks for the people who defended me against these people! And before anybody says "you're being awfully defensive, you must have cheated."
I'm defensive because I view adultery as a crime nobody can come back from. In my culture, adultery is very common (I believe studies showed 55% of married Indians have committed it, and so it is a sensitive subject.
Also to clarify, Talia is the one who wore the white dress to the Indian wedding, and (attempted to wear) the red dress to the American wedding. I know a few people were confused on that too!
So now on to the update!
We have remained NC with MIL! After receiving a few more messages from that number, Tom and I formulated a reply that was along the lines of this: 'Dear MIL, you have repeatedly showed you don't care about Tom and I's feelings regarding multiple things.
I'm sorry if our relationship broke apart that fantasy you had with Talia being your DIL, but the fact is it wasn't going to happen. Talia has been a constant thorn in our relationship, both you and her have been passive aggressive, rude, oblivious, and snide in your remarks and actions towards us.
You said you would refuse to come to the weddings if Talia was not invited, which you KNEW would make Tom look bad to my elders, who UNLIKE YOU, have since accepted him as one of our own. You allowed Talia to berate me, comment about me, joke about me, and if I ever tried to 'joke' back, you would say 'that's not nice, she was just joking'.
Funny how 'jokes' were pretty one way in that house. You made it VERY clear that TALIA is "the daughter you always wanted' hence why SIL cut contact when we did. The only reason your sons stay is because they know if they leave, then you'll die with no kids to mourn you, since you nitpick their wives now that I am no longer around to be the scapegoat.
I have screen shots of everything between you and Talia, and texts from the both of you, mocking ones and threatening ones. If you try to come after me for grandparents' rights, I will get my attorney and I will make sure you keep you away from my family.
With all do respect, please leave us alone. You were fine not talking to us before we had kids, maybe Talia can finally move on and give you grandkids. Sincerely, the OP family."
I then blocked their numbers and set all my socials to private. Tom did as well, and we have talked to family about going private and unfriending people who may have ties to MIL or Talia. Things have been quiet since then.
I know Talia has seen the post, since she screen shot the post and sent it to Tom via one of those apps you can get a spare number through. He sent a few laughing emojis before telling her he knows about the post and blocking her.
Tom has always had my back like this, even if Talia was in the picture, he and SIL would do little things to show we were a united front. I know a lot of people gave Tom flack in the last post for not standing up for me, but keeping my MIL in check was like a circus act, and my aunties are gossips to their cores.
Once, during a family BBQ, Talia spilled cola on my sundress, and Tom 'accidentally' pour his water over her head while talking to SIL as they walked past. It was like a Cold War, and as of right now, we finally seem to be winning.
I got a message saying that Talia coming to my weddings was comparable to Camilla going to Diana and Charles' wedding, and now that I look back at it, it kind of was! Only, Talia will always be the ex XD.
If MIL or Talia does something, I'll be sure to come back! I got locked out of my account for 'suspicious activity' apparently the mods thought I was a bot lol. So hopefully it doesn't happen again! Thank you all for your support!
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s update:
Damn doesn’t Talia have a job, a man,kids of her own, a life, her own blood related family or even friends? She is like a parasite attached into every corner of your husband’s wider family so bizarre and pathetic.
Having read your prior post, I honestly think that the response you formulate with your husband, needed to come from him alone. Not because you don't have every right to speak up, but he needs to do a hell of a lot more to defend you. Hindsight is a thing, but why on earth he didn't step up and nip all of this in the bud yonks ago, is beyond me.
Also, am genuinely curious here, so no malice meant at all. :) but why is wearing white not ok to an Indian wedding? Obviously I know it is a faux pas here, but didn't know it was a thing in your culture?
Ok-Disaster-1788 (OP)
Its not that its not ok, each bride is allowed to wear what colors they want. However, we states no white and no red. White is typically worn at funerals in Indian culture, so I personally view wearing white (and all its off-forms) as someone wishing death to the relationship. That's just personal superstition.
Also, Tom has defended me. He and his sister always put up a united front because Talia was deeply ingrained into the family dynamic. MIL is one of those 'church ladies' and Talia is also highly involved with the church, so every nook and cranny had a bit of Talia.
It wasn't possible to totally cut her off, since at that point in time we wanted to keep his family in his life, we just had to prove I wasn't leaving. Now, we don't care, so no more MIL drama.