'My MIL prevents my toddler from coming to me when she's visiting us. AITA?'
"My MIL prevents my toddler from coming to me when she's visiting us. AITA?"
I've (38F) noticed something weird when my MIL (65F) visits us and is with our daughter (now 24 months old). When our daughter sees me and tries to come to me or wants me to pick her up, his mom holds her shoulder and prevents my daughter from moving towards me.
I've noticed it over and over, when I arrive to pick her up at MIL's house, when I'm passing through a room and my daughter tries to walk towards me, or when my daughter has reached up to be picked up by me. And relatedly, when my daughter was very small and breastfeeding my MIL wouldn't listen to me sometimes when I said I needed to feed her.
My daughter would be crying and I would say I need to feed her, and sometimes reach out my arms for MIL to give her to me, and she'd act like she didn't notice and ignore me until my husband (38)m would say "Mom, [my name] needs to feed [baby's name]."
One of my friends asked me if I thought she might be doing it to help me, capacity-wise, but it never feels that way. It feels very controlling, and it gives me the creeps. I've also explained it to my therapist and she finds it odd too.
No one else does this to her/me. Not my mom. Not our part-time nanny. Not my friends. And it really stresses me out because it feels unhealthy in a number of ways and I don't know how to handle it.
People who I've talked to about it say to just be aggressive and say "No [husband's mom's name], let her come to me." But it's hard to do this when it happens suddenly and I'm caught off guard. Am I overreacting?
(Perhaps relatedly, my MIL thinks very highly of herself and tries to insert herself into everything, and doesn't seem to have a good sense of boundaries with her sons (34, 38, 40). It feels like she doesn't know her sons are grown ass men, or that I'm a grown ass woman.)
EDIT: Thank you so much to the other mom's who have been affirming and supportive, and who have offered helpful advice. Your concerns are my own related to my daughter's agency, and my MIL's disrespect for me (and others).
Added context - my MIL visits a couple times a month, and it's come up about once since I spoke with my husband, friends, and therapist about it. However we were surrounded by a group of other family members from my husband's side and I was not expecting it in that moment.
There's also this weird dynamic in my husband's family about not challenging each other, or being real about disagreements, so I feel kind of like a black sheep in that sense because I'm typically very direct and my family calls each other out. My husband's family avoids confrontation at all cost.
They're kind of brady bunchy. There's also this weird dynamic where they don't see what their mother does as weird, and I have to point it out to my husband repeatedly and it's disorienting feeling like I'm the only one that sees her behavior as inappropriate or suffocating. (She also bought a second house in the same town as us a month after we moved there with our 5 week old baby)
WHAT I DON'T NEED is people in here assuming that I'm not a good mother because I haven't confronted her about it - yet. I've literally reduced contact drastically and talked with my therapist about what I can do going forward, and it has come up only once since then.
It amazes me how quick people are to rag on others, and a loving attentive mother at that. Like, eff off, for real. I also don't need people jumping to conclusions and telling me I should stop having others take care of my child if I don't like how they do it.
I'm literally a SAHM that's spent a total of 9 hrs away from my child at most and we only have a nanny for occasional events like when my husband leaves town for work. You can also eff off. But again, thank you to the people who aren't AHs and who provided helpful support and advice.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
The message your MIL is giving to your daughter is that your MIL has more control over your daughter than you or your daughter herself. Your daughter wanting to go to you is a natural thing, and it shows she has agency. Your MIL is trying to override her agency and ruin it. You have to stop that now.
The next time this happens you tell MIL to let go of your daughter now. If she tries to argue, do not let her. Your daughter made a reasonable move, and MIL is unreasonably controlling her. Do not listen to whatever arguments she makes like not “spoiling” her. She doesn’t get to decide what’s best, you do.
If she still refuses to let go, then you tell MIL that she won’t be allowed to see daughter at whatever the next event is. Prep your husband, make sure he has your back. And while normally it’d be your husband’s job to do this, I think it’s important for your MIL to see that you’re the parent also, not just her son. This whole thing sounds appalling.
All of this 👆🏻✨ I'm feeling tears and sick in my heart that OPs daughter needs and wants her mommy, and the MIL pyscho/sociopath forcibly keeps her away. In the long term this could cause anxiety and separation issues for daughter, if hasn't already.
Square_Mix_2244 (OP)
It makes me sick too. It feels abusive and so bizarre. I'm feeling resolved about handling it aggressively though, thanks to everyone's feedback.
Updateme when you nip this in the bud cause I feel like MIL will act out. Please tell me your partner is on your side with this.
Square_Mix_2244 (OP)
He's on my side, he admits that it's wrong and not a good dynamic, and he says he is going to look out for it and try to correct the behavior. But he says he thinks it's "subconscious" and "not nefarious". I disagree...
NTA You're actually UNDERreacting.Try practicing saying a few phrases out loud at home so it's easier to get past that initial shock because you don't have to decide what to say. Maybe "MIL, why are you holding onto her? There's nothing dangerous here, let her walk where she wants to walk."
If she actually says she doesn't think your child should do something and you don't agree, try "That's a parenting decision, grandparents don't get a vote." And if she tries to take over or tell you what to do, there's the simple beauty of "No thank you" often followed by removing yourself and your child from the immediate area or the location entirely depending on the situation.
She's trying to take over your child, and you need to put your foot down about it. Be loud. "MIL, let go of my daughter right now or leave my house." "MIL, my daughter is hungry, give her back now or leave my house." Actually, your husband needs to be the one saying these things, and if he isn't, you have a husband problem.