'AITA for telling my MIL that it is inappropriate to keep asking her son for money?'
"AITA for telling my MIL that it is inappropriate to keep asking her son for money"
Little-Variation-376
I will try to keep it short. MIL has asked for money since the 1st day I met her. She was a SAH Mom for most of her life, and had 4 sons with 2 different men. Both ex-husbands have passed away, so now she reaches out to her sons for money.
Boyfriend (31M) and I (29F) live together and have been together for two years. In that time, he has paid her cell phone bill regularly, given her 500€, sent her random amounts between 50-100€, bought her things for her home (toaster, new comforter, etc.) and even brought her food. Many times she doesn't even say thank you, maybe twice?
BF and I are comfortable, but not rich. I am a free-lance tutor and he is a security guard. We are tight, but make do. For a year , MIL has been pushing him to agree to give her 50€ monthly.
She thinks if each son gives her 50€, then she can have 200€ a month. I don't understand the need for this extra money. The government helps pay for her apartment, and she gets Social Security and a pension.
Between her 4 sons, they pay for her home goods, another son pays for her hair and nail appointments (way more frequently than I even allow myself to go to the salon, and I don't even get my nails done), another takes her out to eat. No matter what she receives, she insists on more each time.
Yesterday was my BF's birthday, and today is my MIL's birthday. Because they are so close in days, and we both work today, we brought her a birthday cake last night to celebrate both birthdays together.
She had nothing prepared for my BF, not even a card, but was happy to accept the cake. Things were actually okay until we finished eating and she brought up money again.
She said she complained to her friend how she has four sons and only one of them helps her (so untrue, as I have a record at this point of everything everyone, myself included, has bought her). She said her friend would be calling the sons because "50€ to you guys is nothing, but to me it is a lot."
I calmly asked, "MIL, when you decided to have 4 children, what was your plan for when you got to this age?"
She said, "Oh, I didn't have one."
I said, "Oh, okay. And why do you think 50€ is nothing to your son? How can anyone say 50€ is nothing to anyone with the cost of living these days."
She said, "Yes, but would you let your mother go hungry?"
I said, "No, I wouldn't, but your sons haven't let you go hungry." I added, "I am actually really surprised that on your son's birthday, when he brought YOU a cake on HIS birthday, came to YOUR house, and you didn't get him ANYTHING, not even a card. You are comfortable sitting her making him feel bad for not giving you money."
He didn't stop me, so I kept going, "At 31 years old, do you think your son and I don't want to start our own family? But we know we can't do that economically, and we don't want to burden our kids with that in the future." She lost it. I am banned from the family now. BF is 100% on my side. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
dikkydikkydakka
NTA. Having kids is not an investment. You build a family knowing the risk, that if your kids can’t support you, you will support yourself. I understand some cultures might see it differently, but having kids =/= financial security in your days when you are old.
She sounds very selfish, and it seems like the reason she had kids in the first place, was to secure her retirement. She needs to find a way to either get more money, or budget better with the amount of money she already has.
The OP responded here:
Little-Variation-376
That is 100% how I feel. Thank you so much for commenting and providing insight. What a crazy past 24 hours!
dikkydikkydakka
It gets a bit cloudy sometimes when you’re in the middle of the drama, but being an outsider here I can tell you, you are in the right. How are you and your partner supposed to start a family and raise kids if you have to also raise a geriatric child? She’s had her whole life to set herself up financially. If she’s not happy with where she is now, she’s only got herself to blame.
C_Majuscula
NTA. Sounds like you won the lottery by being "banned" with your husband by your side. Hopefully, this will help him feel less guilty for not giving her another euro.
ColdstreamCapple
NTA. Maybe she should get a JOB rather than sponge off taxpayers AND her kids……Her bad choices in life have put her in this position and it’s time to hold her accountable rather than let her entitled self lay the guilt trip on her kids.
My biological mother was a similar type of character OP, Sometimes you have to practice tough love and it’s time she stands on her own feet. You have my sympathies!
The OP again responded:
Little-Variation-376
Really appreciate your insight! Yes, about 14 years ago she had an opportunity to sell her home in her second divorce, but she decided she wanted to make it difficult on ex hubby, and ended up with herself and the four boys basically homeless.
Now that THEY have finally made a life for themselves and escaped the cycle of poverty, she expects a lot from them. Too much IMO. I understand asking for help, humbly, from time to time. But regular monthly payments are opening a pandora's box IMO.
Scree_fox
NTA. Good on you for standing up for your partner on his birthday!