'My MIL moved in and I can't wait to move out, but it will cause financial strain. AITA?' UPDATED
"My MIL moved in and I can't wait to move out, but it will cause financial strain. AITA?"
Throwaway b/c my fiance follows my main. Me (F29) and my (ex?)-fiance(M27) have been living together for about 1.5 years. Fiance got his undergraduate degree, worked for a couple years and then decided to get an MBA which is how he ended up in our city.
We moved in together after he finished his MBA program. Fiance is from the mid-west and his mom has always wanted him to move back. When he told her he was staying here she was heartbroken.
I went to college and got my degree in a STEM field. After I graduated, I got a job with my current company and moved to the city where we currently live. It's a big international company with multiple locations in the US and international. I love my job, I like the company I work for, and the pay is pretty good.
All in all, a pretty good deal. In 2020 my office shut down and we all went WFH. After that they decided not to reopen this office so I've been 100% WFH since then. I currently make considerably more than him - mainly because I've been working for 7 years and I'm in tech.
I had been living by myself in a one bedroom apartment and just had my office set up in the living room since it was just me. When we moved in together, we decided to get a two bedroom apartment so I could use the extra room as an office. Because of this I was paying 2/3 of the rent and he paid 1/3. We split everything else 50/50.
So the problem started this past May. Fiance's mom told him she wanted to move to our city to be closer to him. She asked if she could stay with us while she looked for a job and got settled. She's a teacher so figured she'd be able to get a teaching job pretty quickly. Because of that I didn't really mind her staying with us as I figured it would just be for a couple months over the summer.
Since I thought it would only be for a couple months, I moved my office into a corner of our bedroom and fiance bought a bed to put in the 2nd bedroom. The problem is she never applied for any teaching positions and has been living with us for 6 months now.
She and I have really been struggling with each other since she moved in. I can't make her understand that I work full time. She constantly interrupts while I'm working, which is bad enough but she even interrupts when I'm on Teams calls. She always asks me to take her places bc she doesn't like to drive in our city.
She has pretty outdated views of gender roles and is constantly giving me a hard time for not doing more around the house and making Fiance help with chores, do his own laundry, etc.
The constant critisism and insults are just really wearing me down. And I HATE having my office shoved in a corner of the bedroom. Back in September I told my fiance that since it looks like his mom is going to stay awhile we should split the rent 3 ways.
He told me she can't affort that since she has to conserve money until she gets a job. I told him I wasn't happy paying extra for a bedroom I can't use so finally he said we could do a 50/50 split. I could afford to pay the extra, but I hate the idea of funding her lifestyle.
Every time I complain about her or the situation he says he agrees but doesn't know what to do becaused he can't kick out his mom. And he won't talk to her about the way she treats me or how she behaves.
When I ask what the longterm plan is, he just says he doesn't know. I've thought about giving him an ultimatum to tell her she has to leave, but I think he'd just end up resenting me for essentially putting him mom on the street.
So one of my girl friends is losing her roommate the end of February. Our lease renews June 1st. I'm very strongly considering moving out of our current apartment and moving in with her. I can afford to pay my part of rent on our current apartment and also half the rent at my friends apartment. It's not ideal but I'm not a big spender so it's doable.
The issue is - If he and his mom aren't able to pay for 1/3 the rent each, there is no way they could cover the whole thing on their own. But I can't live like this anymore, so I'm pretty sure this is what I'll do but I wanted to see what others thought.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Your happiness doesn't seem to be their problem so I don't see why their financial comfort should be yours.
Stop asking him what the plan is. Ask her what HER plan is. Give her a deadline. He has no say in this matter. Your name on the lease, your rules. She needs to pay her share (1/3) through whatever date you set.
He can live with you, or he can live with his mother, but he doesn't get it both ways. I would take the opportunity given and move. Tell him that you will not be her chauffeur, you will not be interrupted during your workday, and you will not be treated as less important in your own home.
Is he going to be your ex because of this situation or he was already an ex? Either way, NTA. But I was just thinking if you move out, maybe he will see what he lost and be more motivated to get rid of his mom. That way he won't resent you for it?
He's probably going to be my ex because of this situation. Before she showed up, everything was good. But since she got it's shit-show. Honestly, at this point we're just two roommates that happen to sleep in the same bed.
I can't even remember the last time we had "personal time" because she's always around, always watching TV in the living room on the other side of our bedroom wall.
5 days later OP came back with this update:
I posted here last week about the situation I'm in living with my soon-to-be ex-fiance and his mom.
I started off trying to reply to everyones comments and keep up but honestly I just got completely overwhelmed with all the comments. First off, I want to thank everyone for their feedback and comments, even the ones that were that were kind of harsh.
Actually, probably especially the ones that were kind of harsh. I really needed some tough love to make me realize that I was letting my stb-ex and his mom take advantage of me. The more comments I red, the more pi##ed off I got. Honestly, I think I'm more pi&^ed at myself for allowing this to happend and not advocating for myself more.
This past weekend I got my stb-ex alone so we could talk (which was actually harder than it should have been b/c his mom always tries to tag along when we do anythng). Going through all the comments everyone left and the PMs people sent really helped me decide how to approach this. And also, brought up a lot of good questions I should have thought of myself.
Back to the discussion with the ex - I wanted to give him one more chance to pick us over his mom, not because I thought he would but I just wanted to be able to tell myself I give him the opportunity.
I explained again about how unhappy I am with the situation, how it's affecting my work because of her constant interruptions and just being unhappy and uncomfortable that I'm forced to work out of a corner in our bedroom.
