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Mom 'publicly embarrasses' condescending vegan DIL at Thanksgiving. AITA? UPDATED

Mom 'publicly embarrasses' condescending vegan DIL at Thanksgiving. AITA? UPDATED

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"AITA for having kicked my daughter-in-law out of my Thanksgiving meal after her vegan feast fiasco?"

My daughter (21) lives with us while finishing college. My son (27) lives in the same city and I babysit his children (3 and 4). My sister, drove three hours with her husband and son (16) to come and see us.

DIL and I don't get along for many reasons I won't go into. She's also just one of those condescending people who thinks that constantly looks down on others, especially because of her veganism. Last Thanksgiving, she raised hell over me making a turkey, and claimed there weren't really any vegan options. There were.

Last week, DIL contacts me on FB asking for the 'menu', and then telling me what 'will' and 'won't' work. She also sent me many replication recipes to make for her, with expensive specialty items in all of them, many I didn't even know what they were.

This annoyed me, because I had already made sure to give my son, her, and her kids vegan options for the day, but it wasn't good enough. I finally just told her to go pound sand, and that she could bring her own dish for her family if she'd be that picky.

Thanksgiving happens. They arrive late with a ton of food dishes, parading them in, all with this vindictive grin on her face. Turns out, she, out of spite, took the exact menu, and made her own version of every single dish. Needless to say, I was livid, but I held my tongue.

My sister and daughter in particular did try the food and enjoy it. Every time they complimented her, she would give me this look as she received her thanks, before tacking on something like 'I just wanted to make a Thanksgiving meal that everyone could enjoy.'

The part where I finally snapped was at dessert. We have a family tradition where right before we sit down and say what we're thankful for. Its usually for family, or being able to gather.

When at her turn, she got the same smug, vindictive grin on her face, and in the most condescending way, said 'I'm thankful for starting the new tradition of a cruelty free, inclusive Thanksgiving, and I hope it continues next year!'

I saw red. I waited until my turn, and then said, as calmly as I could, that I was thankful that this would be the last Thanksgiving I'd be spending with her. It took them a moment to catch on, and soon enough nasty words were being exchanged on both sides. I finally kicked them out.

I didn't think about it until this evening, when my son sent me a text telling me that he would not be letting his children come over until I personally apologize to his wife. He said that while he sees my side, she 'didn't mean it', and that I took it way too far by publicly embarrassing her, when she spent so much time making food for everyone.

My husband is telling me I should just apologize, because it was rude of me and isn't worth it. He doesn't really get why it hurt me so much that she copied my meal to 'one up' me, and thinks the more food, the merrier. AITA here? Let me know.

Later, she updated the post to include:

I absolutely had vegan options for them to begin with. I had an entree for them (plus some backup nuggets for the kids), a few side dishes (most were vegan with non-vegan add-ons), and a dessert that I made.

She told me that those were fine, but the other entrees 'wouldn't work' and that I needed to make them all vegan. It wasn't a request to make something in particular, it was a demand that I redo everything. My son let it slip that she spent 'hundreds of dollars' on the food to make what she did, and he seemed to blame me for that.

Another note is that although the threat of the grandchildren hurts every time, it isn't the first time. Last time she made it two weeks and gave in, because they rely on the free child care four times a week while she's working.

I did not literally tell her to go pound sand. That is an expression. I told her that was the menu, and it will not be changed, but she was welcome to bring her own dish for her family.

And again:

Wow! This really blew up! I have a mini update. I've spoken with my husband, and I've told him that I flat-out feel unappreciated. I spent days making this meal, and for him, who watched me struggle, to blow it off as nothing was honestly hurtful.

I additionally reminded him of the other issues we've had, and have informed that I'm no longer going to be taking this from her or my son.

He is welcome to talk to them if he likes, but I, personally, am done. I am done being their free labor. I am done being her punching bag and power step. I am done just all around. We talked it a bit more, and he respects my choice and has apologized for his part in this.

Next, I told my son that if he wants to continue to try and manipulate me with his grandchildren, then I think its best we cut contact for a while, because I'm beyond hurt. I have explained my side to him (in tears), and it was met with an 'I know, but' I just told him to stop.

He gets free childcare. It's manipulative. He claims he isn't a part of it and its just his wife and 'I know how she is,' but I'm realizing that he's actually a huge part of it for enabling.

I've told him that I'm always there for his children, but that for now, I'd rather not have contact with them unless there's a dire emergency with no other options, or they both apologized, and that includes the consistent free labor.

His response was that I was making it difficult, because his wife would be upset if he apologized to me. That solidified my decision, and I've cut contact. My daughter is aware of what is happening. She's taken my side on this.

Of course, the jury of internet strangers was eager to weigh in on this vegan Thanksgiving drama. Here's what people had to say:

Luna-Strange said:

NTA. She did it out of spite. She owes you the apology. It's extremely rude to bring an entire new meal without the host’s permission, she sprung on you two dinners. Wasting all that food. For a vegan she's really not that smart.

Your son also is fully aware she meant it. Inform your son you will not say a word to her until she begs forgiveness for being so spiteful on a holiday about giving thanks. It's also not your problem how much money she wasted. That's on her and your son for allowing his wife to behave so poorly to his family. The blame is fully on her.

MsCKElle said:

NTA. This is why people don't like vegans, the proselytizing, the smug attitude, the display of privilege through expensive items...she's a GUEST in your house, you tried to accommodate her dietary requirements but she went a step beyond and went full diva, THEN had the cheek to get on her moralistic high horse trying to preach. Good on you for sending them a clear message!

juniperberry52 said:

NTA I would’ve lost it too. She sounds absolutely exhausting. Anyone wanting you to apologize to her needs to go pound sand as well. If they’re going to hold your grandchildren over your head to force you to bow to her, then they can go shove it.

Caribouhou said:

NTA. I’m vegetarian and I don’t judge what other people put into their bodies. Your DIL is incredibly self-righteous and the prime example of why people are so turned off by vegetarian/vegans.

People forget I don’t eat meat because I’m not such an a*shole. When I’m invited people are really nice and offer to make dishes and stuff, but if they don’t, I always offer to bring food for me to eat. I don’t impose my dietary restrictions on other people.

OnceUponAnElevator said:

NTA. There were options here. She could have talked to you about bringing the whole meal done vegan ahead of time. And then she went and spit your face about it. Sure, she might have spent a lot of time and money, but it wasn't 'for everyone.' It was for herself and her pride and her ego.

Even if she was sharing, it wasn't generosity. You could have said much worse. I feel like you caught the ball and threw it back. Sounds like she was trying to force it to do it her way in the future. I feel like that was your way of saying, 'Nope. If that's how we're doing it, we're not doing anything.' It might have been a low blow, but not AH level to me.

So, there you have it!

Everyone agreed unanimously here that this mom wasn't wrong at all for snapping at her entitled daughter-in-law, especially since she was already so accomodating of her veganism. Good luck, everyone!

Sources: Reddit
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