MIL plays victim when confronted about posting baby's name against parents' wishes. AITA?
"MIL posted our baby’s name online after being told repeatedly not to."
For context, we have explicitly told MIL (and the rest of SO’s family) from the moment we announced our pregnancy that we do not want any information about our baby posted online.
No photos, no name, no “my sweet grandbaby turns 1 today” nothing. We have many personal reasons for this, but ultimately, we just don’t want our child’s identity plastered all over social media for everyone to see.
A few months ago, FIL “accidentally” posted a photo of LO on his public Facebook story. I happened to open the app late at night and saw it. I panicked and immediately had SO call him and walk him through taking it down.
FIL claimed he was trying to send the photo to someone and it got posted to his story by mistake. Whether that’s true or not, that was the final straw, and we stopped sending any photos of LO to SO’s family after that.
Fast forward to yesterday: I open Facebook and see that my MIL shared one of those “grandkids are my life” type of posts with one of those super boomer-style graphics and at the top of the post, she listed all of their names, including LO’s.
My SO doesn’t use social media, so I sent him a screenshot. He immediately messaged her to say we’ve made it very clear that we don’t want LO’s name online. She took the names off the post but then immediately went into guilt trip mode saying, “LO is almost a year old and still hasn’t been to his grandparents’ or great-grandparents’ house.
I’ve called and texted and apologized. What more do you and OP want from me? I hope OP is happy now.” My SO was calm but firm in his response. He laid it out clearly that her manipulative patterns and inability to respect boundaries are the exact reasons why things have been strained for so long.
He pointed out that she continues to push, pressure, and cross lines every time he tells her to just wait for me to reach out when I’m ready. He sent her five paragraphs breaking everything down and all she replied with was, “I won’t ask again. Love you all bunches” followed by three heart emojis.
The part that frustrates me the most is that even though I’ve been no contact for 6+ months, and she hasn’t been around our son in that time, she’s still managing to disrespect our boundaries. And now that she’s added LO’s name to the internet, after months of us being careful to keep that private, it just feels like another slap in the face.
I know to some people this might sound like an overreaction. But we’ve communicated this boundary over and over again, and she still managed to find a way to violate it. And somehow still turns herself into the victim when confronted.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I am just curious (and on your side) but having seen your past posts is there anything they can do at this point to make amends? Its seems like you don't want that, which is fine, but it might serve you better to just tell them so and go full NC instead of dragging this out.
It seems like a lot of stress and negative energy that you just don't need. If thats not what you want I'd recommend family counseling because taking space from them doesn't seem to be doing the trick. Best of luck! Hope this gets better for you.
I like how MIL tries to put the blame all on you. Like DH doesn't have an equal say in the decision making. And it doesn't matter if she disagrees with your boundaries or thinks they are overkill, you both have communicated to her what your boundaries are and she continually disregards them! I'm glad your husband has your back! He sounds like a good egg.
It’s not an inability to respect boundaries; it’s a refusal to respect boundaries.
It's not an overreaction. It's hard for us to believe people behave this way purposely and I think that's what's so difficult sometimes. It doesn't have to be this way, they choose it- then blame us. So so weird. Sorry you have to deal with that but definitely not an over reaction. Glad your husband has your back!
Classic Missing Missing Reasons. "I don't understand why the relationship is strained! I asked and all you did was send five paragraphs of text. Why won't you say what I did wrong?"
There has to be some sort of survival instinct to it, if she acknowledges what he sent, she'd have to face what she's done, so she just "doesn't understand." It's probably easier to sleep at night that way.
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Maya Angelou
"that was the final straw, and we stopped sending any photos of LO to SO’s family after that."
---Appropriate, related and proportionate consequences to prevent publication and to deter future boundary busting. Perfect so far.
"Fast forward to yesterday... ..MIL shared one of those “grandkids are my life” type of posts with... ...all of their names, including LO’s... ...She took the names off the post but then immediately went into guilt trip"
---The other responses made are good, but additional consequences are needed. If they visit LO once a month, DH telling her that due to the disregard of parental decisions and then guilt tripping over it, that you all will take a break.
Pausing visits for a couple months perhaps. Escalating to longer if there is more transgressions. ...or maybe there is another idea. But there should be something so she knows not to cross lines.
No contact might be an excellent response. Your SO can go visit but not you or the LO. They would just take pictures to send and post later. If asked, and they will, SO can say, “They are fine.” and then change the subject. Total grey rock in person or by phone.