And I reminded him that until a few months ago I was paying the majority of the rent and being that I make so much more than him, it's really my salary that keeps us all afloat. And I also brought up, again, the way she treats me and talks to me. And he replied the same way he has been: he agrees its not right how she acts and that it's really uncomfortable for for us all (wtf. I don't care if she's uncomfortable).
Previously I would have dropped it there. But this time I told him how angry and disappointed I was that he let me pay for 2/3 of the rent when she first moved and how unfair it was that I'm still paying for half when there are three people living there and she is the only one with her own bedroom. It was the same story, she has to conserve money since she doesn't have any income currently.
Which brought up the question of where all her stuff went when she moved, what money does she use for incidentals. So evidently, when she got divorced (she asked for the divorce after my EX went off to college. It doesn't sound like her husband/ex's dad wanted the divorce), his dad bought her out of the equity in their house.
Ex didn't have any idea how much that was or how much is left. But until she moved here she was working full time as a teacher and living in a small apartment so she should not have had to tap into the divorce settlement money very much. Other than that, Ex didn't have much insite to her finances other than what she told him (that she has to conserve money).
I told him straight up that I'm moving out before the end of the month. And from now on I'm only paying 25% (as some of the commentors pointed out, she has a whole bedroom while I have to share with a man-child. So she should have to pay twice as much), and after I move out I'm not paying for anything else - no utilities, no food, nothing other than rent.
I have a pretty idea what his finances are like, and if he has to pay 75% of the rent all by himself it's going to take a huge chunk of his net income. And after he pays utilities and buys groceries there won't be anything left for incidentals.
Rent was due on the 1st but it's not late until after the 5th, so he has two days to come up with the $$$. If he doesn't come up with it and I end up covering, then I'll reduce the amount I pay in future months.
The only reason I'm going to keep paying any of the rent is even after I move out, I'm still on the hook. I talked to the leasing office and they explained that since Ex and I signed a single rental agreement together (e.g. one contract we both signed as opposed to two contracts we sign individually) we are both responsible for the rent.
They don't care who actually pays as long as it gets paid. The only alternative would be if he agrees to sign a new lease by himself (or together with his mom). But in all likelyhood he wouldn't be able to pass the credit check on his own, so I'm kind of stuck. I don't think he'll do anything stupid tough because he's going to need to find someplace to live after this and a collection on his credit report wouldn't be good.
I also told him that I'm going to find someplace to work during the day until I move so she can't bother me. My friend I'm moving in with said I could work there during the day since she and her current roommate have in person 9-5s. I took her up on that for now.
After living with his mom, I'm not about to overstay my welcome so I'm going to find some other options that I can rotate through - someone suggested checking out the public library, or if it comes to it I'll get a memebership at one of those wework kind of places. Just in case, I brought my important papers/files/valuables and my friend is storing them for me until I move in.
He really didn't take it well. the surprising thing to me is that he was surprised by everything. He seemed really shocked that I wasn't priorizing his mom. I really got the feeling that he sincerly believed I wanted to take care of her as much as him and he kept saying stuff like, what about my mom, what am I going to tell her, that's how she is but we (?!!??!) still need to help her, etc.
He asked about our relationship and the engagement. I told him after I move out I need some space from him. In a few months when we've both had some time/space to process what happened, if we BOTH agree we can talk about the relationship.
But he'd have to prove that he's going to have my back going forward and will set boundries with his mom. I told him that just to avoid more drama, but I don't see a future in which we are together.
I told him he needs to tell his mom because she's not my responsiblity or problem and she'll know somethings up when I start moving my stuff out. He hasn't told her whats going on yet, but this weekend I'm going to start moving things so he doesn't have much time.
My friends current roommate starts a new job in another state on the 3rd, so in reality I can probably move in 2-3 weeks, just depending when she actually leaves.
I don't expect him do do anything bad (other than sulk and complain), but if he does something stupid, or doesn't pay his part of the rent, the ace up my sleeve is I'll tell the leasing office his mom moved in which is prohibited in the lease. Honestly, getting evicted would solve a lot of my problems right now so it's a pretty valid threat I think.
Now that I've mentally and emotionally seperated my self from him and his mom, I'm looking forward to her reaction when he tells her whats going on. If it gets too ugly, I'll find a cheap ab&b or hotel or something.
I've had some friends, including the one I'm moving in with, offer to let me couch surf for a few weeks but I just can't do that to someone else. So, that's it. I'm leaving and I really don't care how that affects them.
Here's what people had to say to OP after the update:
They totally took advantage of your good will, and now karma will bite them on the a@# for it. Good riddance.
This internet stranger is proud of you!! It’s always so irritating when men are surprised that you meant what you said about how you feel. 🙄Like surprise, words mean things!! Way to get on your own side and stay there!!
Good for you! You already let her stay well past her the agreed-upon time, and they should be grateful for that instead of mad you're finally putting your foot down. Did they honestly have no other pan? Was this supposed to continue indefinitely? They're about to get a rude awakening but it's no less than they deserve.
That is a great question. I have no idea what the long term plan was. Everytime I've brought it up with my Ex, he would say stuff like "we'll have to make sure she applies for next school year" but he would never talk to her to tell her that.
Plus, even if she does get a job for next school year, that isn't until Sept. And realistically it would be another month before she starts getting a pay check. There is no way I'd stay in this situation for another 8 months. I would end up in prison.
Girl don’t voluntarily get evicted! You don’t want that on your record.
lol - I totally agree. That is like a final option. Since I can't get out of the lease I need to make sure the rent gets paid. I'm trying to push as much of that on him as I can, so if I can make that work then it's all good.