'AITA for being upset that my MIL planned my husband's bday party on Mother's Day? I'm a new mom.'

"AITA for being upset that my MIL planned my husband's birthday party on Mother's Day even though his birthday is not on that day when it's my first Mother's Day as a new mom?"

I 27 F am married to my husband 29 M. We welcomed our first child, a wonderful baby girl this past year. The problem is that Mother's Day is this Sunday and my husband's birthday is a few days off from Mother's Day.

My MIL decided to host my husband's birthday on Mother's Day along with some Mother's Day festivities. She didn't ask our opinion on the day or scheduling. She just got with her people and decided a time and date and expects us to show up.

I expressed some reservations about the timing of this Birthday party when she brought it up the first time. It was met with the brush off. She states it will be "quick". Things with my husband's family seldom are. I am sad that it also leaves very little time for me to spend time with my mom.

Or even just time for me and my husband and daughter to have family time. I feel like my MIL took a special day that was supposed to be for me and made it about her son and by default herself.

This is a symptom of a bigger problem I think. I am frustrated with my husband for not standing up for me and frustrated with my MIL for always insisting that her and my husband's family come first and giving me friction if I give any push back. I was raised to be respectful to my elders but I feel that I am being disrespected my both my MIL and husband.

I don't know how to confront this tactfully and without doing harm to my relationship with the rest of my husband's family as it is not thier job to be considerate of me that should be my husband's job. If I do not attend or leave early they will be offended, especially his Grandparents who I have a good relationship with and whose house it will be at.

I am bummed out that my MIL has put this expectation on my first Mother's Day as a mom to spend it celebrating husband's birthday and my husband not having a problem with it. He didn't have a second thought about it until I brought it up to him. I know if we ask to reschedule it his mom will drag me through the mud and say I'm selfish and dramatic. I'm torn.

Am I overreacting or is this kind of thoughtless/ selfish on their part? I love my husband but AITA for being hurt and disappointed that he didn't immediately stand up for me and let me have a happy peaceful first mother's day and took it over for himself?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

MeanderingUnicorn said:

You have a big husband problem here. Your husband didn’t consider at all why this was a problem until you pointed it out. You need to sit down with him and discuss what all these subsequent Mother’s days are going to look like. Did he even have anything planned?? You need to have a frank discussion about why you’re hurt that you had to remind him to celebrate the mother of his child on her day.

And whatever you do, ALWAYS match his energy on Father’s Day or you are going to be so bitter. In regards to your MIL, I wouldn’t engage. It’s your husband’s job to set limits.

Icy-You3075 said:

If I were you, I'd go to my mother's and celebrate Mother's Day with her. You can celebrate your husband's birthday with him on the actual day or if you already has something planned on another day. So what if they're offended. They'll get over it. Or not. But who cares ? They certainly don't care about you. Stop being a doormat and your MIL will stop walking all over you. NTA.

Short-Classroom2559 said:

I would go spend the day with my mom and my baby. An invitation is not a summons. You do have a husband problem though. I'd definitely sit him down and let him know that this is a big milestone day for you. Celebrating your first year as a mom is important to you. Let him know you're more than willing to celebrate his birthday also but... on the actual day. Not on MOTHER'S day.

If he wants to spend the day with his mom, ok. But you should go be with your own mom. You didn't stop having one just because you got married and now have a MIL. You can also let mil know that you already made plans with your mother. It's polite and doesn't really leave room for her to argue.

lefdinthelurch said:

Your husband is not backing you up and is choosing himself and his family over you. Do with that what you will.

phtcmp said:

Traditions are going to be upset with changes. Your husband is 29. He can tell his mom he doesn’t need a “party.” If she wants to have a cake or acknowledge his birthday while everyone is already gathered, that’s not a big deal. He can (and better) also do something privately to celebrate you.

In her mind this has been MIL’s day for at least the last 29 years, so she’s used to dictating terms. If she fails to acknowledge you as a mom (to her grandchild no less) during the actual event, you would have more reason to be upset.

As for you mom, if this is going to be an all day thing, why not ask to have your mom invited to join in? Or excuse yourself (and baby) from part of it to see her. We’re hosting a MD brunch for my wife, her mom, my mom, and my brother’s MIL. Once we started having kids, we made it clear that we would likely host most holidays. Others are welcome to join in, or not. Most have.

OP responded:

It's definitely a birthday party as the main purpose and I doubt the mother's day aspect will get more than a passing comment. Mom and MIL aren't on good terms. My intentions are to leave and spend time with my mom. But it's a lose lose as no matter when my daughter and I leave I will be seen as rude and a bad wife. It just sucks all the way around.

There is no path forward that I can see where I am not viewed as disrespectful. I resent my husband putting me in this position on Mother's Day by not telling his mom that it's an inappropriate day to do this and forcing me to be the bad guy by leaving.

....thoughts?