Woman debates canceling Thanksgiving after MIL’s admission she 'never liked her.' AITA? + UPDATE
"My MIL said she never liked me and now I don’t want to host Thanksgiving."
fhxueduedidiw
My partner and I have dated for a few years, lived together for two. When I first met his mom I was very nervous and wanted her to like me. I learned some customs that show respect and did them.
I cooked meals from scratch for her that she loved. Holidays were hosted in our home, I would cook for days and serve the whole family, making sure every detail was perfect.
Holidays were lovely, I never had times like that with my own family and was grateful to the point of tearing up many times (not in front of my partners family). My partner and I have a business that takes up much of our time and hadn’t seen his mother much lately, so I planned a day to pick her up, take her to a local coffee shop she enjoys, and to lunch.
As soon as she saw me she immediately commented that I had lost weight and complimented me multiple times, then asking to take selfies with me so she could post them on Facebook because I looked so pretty.
I have had issues with eating disorders in the past so the comments did make me feel weird. But I knew she was trying to compliment me so I didn’t say anything. We went to lunch and she wanted to take more selfies and was again complimenting my looks.
She said “You were ok before but too overweight.” I don’t know why this hurt me but it did. I blinked back tears, and the food came. I couldn’t eat it, and found myself pushing food around and only taking some bites of dry salad.
My partner and mom ate, either not noticing that I wasn’t really eating or not commenting on it. I did not want to cause a scene because again, I knew she was trying to say something nice but she is very blunt. She is not aware that I used to starve myself, she probably wouldn’t have said it if she did.
After lunch, she needed to go to the restroom so I helped her (she’s in her 80s and uses a cane but needs to be steadied). While she was washing her hands she told me “You know, I never liked you but you’re ok now.”
That did it. I couldn’t hide the hurt anymore. I teared up and stammered awkwardly that her son would be right back to help her walk to the table. I went to the table and quietly told my partner I would take an Uber home, that I was upset about something his mom said but I would see him at home. His mom tried to call me but I decided not to answer.
I guess the reason I’m feeling so upset is that I’m feeling like I’m only worth something if I’m thinner. I also thought she always liked me. She acted like she did. Now it all feels fake.
I don’t want to host thanksgiving anymore. Why should I kill myself cooking for days for someone who only really liked me when I lost a few pounds? My partner thinks I’m overreacting and I misunderstood her.
He said it’s normal for MILs to not like DILs at first because we “take away their sons”. But I didn’t take him away. He is the one who hasn’t made an effort to spend much time with her. Every time we have seen her is because I organized it.
But she’s old, she’s a blunt Asian mom, and she doesn’t know I had eating disorders. So am I the asshole for wanting to cancel thanksgiving? Should I just forgive her and suck it up so the family has a nice thanksgiving together? Am I being a huge baby?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
FantasticCabinet2623
NTA.
You have a partner problem. Being older or Asian is no excuse to be a b-word, and he needs to be on your side, not Mummy Dearest's.
easythrowaway12345
Agree. My family has a hodgepodge of ethnicities in it, and I know that many times the Asians (mostly Korean, but we have others sprinkled in - holidays are an adventure) in our circle say things that come across negatively but are not meant that way. BUT. Nothing like this. They say things like “clean this better. Do you want to get sick and die?” Then they will grab whatever it is and clean it.
That basically translates to: “I’m worried for your safety and health and I want you to know the worst case scenario if you don’t do this correctly, because I want you to know it’s super serious. But I’m your parent, so let me show you how.” In any culture, saying “I didn’t like you before” is hurtful.
confidentkatt
No, NITA.
That's just downright insulting, I don't see what good would come from those words.
Turbulent_Ebb5669
Oh, she's one of those. And tell your partner it's NOT normal for MILS to not like DILS, while it happens it's not as common as people think.
Quiet-Hamster6509
"No, it's not normal adult behaviour. Children grow and end up having their lives with their own families. I will never say those things to any DILs I may have."
Moving forward I would put all mom stuff on him to maintain. If she messages you, ask him if she messaged him and tell him he needs to call her regarding.
Shadow4summer
NTA. It absolutely is not the way MILs treat their DIL. Even if my son’s wife was fat, which she isn’t, I would never in a million years say that shit. Those comments will cause resentment for a long time. I’d skip Thanksgiving this year. Just tell her you are watching your weight.
Later, the OP returned with an update.
fhxueduedidiw
After speaking to a Filipina friend of mine, reading everyone’s comments, and calming down I decided to talk to my MIL. She indeed did not mean to hurt my feelings or say anything with bad intentions. She really thought she was just complimenting me. She was very sorry for hurting me and wants to move on, she says she accepts me and loves me.
Honestly I’ve had a rough couple of months with unrelated issues and I think her comments yesterday were just the straw that broke the camels back. My boyfriend did get defensive when we talked about what happened but he agreed to back me up if it happens again and talk to her about not mentioning my weight.
He also supports me correcting her or letting her know if she’s being rude in the future. As far as Thanksgiving, I decided that the family being together is more important than my hurt feelings.
I do enjoy making it nice for everyone. We don’t know how many years she may have left, and I think I can let this incident go for now. I’m not confident that she will change but I can probably handle anything for a couple days a year.